And my favorite post of all-time...NFL players draw God

I drew these pics and this article really never got linked anywhere because people were scared to piss off the God people. It isn't a joke about God, well...you'll see.

Holiday Gift Ideas: Books by Sports Personalities

It’s the Holiday season and I’m sure that some of you are searching for the perfect gift for that special sports lover in your family. Well, I’m here to help. I just happen to have a list of sports books that have come out during the past year that’ll be sure to fill the gaping hole (that beer and a hours of therapy obviously can‘t) of any sports fan on your holiday shopping list this season. Whether it’s a hardcore college football fan, or that Timberwolves fan that you just can’t seem to talk off the roof, there is a book on this list for fans of all shapes and sizes.*

Jesus Help Me…Literally by Charlie Weis

We almost won! The Herm Edwards Story by Herm Edwards

Beautiful Blondes and The Damned Cowboys by Tony Romo

Tuesdays with Marbury by Mike D’Antoni

The Sun Also Sets by Steve Nash

Oh SNAP! by Joe Theismann and Lawrence Taylor

Applebees be Dangerous as Shit These Days by Plaxico Burress

Limping to Perfection by Tom Brady

I’d Sooner be in Oklahoma than living with the Lions by 2008 Heisman Winner Sam Bradford

The Drinkest Drank in Drunktown (or Hooters) by John Daly

A Farewell to Labrums by Dusty Baker

The Never Ending Story of Boredom - PS, I Secretly Hate the Red Sox by Joe Buck

How to Survive an NFL Career with a body made from Cheap Taiwanese Glass by Steve McNair

Cheeseburgers, Milkshakes, Double Deep Fried Pudding Pops and 160 million dollars - The CC Sabathia Diet

Growing up in the Lollipop Guild by Dustin Pedrioa

I just won’t f@%*ing die and 100 other ways I’m just like Dracula by Raider Owner Al Davis

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Fanbases by Brett Favre

Where am I, Joe? by Troy Aikman

Floundering in the NBA by Tyler Hansbrough

All the King’s Horses and All the King’s men are moving to New York Soon by Lebron James

Ordinary People…who Date Madonna by Alex Rodriguez

A Life of Being Paid in Reality Checks by Manny Ramirez


I’m still here and I still play for the Spurs by Tim Duncan

Actually, I do hate you Cub Fans by God (first book was NY Times best seller of the Millennia)

Flagged, Paper Bagged and Tagged as the Worst of All-Time by The 2009 Detroit Lions

Zen and the Art of Flopping by Manu Ginobli

There may be a God, Detroit by Barry Sanders Jr.

Fear and Loathing in the Closet of Vogue Magazine by promiscuity policeman Sean Avery

Atlas Shrugged…So I Punched Him in the Face by Steve Smith

The 6 Dollar Man (And Still Overpriced) by Adam Morrison

How to Strike Out Without Really Trying by whiff-master Ryan Howard

3 Drop Steps to Being Unsuccessful by Rex Grossman

The Story of the SEC: Speed + Experience = Championships

I have no F@*%ing Clue What I’m Talking About by Tony Kornheiser

Hines Wald: Numbell One Smaltest Leceiver by Hines Wald

Woooooooooo: The Life and Times of The Nature Boy by Rick Flair

You Gonna Eat That? by Eddy Curry

The Story of Me and Me and Me and Me and Me and Me and finally, Me by more than a dozen Hershel Walkers

Hi, Welcome to McDonald’s, Would You like to Try a Detached Retina? by Kimbo Slice

Not So Great Expectations by Padre Pitcher Jake Peavy

The Bell Keeps Tolling, Yet Somehow I’m Still Here by Bengal Coach Marvin Lewis

2008: A Suck Odyssey by former Lions GM Matt Millen

Catch 23 by Cleveland Cavaliers Owner Dan Gilbert

People at IHOP F@*%ing Hate Me by Michael Phelps

Welcome to the Intensive Care Unit Mr. Green by Trent Green

Screw the Recession! How much do you want? by Yankee Owner Hank Steinbrenner

How to Piss Off Everyone Gambling on Today’s Game by NFL ref Ed Hockuli

Oh-Hell-I’m-Overmatched by Every Player Ever from Ohio State

I’m so bored now, I could choke somebody - Bobby Knight with a forward by Latrell Sprewell

The Secret…CHEATING by Bill Belichick

* Except for soccer. Soccer is not actually a sport and is considered a wildly inappropriate activity to people with attention spans, athletic ability and the men who don’t enjoy being bored to death by other men running around like Liberace at a sequin factory.

Is there one that I missed? Leave it in the comment section below…

Oh and the podcasts

The podcasts can be found here The Douche Report. I write them all myself and one can plainly see that I sometimes do not have the time or help needed to make them. The first one is good and the 5th episode has the best jokes, but I obviously needed someone else to riff off of some weeks. It was much more difficult than I imagined to sit in a room by myself and try and be funny. Without an audience, you just start to think you're a crazy person.

Maya Angelou’s predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season

As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.

In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,

The Cowboys


Romo-thou art not a homo

Fumbulicious, maybe still

Play-offs still haunt your dreams

No longer necessary on special teams

But a man in shining blue stars

Who holds all the cards

Of fortune,

is surely sheriff

A billion green faces have lain

Before you an exquisite new home

Where Buffalo need not roam

As long as T.O. catches in their town

The Jones of Jerry; Master of Cowboys

Has built a cathedral of success

For America’s team

The American Dream

Like blondes with high beams

A subject you know something about

Wrangle up some wins Tony R.

In the play-offs, you must ride far

Or next year at this time

You will be washing my car


The Jets


Jets, the Jets; soaring through the clouds

Hopes and dreams on the wings of Favre

Have come careening to the ground

Alas, a new pilot this season will fly

Ready to pull back the throttle

And rise higher and higher into the sky

Fans line-up to for the chance to see

On the runway, as the green Jets taxi

The people rise, rise and crowd the airport gate

Sadly, they will still finish worse than 8 and 8.


The Bears


Chicago cold and windy

The lake stares briskly at you

Orton traveled to Denver

And so, the offense is born anew

The defense is like poetry

At the helm a man, Urlacher

As blanketing as a new fallen snow

The qb he will surely sack her

Traps for Bears don’t often succeed

But they often catch the Cubbies

So Chicago puts it hopes and dreams

On the shoulders of a man named Lovie


The Vikings


Brett Favre, Brett Favre

The people of Minnesota

Are starved, for a ring

Put on your majestic purple Four

And helmet—which proudly adorns

Those alabaster and unbreakable horns

And lead your men to battle

Greeen Bay shakes its death rattle

As new fans will help you mount the saddle

Because a championship ring is in their conception

The ball floats higher and higher and higher

Interception


The Panthers


Roaming in the fields of the Carolinas

Panthers, majestic, proud and black

Basking in a harvest of blue Peppers

Where Carolinians pick up there sacks

Alas, the Peppers have gone sour

And it ruins the farmer’s lunch

For he hath provided the defense

And Smith hath provided the punch

If Peppers does not return to Charlotte fields

Leaving all opponents--free to roam

Panthers of Carolina have dug their grave

Where mediocrity will call surely call Delhomme


The Bucs


Once, proud pirates on the seas of seven

Buccaneers be not proud, furthermore

Their ship had begun taking on water

Cadillac is on cinderblocks

in the front yard

Cannons lay silent

The boat is taking on water

This isn't even worth it

You suck.


The Patriots


Patriots, oh Patriots,

Where have thou gone?

Once a team of outrageous dexterity

Has put down their muskets of age

A man of steel has been laid to turf

His injured leg hath felt the dirt

And the steel of scalpel upon his knee

Had set his opponents,

Who had longed to be free

Freedom! They exclaimed

As the war carried on

Red, white and blue still fought at dawn

Patriots forever, no matter the case

As linebackers grew old

And victory,

They no longer could taste

But, out of a deep musty fog

your General has risen

So pick up your muskets

And release yourself from prison

He is the One to ease your worried pains

For he is the Man that moves your chains

Augusta National puts the "Child" Back in Cild Labor

The azaleas are blooming. The air warms as it floats through the trees. The grass is starting to become that shade of green that only seems possible in postcards. And of course, the economy is still a toxic wasteland of shit. That can only mean one thing: Spring has sprung in Georgia. And every year at this time, the world’s most important golf tournament takes place at the world’s most prestigious golf course, Augusta National.

I am of course speaking of the much fabled Masters Tournament, held every April in Augusta, Georgia. Augusta National: Home course to the uber-elite of American businessmen and golfers alike. With a membership that boasts both Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, it’s obvious that only the wealthiest of the wealthy will ever get the chance to lace up their spikes and play a round on the most storied golf course this side of St. Andrews.

However, even with an abundance of class and wealth, the Masters Tournament is still feeling the icy grip of the current recession. And so without giving it second thought, the club decided to trim the cost of hosting such an extravagant event and revert back to the golden years of American industry. When OSHA was the Cajun word for where the water met the sand, Rockefellers were the richest fellers, and nine year olds spent 12 hours a day deep in the coal mines, precisely where they all belonged.

And with that in mind, they simply fired all their caddies and replaced them with child labor. Lines of children ranging from age 2 to 11, wearing bright white cover-alls emblazoned with the name of their golfer on their back, lined the cart path around Eisenhower Cabin; they all stood quietly as some spit shined shoes, others washed balls and a select few juggled the task of keeping golfer Vijay Singh from being a complete and utter douchebag, while also wrestling a cart of chocolate eclairs away from Craig Stadler, in a scene that the 34th president himself would have been proud of.



“Are those Nike Zooms?” one child asks in a nasally pre-pubescent voice, “Hey, I made those!” Roughly 85 children from all over the United States were going to bypass school and carry bags on the 7,400 yard course today. When asked why they so desperately needed the work, one of the younger caddies remarked, “Hey in this economy a job’s a job. This ain’t a bad gig. I got brother in Odessa who shingles roofs and a little sister that’s over in Iraq. If I gotta loop for Tiger this week to make a few bucks, so be it. Lining-up putts certainly pays more than finger painting.” Army recruiting violations aside, another caddy simply stated “Hey, I got kids to feed.”

And with those words, the kids grabbed their bags and hit the course with their respective golfer. Of course it wasn't all fun and games, as one caddy turned out to be a midget from a nearby construction site that managed to hop the fence and sneak onto the course. He was quickly detained by course marshals after they found him trying to sneak off with $2000 dollars worth of golf clubs and Freddy Couples wallet. He was quickly removed from the course and was made to take a handcuffed walk down Magnolia Lane.

And while the tournament is said to have saved money on this year's event, the day was far from without incident. Several caddies were caught playing Pokemon on Nintendo DS, when they were supposed to be gauging the swirling winds, a near riot broke out on the 10th tee as several caddies fought feverishly over a juicebox after the clubhouse ran out early while several golfers were making the turn, one caddy decided to have nap time right in the middle the 14th fairway, much to the chagrin of the group teeing off behind him, and a particularly surley young lady was overheard arguing with her pro, saying, "Look, if you wanny be a pansy and lay up, then by all means hit the 7-iron Nancy, but if you wanna man up and get to the green in two, I suggest growing a pair and hitting the 3 wood." When the golfer then proceeded to lay-up and muttered something to the effect of that's why I'm #2 in the world sweetheart, Mr. Michelson's caddy dropped her bag; quitting on the spot saying, "Ah, blow it out your ass, Dad."

So was putting children on the bags a good idea in terms of saving money? Former Augusta National Chairman Hootie Johnson certainly thinks so.

"We don't feel like this went badly at all," noted Johnson. "Other than the midget and that kid that passed out on 14, we feel like this was a successful test run. I can't figure out why other businesses don't just put kids to work. We saved thousands of dollars in caddy fees and only had one protester."

Looking out the front gates, a young girl in a golf shit and blue jeans was holding a sign protesting the mistreatment of her fellow children. A reporter pointed to the kid and asked, "In the future, if that young lady somehow managed to get her act together, would she be welcomed with open arms to join this prestigious country club?"

"No," said Johnson. "We don't enjoy the presence of their kind here."

"Women," the reporter asked.

"Protesters."

"Ahh," he said. "I guess with the all misappropriation of human rights here today, I must have had you guys confused with the other Augusta National."

The last strange day of Plaxico Burress

7:45 am - Ignore call from Giants.

8:15 am - Ignore call from Giants.

8:30 am- Ignore call from Giants while you take your son to school, even though he's not even 2 yet.

8:32 am - Remind yourself to make up a better excuse next time.

9:00 am - Call drew Drew Rosenhaus and tell him you want a newer new contract.

9:08 - Find unregistered firearm. Decide to keep it. What’s the worst that could happen?

9:30 am - Run over playbook with Escalade.

9:45 am - Text New York Giants President John Mara and tell him that you are expecting a new contract.

9:46 am - Turn to Weather Channel when he inquires what the weather in hell is like.

10:00 am - Text Eli's cell phone and say you're with Dominoes and have 50 pizzas in the parking lot for a "Launchpad Macock." (do this for the next 2 hours)

12:00 pm - Find that guy that does the Verizon commercials and his network. Wander around New Jeresy to find out where they won't follow you. Mark these spots down for use in future alibi.

12:45 pm - Call Michael Strahan and ask him if he wants to do lunch.

1:15 pm - Don't show up for lunch; dude is too damn annoying.

1:20 pm - Practice dialing phone for next time you need to miss practice...Friday.

1:30 pm - Lunch with Tom Brady. Share complaints about serious leg injuries.

1:35 pm - Storm out of lunch after Brady remarks your pansy ass injury complaints "don't have a leg to stand on."

1:35 pm - Remind Tom Brady, neither does he.

2:45 pm - Call Allen Iverson and ask him how practice was. Laugh uncontrollably for 20 minutes.

3:10 pm - Pay some of those 50 fines you've gotten over the past two years.

3:15 pm - Call Marvin Harrison and ask if he wants to go to the shooting range.

3:30 pm - Spend some quality time yelling at the wife.

4:00 pm - Keep going to places without making phone calls to the Giants.

4:15 pm - Call the Cincinatti Bengals and ask them to speak to Peter Warrick. when they say he doesn't play there anymore, mock them for taking him before you in the 2000 draft. Then tell them if you get into any legal problems, the Bengals are still #1 on your trade list.

4:45 pm - Email USA Today and make predictions on the point spreads for this week's games. When they remind you it's illegal for NFL players to gamble, remind them that you got 50 fines and don't really care for "rules or regulations."

4:50 pm - Place $200,000 on new prop bet that you won't get fined again this week.

5:15 pm - Come up with new injury to sit out of training camp during next contract
year. Narrow it down to separated groin, Foot in Mouth Disease or Ankleistis.

5:17 pm - Decide it's a combination of all three.

5:30 pm - Wonder why someone like Marvin Harrison never calls you back.

6:00 pm - Eat dinner with Tiki Barber. Ask him how his doppelganger likes his Super Bowl ring.

6:05 pm - Remind yourself why you were glad Tiki Barber left when he did.

6:45 pm - Trade yourself to the Raiders on Madden so you can understand what it's like to be overpaid and never have to go to meetings.

6:46 pm - Neglect to go to Eli’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.

6:48 pm - Fall in love with Al Davis and his Crypt Keeper mug.

6:48 pm - 9: 48 pm - Proceed to enjoy your 7 year tenure on .300 team on Madden 09'.

10:00 pm - Call you buddy GW and ask him what the hell is up with the economy.

11:00 pm - Finish burying your signing bonus next to Jimmy Hoffa in Giants Stadium.

11:05 pm - Call Randy Moss and tell him you dialed the phone with your ring finger.

11:10 pm- Go on WebMD and find out where it was exactly Randy Moss told you should stick you your ring.

11:30 pm - Hit the club with Antonio Pierce. Find one that allows patrons in wearing sweatpants.

11:37 pm - Show everyone the gun juggling routine you learned from Pacman Jones.

11:37 pm - Shoot yourself in the leg.

11:38 pm - Scream some more.

11:40 pm - Antonio Pierce reminds you of the irony of his name being “Pierce,” but you being the one who is “pierced” his leg with a bullet.

11:41 pm - Remind Antonio Pierce that you’ve already shot one person today and he needs to keep his mouth shut if he wants to keep it that way.

11:45 pm - Wipe prints off of you new, slightly used unregistered firearm.

12:18 am - Misplace firearm in an undisclosed dumpster behind the Stuckey’s on I-95.
12:45 am - Find a hospital that doesn’t ask any questions and still takes Blue Cross & Blue Shield.

1:10 am - Still don’t call the Giants to let them know what’s going on. They probably won’t notice the gaping hole in your leg anyway.

1:30 am - Watch Designing Women.

2:00 am - Curse Charlton Heston and those damn dirty apes as you burn your NRA card along with any remaining evidence to your crime.

2:30 am - Don’t worry about calling the Giants. They can’t help you where you’re going…

2:35 am - Write an apology letter to all the fantasy owners who drafted you early in their drafts only to find out they had shot themselves in the foot when you shot yourself in the leg.

3:00 am - Pop a vicodin and go to bed with dreams of doing it all again tomorrow...in jail.

via National Lampoon

Basball Maladies that have affected players throughout the years

via National Lampoon

This week the Detroit Tigers placed former Rookie of the Year, Dontrelle Willis, on the Disabled List with what club officials are calling an "anxiety disorder." In the old days of baseball, before agents and players unions ruined the game, coaches and players used to simply call this "losing your stuff," and it was grounds for releasing said player. But, in today's market, when a player is in year two of a three year $30 million dollar contract, teams don't have the luxury of realeasinga player without owing the player millions of dollars for under performance. So they are reduced to making up pseudo-injuries and placing the player on the DL in order to try and save face without telling their fans that the player sucks. Here are some of the pseudo-injuries the MLB has seen throughout the years.

Craig Counsell is on the DL with Craig Counsell Disease which makes him suffer by going up to the plate and hitting like Craig Counsell. Good luck hitting over .230 with this disease.

Coco Crisp is on the DL for something called “Chocolate Madness,” which had previously only been seen in patients with Type I diabetes and pregnant women; oh and that bird that suffered from it in the commercials. While injured, he spends his time in the clubhouse screaming “I’m koo koo for Coco Puffs,” while wildly brandishing a Louisville slugger and taking swings at imaginary cartoon birds that according to him are freely roaming “everywhere” in the Kansas City clubhouse.

Alex Rodriguez is on the DL rehabbing in Colorado after having surgery to remove a cyst in his hip. He has said that he blames his post-season woes on Kabbalah, hookers and mirrors in which to kiss himself and his bad hip on carrying the Yankees on his back these past few seasons. Doctors were understandably confused by Mr. Rodriguez’s diagnosis because carrying the Yanks on your back is what New York doctors refer to as “Jeteritis,” and everyone agrees that A-Rod shows absolutely no symptoms of Jeteritis.

Ryan Howard is on the DL with No-Breaking Ball Syndrome which makes him only able to recognize and hit fastballs.

National’s prospect Esmailyn Gonzalez is on the DL with Benjamin Button Dyslexia Disease; it’s where a player thinks he’s 19, but really turns out to be 23.

Johnny Damon was diagnosed and spent time on the DL for Et Tu, Brute or “The Judas Disease,” after joining the Yankees in 2006. It makes you a bit slower, noticeably more injury prone and you start to throw like a 10-year old girl. Also, it causes people wearing Red Sox hats to swear and try and spit on your face upon seeing you in public anywhere outside a Catholic Church.

Manny Ramirez went on the DL with Manny Being Manny Syndrome. SEE: Self Inflicted Amnesia.

Dwight Gooden once missed 6 games after he was affected by Tony Montana Disease, which caused him to shoot and kill 6 FBI agents and 2 Mr. Mets when they broke down his door and tried to arrest him during a coke deal. No charges were filed...

Matt Holiday suffers from Rocky Mountain Malaise, which only allows him to hit 25 HR in the state of Colorado (most preferably in Coors Field) Also you have to wait till his bat is blue; that’s the only way you’ll know he’s ready to hit .350.

Barry Zito has suffered from and missed a start last year with P.M. Brusitis. It makes all his pitches look like the ones seen by hitters at batting practice. It causes you to lose control of both your pitches and your ERA.

Even the Phillie Phantaic isn't insusceptible to the occasional trip to the DL. He sometimes suffers from the Phillie Phlu which causes him to uncontrollably bitch about Ryan Howard's outrageous K rate, the feeling that he needs to dance at the most inopportune moments and cry uncontrollably when visiting fans poin out the fact that he looks like some bizarre lovechild of Big Bird, Snufflelufagus, and the turf at the Astrodome.

Pete Rose suffered from Bettor's Guilt, which caused him to wish that he'd bet on a better team than the Reds.

J.D. Drew once missed a game because he was on his period.

Mickey Mantle was once placed on the DL with the listing of "Jack Daniels."

Rickey Henderson spent time on the DL during his career while suffering from Rickey Henderson Juxtaposition Influenza. According to the all-time stolen base leader the disease caused Rickey confusion and Rickey can’t think when Rickey needs to think, so the words coming out of Rickey’s mouth aren’t always combobulated in a fashion that Rickey is completely comfortable with Rickey saying and Rickey needs Rickey to be comfortable or Rickey can’t run. Rickey needs to run. Run Rickey, run. Rickey. Oh and it causes the person infected to continually talk in first person, even when the listener is already aware of what Rickey, Rickey is talking about.