Next Great Sport: Baby Racing

Some sports writers have rendered professional sports dead in the water, and I'm not talking about that time you played water polo with all those horses. I'm talking about real sports.

Professional sports have been in a tailspin in recent years. They've been sullied by exorbitant contracts, performance enhancing drugs, rising ticket prices and gold toothed prima donna wide receivers that play for your favorite professional sports franchise and refuse to shut their mouth and do the job they are paid handsomely to do. You know who you are!

But I'm here to tell you Joe sports fan, that some lesser known sports are alive and well, actually flourishing outside the mainstream spotlight. You won't see it on ESPN and the highlights certainly won't be broadcast on your local sports report. No, I'm not talking about cock fighting, Pedro. I'm talking about something a little less PETA and a little more Social Services. I'm talking about the untainted, unequivocal beauty of sport. I'm of course talking about World League Baby Racing.

Oh yeah, I'm talking about "The Beautiful Race." In some circles they are calling it the next Jai Lai. I think it's going to be even bigger. Not just because it's fun to watch (it is), but because in America, the merit a sport is given is directly correlated to it's gambleability That statement alone should explain exactly why soccer isn't popular on this side of the pond. We don't know enough about the teams to make a sound financial decision on it. I blame it on the fact that there are like 50 players named some variation Ronoldo and I can never seem to pick the right one.

From now on, my financial decisions are going to be put into two categories. Alcohol and betting on borderline child abuse. They both tell the story of my childhood, so why should I stop living the dream now. It's like having an inside information on a thoroughbred, except you don't have to worry about a horseshoe bending and affecting your pick, cause if you can't trust a nine month old toddler to keep focused and see something through to the end, then really who in this world can you trust? I don't want to live in a world where we deny our children the right to compete on such a grand and noble stage.

Now I'm not talking about recreational baby racing here; I'm talking about down and dirty, no holds bar, gritty no-nonsense baby racing. It's uber-competitive. It's intense. It's indubatable. It's truly the zeitgeist of the baby sports community.

World League Baby Racing shouldn't be confused with the American Baby Racing Association, which has gone underground after one of the competitors tested positive for steroids. It took 3 judges and a trank gun to bring that baby down. Spectators present during that race agreed that if she hadn't been subdued, she would have crawled right through the wall and probably beat up on a some drifter in the parking lot. After that ugly scene, baby racers had to lay low and wait for international competitions to compete in.

Mexican baby racing has seen it's share of difficulties as well, which is apparently held on the U.S.-Mexico border. Winner gets a green card and a life of opportunity, while losers get a free lunch and a bus ride back home. Some claim the only real losers are the hardworking American tax-payers.

The World League has strict regulations and promises a system to keep it's competitors clean. This is THE sport of the future dear sports fan. Unfazed gladiators, proudly mounted upon their strollers, riding into packed warehouses full of roaring revelers like they were chariots bursting through the doors of the Roman Colloseum. If horse racing is the sport of kings, baby racing is the sport of sovereign nations willing to turn a blind eye on infant exploitation. The pure, unsullied sport of tiny, tiny champions. It's all the rage with babies and toddlers in the 6 to 15 month crowd. For them it falls directly into the spectrum of awesomeness somewhere between SpongeBob and shiny things.

How do you train these miniature athletes? Most parents of competitors agree that babies need the proper motivation. To excel at such a competitive sport. Some parents have strict training regiments that their babe atarts the first day he or she hit's the delivery room floor. Other simply bring noise makers or objects to shake in front of their child in order to draw attention to the finish line. Things like car keys, spoons, empty whiskey bottles, air horns and in some cases just idle threats about going home a winner or going home to a local orphanage.

This years favorite was Irish born Sheamus McShay aka "The Red Lightning." Stories of his amazing feats of strength varied. Some said he was a merely wives tale, a baby fraud, an old wives tale that parents told their children to hype them up before an important race. Others say he is such an angry and determined competitor, while in the birthing room of a Dublin hospital, he was so tenacious that his mother didn't need a C-section, he simply punched his way out of the womb.

Odds makers were paying 3:1 on baby Sheamus, but McShay's father wasn't so sure his son was the clear favorite. "I dunno if meh bahby's got the mooooves," said the concerned father. "I'm fahley blitzed reaght new. I'm not evehn sssshure if that's the reaght beby."

But, McShay had an ace in up sleeve. McShay had brought a secret weapon to waive at his baby to coax him to the finish line.

"Adoptian pehpehrs. If he doon't cohm home a wihnner, he doon't cuhm home t'all."

Serious words from a very serious man. Neglecting to win is one thing, but neglecting to leave it all out on the track is simply unacceptable. And neglecting you children…well that for the courts to decide.

McShay may have had reason to be worried. This video shows why.

YO ADRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at that face people. That is the future of sports staring you right in the face with it's chubby cheeks and limited motor skills. Million Dollar Baby isn't just a movie about women's boxing anymore! Baby racing is what this world is all about. These tiny athletes will not lay queitly about in their caged cribs and be denied the chance to compete any longer! They will cry and scream and throw tantrums like you have never witnessed to compete in the sport that they so dearly love.

The children.

The children are our future. And what type of people would we be if we chose not to bet on our future?

I won't deny the future leaders of the world the chance to shine early and often. I'm not ashamed to say that I not only advocate World Baby Racing, but that I also degenerately gamble on it's outcome. I've got 7 G's riding on baby Sheamus to place. I haven't had this much fun betting on the outcome of a race since thy stopped letting the monkeys ride the "little ponies." Sport of the FUTURE people and that future is now.

And for all you children reading this article, who live in impoverished third world countries and spend your whole lives toiling away in some factory, dreaming of one day coming to America and striking it rich...

Get back to work! Baby Sheamus' Nikes aren't going to sew themselves! I've got a lot of money