Dusty Baker's dog dies of exhaustion after Dusty forgets to put him on a fetch count

Blue Monkey Disco Party has an exclusive story breaking out of Cincinnati today. It seems that the big news for the Big Red Machine this spring training doesn't pertain to phenom Jay Bruce manning center field or Joey Votto's defense at first base, but lies in the untimely passing of Dusty Bakers beloved dog Cubbie, a golden retriever who was a mere 3 years old when he succumbed to heart failure.

It seems that the Red's new manager had been training his pup for next year'S Purina Dog Challenge, but accidentally left a tennis ball machine on in his backyard over the weekend and the poor Golden retriever fetched and fetched until his little heart exploded after chasing what animal rescue workers believe to be well over 15,000 tennis balls.

When interviewed Baker spoke incredulously about the situation.

"I don't understand it. He should have been able to fetch that many tennis balls. I don't care what the so called 'experts' say about how much strain a golden retriever can handle. I've always thrown him 5000 balls a day and even knowing what I do now, would continue to throw him at least 5000 balls a day because that's what he liked and that's what it took for him to win. After games I used to make Kerry Wood come over and throw about 300 tennis balls as far as he could to help train the dog for the physical demands of a competition as excruciating as the PDC."

Apparently, Cubbie was gonna be a winner come hell or a Chicago championship, even if they came at the same time and were accompanied by the soundtrack of dislocating shoulders.

When asked if he thought that 5000 balls was maybe too much strain on such a young dog, Dusty simply replied "No, there is no evidence to suggest that. Show me the evidence. I don't believe in fetch counts. Never have, never will. Like I always told Cubbie, leave the fetch counts for the bitches in the poodle division. "

When a reporter remarked that the evidence lay in the fact that the dog basically excercised itself to death, Dusty became visibly upset and was remarkably angry with his reply.

"What do you know, you're not a veterinarian! Are you some sort of dog expert? No, you're a sports reporter. What would you know about dogs then? That's like a doctor telling me that pitchers arm is being over-used. I mean he's a doctor, where the hell does he get off telling me to do my job. He doesn't know baseball, he knows doctoring! I don't tell him how to perform Tommy John Surgery and he shouldn't decide when I should take my pitchers out of the game. It's that simple. He sticks with the scalpel and I'll stick to the bats!"

PETA is openly fuming after hearing of Cubbie's demise. They feel that this whole ordeal could have been bypassed if Dusty would have just listened to the dog's veterinarian and shown the common sense to put his dog on a fetch count like any rational pet owner would.

A rep for PETA exclaimed, "This is totally uncalled for. This could have been avoided if the man would have just listened to the people around him and showed a little caution. But no, he had to leave the machine on and just let it ride. And all for what? A years supply of Kibble and Bits? A spot in the prestigious Circle of Champions? Puppies need to be free to roam the green pastures of far off farms, to feel the wind on their paws and only fetch a Frisbee when they truly want to! BORN FREE, AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS…"

No word if the training was actually because the pup was in the mix for the center field job in Cincinnati, but word is that he was already hitting better than Norris Hopper, which was impressive given he had no arms and a slight astigmatism in his dominant eye.

A small memorial service will be held this Saturday in The Baker's backyard where the dog will be laid to rest in a small plot next to Mark Prior's labrum and Nefi Perez's career batting average. A Chicago fan who was close to the dog agreed that he was in now in a much better place and so too was Baker. When asked to elaborate he said of the former Cubs manager, "Better there, than here."

Touché my friend, touché indeed, for all Cubbies go to heaven, even though their former managers could certainly do the opposite.