It is reported that Matt Walsh a former Patriots employee could be in possession of vital video evidence against the New England Patriots pertaining to the Spygate controversy that may include a video tape of the St. Louis Ram's final walk through from right before the 2002 Super Bowl. Sen. Arlen Specter is intrigued to know what information Walsh may have on the many swirling rumors of Patriot signal stealing or if he has any physical evidence that may help break open an ongoing investigation by himself and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
However, Goodell has acted very odd in the proceedings and faced harsh criticism for allegedly destroying much of the evidence in the controversy that included up to six video tapes and some of Bill Belichick's notes related to whatever was on the videos. Now everyone involved from Senators to fans want to know what the former Pats employee knows, but Walsh isn't doing much talking. Luckily, Blue Monkey Disco Party has an inside source in New England and he has told us what was really on the tapes the NFL destroyed.
Junior Seau's audition tape for Dancing With the Stars
What better way for a superstar NFLer to fill his time in retirement with a chance to make a complete ass of himself on national television by practicing ballroom dancing with some 90 lb Tisch School of the Arts graduate that he could probably bench press 50 times or kill with just his index and pinky fingers? I mean it's not often that a pro athlete gets to go head to head in an ultra-competitive completion with the likes of entertainment juggernauts Drew Lachey and Joey Lawrence. Marie Osmond, you haven't felt the real pain of dance until you've been hit by Junior Seau's impersonation of the "Lights Out Sack Dance."
The tape shows Seau practicing his salsa moves with one of the Patriots tackling dummies and also preparing for the final round by secretly trying to perfect "The Icky Shuffle." But, nobody could do the shuffle like Icky could, so Seau is said to be brushing up on "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and may even go so far as to breakout a classic with "The Dirty Bird." Look out Emmitt Smith cause Seau is coming up from behind to rumba you right out of the building...
Mercury Morris' Housewarming video
There he was on his porch with his tuxedo and his bride with a bottle of bubbly and a crazy ass smile on his face. He even took time of from his illustrious weekly golf regiment to help set up a victory parade that only undefeated professional athletes would be invited to that including Karrem Abdul-Jabbar, Tommy Frazier, The Dream Team, John Wooden, Tom Osborne, Bill Walton, Bobby Knight, Don Shula, Deep Blue, Floyd Mayweather Jr and Burt Reynolds for his work in The Longest Yard.
When the Pats failed to defeat the Giants in the Super Bowl apparently Morris put his 5 iron to good use by using it to tear down all the "Welcome to The Club. Welcome to History" banners that were lining HIS neighborhood. Even though he was upset he did all that work for diddly squat, he was said to be happy to have new golfing companions in the now archaic New England linebacker corp. After almost becoming a "Perfectionist" himself this season, next years first tee-time won't be the first time that Mike Vrabel has heard "Noonan…MISS IT!!!!" from a member of the 72' Dolphins.
At least 5 Cincinnati Bengals being led away in handcuffs during games
Apparently charges ranged from A.J. Nicholson trying to steal one of CBS's sideline cameras and a par of Chad Johnson's gold teeth, to Chris Henry being found on the field high as a kite, hitting on some females from a local high school band who were there to perform at halftime and found by a referee to be in possession of an unregistered firearm after catching an 8 yard slant. .Apparently there was also a roulette wheel behind the Gatorade and rumors of an offshore gambling account that could end up being proof to why Cinci had such a horrendous 2007 campaign.
The Bengals have taken steps to nip their legal problems in the bud by encasing their stadium in metal bars while beefing up security and making it mandatory for players to stay there during the regular season and God willing the 2008 play-offs. It'll be just like prison except with less weight lifting and only a limited fear of dropping the soap.
Elijah Spielmann's Bahmitvah
We don't know why this was on there. Is this kids some sort of player prospect that Bellicheck is watching? Is he some sort of athletic numbers wizard? Will he some day become some sort of coaching threat to the Patriot Reign? Or is this just someone forgetting to change the tape in the team's video camera. We may never know, but Mazeltov little buddy.
Christopher Llyod' s audition tape to play Eli Manning in a made for TV movie
Everyone of course knows that Peyton Manning has that sad Peyton face that he delivers right after delivering a game losing INT to the other team. But Eli has a very distinct look when he plays badly. Hands on his hips while his mouth gapes open like he's just had something heavy dropped on his head. A look eerily simila to a kid in Little League who gives up a gopher ball in the 9th inning of the championship game when everyone in a ten mile radius knew the fastball was coming and yet he went fastball anyway, yet still looks dumbfounded that things have once again transpired against him. It's sort of a cross between Corky from Life Goes On and Reverend Jim Ignatowski from Taxi. That's why Christopher Llyod will be hitting the gym and suiting up for "I'll still never be as good as Peyton: The Eli Manning Story."
A Pats assistant stealing Adam Vinatieri's shoes before the 2007 AFC Championship game
The former New England kicker with ice water in his veins led the anything to win Patriots into the Colts locker room before the game to try and stop the NFL's most clutch kicker the only way they knew how...by stealing his Nikes. The assistant was wired, but stole the wrong shoes because he could not hear the instructions properly over a deafeningly odd sound coming out of nearby speakers.
Tiki Barber's sincerest apology to the New York Football Giants
Tiki Tiki Tiki…Feeling like he was forced out of his pads and into an Armani suit and onto every conceivable media outlet made Tiki drop the ball once again in terms of going out on top. Tiki was criticized after retiring last season in what many believed to be the prime of his career. The once understated and classy Barber proceeded to take the few months after retirement to blitzkrieg the media circuit in order to completely berate and embarrass his ex-teammate Eli Manning while also taking every opportunity to undermine and whine about his former coach Tom Coughlin.
Well, after the Giants victory Tiki would like to go on record as saying he may have been wrong. He is very sorry. He said he suffers from a medical condition known as "Strahan's Gap" which is a serious medical condition that causes football players in the twilight of their careers to incessantly ramble on about how important they are to a team while seemingly lying through their teeth. In a heartfelt confession of guilt Tiki knows he was wrong to question the Giants organization and Manning's leadership abilities . Barber would like to leave the "Barber Shop" to make amends and heal his "Strahan's Gap" with the only known cure…a new contract for next year. The terms of which will be determined after sitting out of training camp of course. So New Jersey get out your torches and flock to the streets because Tiki is sorry and he wants to suit up for the G-Men again next year.
Video of Bill Romonowski doing steroids on the sideline during a Pats- Broncos game
Yep, there he is the on the sidelines tying off with the chinstrap of Drew Bledsoe, syringe in hand and an insane menacing gaze on his face. Then coincidentally there is the video of him in the parking lot after the game suffering from a severe case of roid rage after misplacing his car keys. In the later video he si shown to spit on a parking attendant then throw a child through the windshield of his Mercedes.
In Romo's defense, it was his own little girl that he threw and she seemed to be OK after the incident. Romo then told the dazed girl as lovingly and softly as he possibly could "I'LL TAKE YOU OUT FOR ICE CREAM! DON'T TELL YOUR MOM!" No word on whether the little girl suffered any long term repercussions from the incident, but word is that they now refer to the child as "Big Ben."
A five minute montage of the various injuries Drew Bledsoe sustained during his time in the NFL. Most notably with the Patriots
Apparently it's a 5 minute amazing tribute to the man that ran in cement shoes set to ELO's "Don't Bring Me Down" in the background. Just five minutes of bone crushing hits by linebackers and defensive ends on the agility impaired QB. We've heard it plays out like a Discovery Channel show where the lion goes after the wounded gazelle and everyone can see what's coming, yet we are all somehow inclined to watch anyway. Whether it be the broken finger on his throwing hand, no doubt multiple concussions and the only person to ever be listed on an injury reports as suffering from "internal bleeding," Bledsoe managed to make being painfully slow a slowly painful art. We here at The Party only wish we were privy to the video as we are doing a study on NFL quarterback injuries and messing around with math theories about the speed of LB's as they correlate to a QB's speed which we refer to as The Bledsoe Theorem and the other being related directly to injury reports called The McNair Quandary.
Peyton Manning's SNL episode
We think it's because Tom Brady is secretly jealous at what "a big ham," Peyton is and probably watched the show like he would game film to try and best him after the writers come back. Will we see a Tom Brady line of walking boots sketch in the future? Only time will tell.
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