If your loved one has gone on to pitch in greener pastures or has a date to throw out the first pitch in heaven, you'll be able to guarantee your family's #1 fan will rest peacefully and comfortably in these state of the art hand crafted urns.* Make sure Uncle Billy can enjoy the afterlife as much as he loved his time on earth with his beloved Tampa Bay Rays by keeping his ashes in the new classy die-cast aluminum, that's right I said ALLIMINUM (yes, that aluminum!) urn for all of your rival team's fans to see. Take him out to all the ball games he would have missed. Keep him on the television to enjoy ballgames with the family for the rest of eternity. Maybe even strap a glove on him and take the kids out for a game of catch! Let your deceased family member's remains, remain on earth with the people and the team he loved in one of Eternal Image's Major League Baseball urns.
*guarantee excludes Yankee and Cubs fans
Turns out every MLB got a complementary urn and we found out what a few teams did with them:
Florida Marlins - Who knows what's in it, but you can probably get it for five cents on the dollar and a mid-level prospect.
San Francisco Giants - The ashes of everything Bonds related at AT&T Park. The urn is the size of a Volkswagen, yet still fits in Barry's batting helmet.
Cleveland Indians - C.C. Sabathia's off-season workout regiment.
Chicago Cubs - No one knows where Steve Bartman disappeared to …until now.
New York Yankees - Brian Cashman's ego, pride and soul…even though Red Sox Nation will adamantly deny that any Yankee has ever been born with a soul.
Kansas City Royals - Absolutely nothing, but nobody can get it open after George Brett held it one day.
Milwaukee Brewers - This is where owner Bud Selig keeps the charred remains of MLB's steroids policy and his near pristine copy of the Mitchell Report. Plus 10 emergengy double cheeseburgers for when Prince Fielder decides to drop the whole vegetarian routine.
Toronto Blue Jays - No one deceased, they just use it to transport David Eckstein.
San Diego Padres - Offense.
Boston Red Sox - The ashes of the Alex Rodriguez contract they drew up in 2003 mixed with some ashes of Bill Buckner's house that mysteriously burned down circa 1986.
Los Angels Angels - Even though Walt would give the cryogenic cold shoulder to burials, Disney incorporated their burial piece into a major attraction at Disney World "Urns over Anaheim," where dreams and Disney characters never die, but Rally Monkeys inexplicably disappear.
Pittsburgh Pirates- I'm guessing their season and their fan appreciation, but one cares enough to check.
Baltimore Orioles - All of Brady Anderson's drug tests for 1996.
Seattle Mariners - All documents that they in fact at one point had Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez in their prime and somehow let them all get away.
Atlanta Braves - The ashes of all the Atlanta Braves World Champions memorabilia that they couldn't sell after the inevitable collapse of the Braves in almost every important play-off series in the 1990's.
Cincinnati Reds - Odds in Vegas are 2:1 it's all 4256 Pete Rose's hits and most of his managerial wins.
Washington Nationals - Apparently this season they keep the ashes of their unused (all) bats and more importantly the smoldering remains of millions of dollars in taxpayers money that was wasted on a new stadium built on the most expensive real-estate in the country for a team destined to finish last in their division for the next 5 years.
Tampa Bay Rays - This is where they keep Rocco Baldelli's hamstrings.
Minnesota Twins - The dream of the having the best pitching tandem in Santana-Liriano for the next 5 years--along with dreams of ever winning a World Series without Frank Viola and Kirby Puckett's good eye.
Los Angeles Dodgers - Reserved for Tommy Lasorda and all the people who die when a drunken Raider Nation decides to "welcome" the visiting team's fans.
Oakland Athletics - All the programs for a proposed "Bash Brothers" night which was to honor two embarassme--hero's from the Oakland A's, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. Owners tried to retrieve the programs, but kept getting stuck by stray needles…
Colorado Rockies - Two words: New humidor.
Detroit Tigers - They'll all be hiding there if they don't win the pennant this year.
Texas Rangers - Rafael Palmeiro's old stash of steroids and Viagra.
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