Money Money Money…
…No Money
With the United States slowly slipping into the depths of a complete economic recession amid rising fuel costs, a credit crisis and a housing market teetering on the brink of a complete collapse, one would think that the rich would still thrive while the poor simply had to push their cars to work. However, it seems that even the rich are feeling the steely grip of economic recession.
"Everyone's got a price," The Million Dollar man used to eloquently state to opponents such as Rowdy Roddy Piper and Superfly Jimmy Snuka right before he struck them in the face with a folding chair. "Everyone's got to pay."
Sadly, now it looks like it's Mr. DiBiase himself, who has taken a folding chair to his face, as the US economic meltdown has left him almost penniless. The only thing folding in former "King of the Rings" life right now is his fledgling Million Dollar Corporation.
"I had to fire Virgil again," said the despondent DiBiase as he packed his desk belongings into an uncharacteristicly bland cardboard box. "We'd been together for 20 years. Then one day I turn on CNBC and poof, it's all gone. Damn that Jim Cramer and his Mad Money! I wish I still had my folding chair factory so I could grab one and pop that red haired bastard in the mouth. Booyah! Right to that ugly mug of his! Stock Pick of the Week: Buy high in dentistry."
Alas, Jim Cramer can't be the only one to blame. It seems that Million Dollar Corp. has been riding the slow train to Bankruptsville for quite some time now. The company dealt mostly in commodities that DiBiase himself knew the most about. Things such as bow ties, diamond encrusted chalices, Sapphires, non-toxic face paint, HGH, folding chairs, ostentatious suits that would make both Elvis and Liberace puke in their own mouths, etc, etc.
"I should have known when the Hart Foundation went under, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat had to sell both his dragon and his steamboat…we were getting ready to bottom out," said a the former Million Dollar Man.
DiBiase trusted most of his money and control in Million Dollar Corp. to his long time accountant and former tag team partner Irwin R. Schyster. It turns out Schyster was a much better wrestler than accountant; and that's not saying a whole lot. In only a matter of a few short years Schyster took the once thriving corporation from "King of the Ring" to "Summer Slammed."
Some claimed his accounting credentials were more than a bit shady and many questioned his educational background. Schyster always claimed that he graduated Magna Cum Laude from the prestigious Wharton School of Business, but those close to the accountant say that he was no more accredited than simply having one of those degrees that you could order by mail. Others swear that his degree was nothing more than a vague description of an ITT Tech commercial written on the back of a Denny's placemat. But, by the time anyone at the Million Dollar Corporation could question unwise investment strategies, the company was in ruins.
No more fancy stretch limousines. No more bourgeois suits. No more prestigious WWF titles. No more money, money, money.
"Had to sell my suits to Mathew Lesko, that wild-eyed ? Mark suit guy from those commercials. You know, the ones where he jumps around and screams about all this free money the government is giving away. Apparently there's a government program to help low level television personalities afford gaudy diamond encrusted suits. As a businessman, I find that to be suspect. You ever seen those commercials? That guys hopped up on something. I wouldn't be surprised if he uses that money to fund a meth lab somewhere…"
As for the famous Million Dollar Belt, that goes to the only personality with more money and less tact than the former Tag Team Champ. "Donald Trump. He's the only damn person that can afford anything now," Ted said disgustedly. "It just goes to show that you can buy the belt, you can buy diamonds to encrust the belt, you can buy help to carry the belt, but you can't buy class to go with the belt."
And so it seems the Million Dollar Dream is finally over. Another victim of a worldwide economic nosedive that seems far from over. The Dream is looking more and more like a Million Dollar Nightmare at this point. Ted DiBiase aka The Million Dollar Man, has filed Chapter 11 and declared bankruptcy. A melancholy end to a prestigious career.
When I asked how the public should refer to him now that his famous moniker is no longer relevant, he said, "I dunno, I guess I'll just have to go by Regular Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase."
With his cardboard box of mementos Regular Dollar Man Ted DiBiase walked slowly down the street. Drinking Night Train out of a brown paper bag and singing his entrance music alongside longtime pals The Ultimate Warrior and Koko B. Ware, the once proud WWF Superstar disappeared into the night. Just a few more casualties of the waning popularity of professional wrestling. A few more casualties of a toxic economy.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Madden Code of Conduct
Men have lived upon the Earth for thousands of years. We have constructed buildings of unimaginable complexity and beauty, we have traveled great distances into the cosmos in order to appease our unending curiosity of our place in the universe and men have fought numerous wars that shed the blood of their fellow man in order to guard their belief in unalienable freedoms. And through these times men have always lived by a strict code of conduct.
- Never leave a man behind unless he's with a hot woman or he's sober enough to hail a cab.
- Never welch on a bet.
- Never sleep with another man's ex unless getting the OK from said man before hand,. So in simple terms, never sleep with another man's ex.
- Free beer is for drinking and not for complaining about brand selection.
- And under no circumstances outside of another guy setting either you or your mother on fire are you allowed to kick/punch/throw something at another man's testicles.
With today's release of Madden 2009, I think it's about time somebody laid down the "Man Code for Madden." Douchebags and dirty players alike have been running amuck for too long now and I think it's high time someone laid down some ground rules for the most popular sports game since RBI Baseball.
1. Never run the clock out.
This is what is refer to in the sports gaming community as a "bitch move." I'm not talking about using a specific play or plays to actually burn time off the clock, because that's just game management and good coaching. I'm talking the score is 23-20 with a minute and half left and someone is using the kneel button to run out the clock.
##M:[more Madden Code of Conduct]##
First of all there shouldn't even be a kneel-down button because it's garbage and unfathomably insulting to any opponent that isn't the computer. It's especially insulting when the opponent has mounted and epic fourth quarter comeback, only to have Matt Hasselback take a knee three consecutive times inside his own 20. A move like this is grounds for a prison style beating after the clock runs out and depending on the situation, if you take a loss like this then the next time you play you are within your rights to remove the off-sides penalty when your opponent goes to get another beer and then when he least expects it, you get a running start and completely blow up Hasselbeck before he even snaps the ball. Just lay him out. I'm talking a helmet to helmet contact that would make Troy Aikman forget where he was just by watching it.
You don't have to pass, you can run any play from the Goal Line package, but you cannot kneel down under any circumstances.
2. Don't use the Patriots unless you are:
A) In the top 1% of New England Patriot fans
B) You've never played before and your opponent has a distinct experience advantage
C) Your opponent has picked one of the All-Time-All-Madden Teams
The only thing that John Madden has more of a hard-on for than Brett Favre is the New Enlgand Patriots. Look, I know Tom Brady is a good quarterback and the Patriots have always been a solid team (that knew the other teams plays) with an above average defense, but the video game Pats are the equivalent to Tecmo Bo.
Impossible is their M.O. Every Brady pass is on a rope to his inconceivably adept receivers and every small defensive mistake turns into a 85 yard touchdown. Every time your QB holds the ball more than 4 seconds you get sacked and every ball over the middle is intercepted by Mike Vrabel. Look, until last year, Brady couldn't be considered THAT good and he still isn't THAT good.
But, it's been this way for the last 5 damn years. The only way to counter the smothering monstrosity that is the Madden Patriots is to use Peyton Manning's laser rocket arm or to use dog fighter extraordinaire Mike Vick to scramble past a line backing corps that is a combined 387 years old. Now that Vick is behind bars (I'm assuming there aren't any prison teams on Madden 09) the only fair match-up is Pats is vs. Colts or the oft overlooked Pats vs. Pats. Otherwise you're just being a dick.
So unless your truly uber fan #1, have named his kid Bruschi, have a Pats tattoo somewhere on your body, are related to someone in the Kraft family, or are playing against Peyton Manning, do us all a favor and please pick another team.
3. Hazing/harassing/embarrassing an opponent who has obviously been beer bonging Jose Quervo all night is uncalled for and unsportsmanlike
Although you are not required by man code to take it easy on him in lieu of his intoxication level, you should keep the comments and criticism to a semi-professional level. This means no jabs at his employment status, his sister's promiscuity, or the fact that he in fact has the hand eye coordination of a nine year old girl during a dizzy bat race.
This is of course unless you yourself have been partaking in Jager Bombs all night. Then it's known that the playing field's been leveled out and one should show no mercy in letting your inebriated opponent know why Eli Manning is still a fluke and a failure.
4. Instant Replay is off-limits
Nobody wants to see watch their futility in super slow motion, no matter how awesome you think the play was. Under no circumstances should you make your opponent endure a slow-motion recap of how much they suck at video football. Not only does it screw up the flow of the game, it's also just insulting. You didn't actually make that tackle/throw/catch and you're not a professional sports analyst, so spare me the frame by frame Mr. Madden.
The only time I've ever used the instant replay was when my buddy, a rabidly obnoxious Patriots fan and I were playing Madden and he was spouting off at the mouth (as most Pats fans and Jets fans are known for) about how inexplicably awesome and god-like Tom Brady was.
After a few disparaging remarks about my mother and another speech about Tommy Boy being not unlike Jesus Christ in football pads, Julius Peppers came weak side and blindsided the poster boy with a bone rattling hit that bent his back in such a way that his spine actually contorted to resemble the letter C. As in, C you next year when I get the feeling in my legs back or I did not C you and now I am able to taste my spleen.
I remarked that the hit was so vicious that someone at EA would probably have to call Mr. Brady up in the middle of the night and let him know that he in fact was deceased on Madden 2007. I put such a vicious hit on him that he'd no longer be capable of functioning as a player on the game and may God have mercy on his battered soul.
Tom Brady suffered a career ending back injury that night, much to the chagrin of Brady uber alles sitting to my right. The play turned the tide of the game and nearly left my opponent in tears. In other words, it was a glorious moment for everyone in the room who was not from New England. I ended up destroying Matt Cassell's Patriots that game and Super Fan #1 had to sit there and watch me make Gretzky's head bleed.
And let me tell you, we saw that play from EVERY CONCIVEABLE ANGLE!
5. No phone calls with girlfriend and/or wife during the game
Unless she's calling from:
A) jail
B) the hospital
C) a bed in which she is naked with another woman
A player is not to take a call from a better half that exceeds 1 minute in length. This is not a rule, this is a law. None of your friends want to hear about your numerous relationship problems or the various reasons for your domestic squabbles (like you spend too much time playing video games with your drunken friends) while immersed in the spirit of competition.
That is why there is a one minute cap on all phone calls with only these exceptions:
- Your buddy at the store buying beer/grilling materials needs an opinion
- The hot girl from work needs directions to your apartment
- The game is in the last 2 minutes and the phone call is a bonafide emergency
- Somebody has to flip the burgers
- Your buddy at the bar is talking to the Swedish water polo team
 Any phone call exceeding a minute in length means that the player in question must relinquish his controller to the person in closest proximity to you or the guy that screams "I'll play for you!" You are then required to go either outside or in another room to finish whatever business you have on said phone and will not get your controller back until the group recognizes that all business has indeed been taken care of and another conversation will not again interrupt the current game.
6. Shenanigans is a privilege not a right
I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next person who says shenanigans!
Hey Farva, what's that restaurant you like that has all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
You mean Shenanigans?
Ohhhhhhh!?!
Shenanigans is a very touchy subject in the gaming community. Or at least it is where I come from. If you play enough Madden, you are bound to come across some of the most ridiculous and asinine plays in football history. Whether it's some 5 foot 6 receiver making a leaping catch while fighting off 4 players in the secondary to pick up the first down, a running back bouncing off six defenders in the backfield to break a ninety yard run or folding Tom Brady's spine like a lawn chair with Scoliosis; a player is bound to come across a play or two a game that make you question what the people at EA where thinking, but that's no reason to get wildly upset and is rarely a reason to quit a game mid-stream.
These plays usually happen for both teams, so a player should always understand that what goes around comes around. Yeah, sometimes the play is so inconceivable that you might throw a controller to the ground or it may cause you to question your opponents moral compass, but there are only rare cases where a player can actually utter the word that holds a player and EA sports accountable for what can only be described as complete and utter bullshit.
That word is shenanigans and it is a word so full of venom and spite, that if the word is overused by a player it can actually be used on said player. That's calling shenanigans on shenanigans and the makes you a "shenanigoat" (a person that uses shenanigans as a scapegoat. It's a complicated system.)
The rules for shenanigans are as follows:
A) It has to be used sparingly. More than once a day is cause for suspect and more than once a game is grounds for revoking playing privileges.
B) The play in question has to either tie the score or put the game out of completely out of reach. Otherwise you're just being a pansy.
C) If the play in question is agreed upon to be shenanigans, the person who completed the play must not bring said play up for the duration of the contest, even if it turns out to be the winning play.
No one likes to lose and even more so, no one likes to be lose by means of pure luck for their opponent. So no rubbing it in, even if a Gramtica brother somehow managed to kick a 70 yard field goal into a 10 mph wind to win a game in overtime and didn't even sprain his ankle during the celebration.
These are just a few of the rules to keep in mind when you play your brand new copy of Madden 09 today. These rules are here for everyones benefit. We must abide by the rule, “Honor among men and most importantly honor among Madden. Speaking of which, happy gaming to all those people staying home from work and suffering from the mysterious 24 hour flu that's suddenly making the rounds.
...Shenanigans.
- Never leave a man behind unless he's with a hot woman or he's sober enough to hail a cab.
- Never welch on a bet.
- Never sleep with another man's ex unless getting the OK from said man before hand,. So in simple terms, never sleep with another man's ex.
- Free beer is for drinking and not for complaining about brand selection.
- And under no circumstances outside of another guy setting either you or your mother on fire are you allowed to kick/punch/throw something at another man's testicles.
With today's release of Madden 2009, I think it's about time somebody laid down the "Man Code for Madden." Douchebags and dirty players alike have been running amuck for too long now and I think it's high time someone laid down some ground rules for the most popular sports game since RBI Baseball.
1. Never run the clock out.
This is what is refer to in the sports gaming community as a "bitch move." I'm not talking about using a specific play or plays to actually burn time off the clock, because that's just game management and good coaching. I'm talking the score is 23-20 with a minute and half left and someone is using the kneel button to run out the clock.
##M:[more Madden Code of Conduct]##
First of all there shouldn't even be a kneel-down button because it's garbage and unfathomably insulting to any opponent that isn't the computer. It's especially insulting when the opponent has mounted and epic fourth quarter comeback, only to have Matt Hasselback take a knee three consecutive times inside his own 20. A move like this is grounds for a prison style beating after the clock runs out and depending on the situation, if you take a loss like this then the next time you play you are within your rights to remove the off-sides penalty when your opponent goes to get another beer and then when he least expects it, you get a running start and completely blow up Hasselbeck before he even snaps the ball. Just lay him out. I'm talking a helmet to helmet contact that would make Troy Aikman forget where he was just by watching it.
You don't have to pass, you can run any play from the Goal Line package, but you cannot kneel down under any circumstances.
2. Don't use the Patriots unless you are:
A) In the top 1% of New England Patriot fans
B) You've never played before and your opponent has a distinct experience advantage
C) Your opponent has picked one of the All-Time-All-Madden Teams
The only thing that John Madden has more of a hard-on for than Brett Favre is the New Enlgand Patriots. Look, I know Tom Brady is a good quarterback and the Patriots have always been a solid team (that knew the other teams plays) with an above average defense, but the video game Pats are the equivalent to Tecmo Bo.
Impossible is their M.O. Every Brady pass is on a rope to his inconceivably adept receivers and every small defensive mistake turns into a 85 yard touchdown. Every time your QB holds the ball more than 4 seconds you get sacked and every ball over the middle is intercepted by Mike Vrabel. Look, until last year, Brady couldn't be considered THAT good and he still isn't THAT good.
But, it's been this way for the last 5 damn years. The only way to counter the smothering monstrosity that is the Madden Patriots is to use Peyton Manning's laser rocket arm or to use dog fighter extraordinaire Mike Vick to scramble past a line backing corps that is a combined 387 years old. Now that Vick is behind bars (I'm assuming there aren't any prison teams on Madden 09) the only fair match-up is Pats is vs. Colts or the oft overlooked Pats vs. Pats. Otherwise you're just being a dick.
So unless your truly uber fan #1, have named his kid Bruschi, have a Pats tattoo somewhere on your body, are related to someone in the Kraft family, or are playing against Peyton Manning, do us all a favor and please pick another team.
3. Hazing/harassing/embarrassing an opponent who has obviously been beer bonging Jose Quervo all night is uncalled for and unsportsmanlike
Although you are not required by man code to take it easy on him in lieu of his intoxication level, you should keep the comments and criticism to a semi-professional level. This means no jabs at his employment status, his sister's promiscuity, or the fact that he in fact has the hand eye coordination of a nine year old girl during a dizzy bat race.
This is of course unless you yourself have been partaking in Jager Bombs all night. Then it's known that the playing field's been leveled out and one should show no mercy in letting your inebriated opponent know why Eli Manning is still a fluke and a failure.
4. Instant Replay is off-limits
Nobody wants to see watch their futility in super slow motion, no matter how awesome you think the play was. Under no circumstances should you make your opponent endure a slow-motion recap of how much they suck at video football. Not only does it screw up the flow of the game, it's also just insulting. You didn't actually make that tackle/throw/catch and you're not a professional sports analyst, so spare me the frame by frame Mr. Madden.
The only time I've ever used the instant replay was when my buddy, a rabidly obnoxious Patriots fan and I were playing Madden and he was spouting off at the mouth (as most Pats fans and Jets fans are known for) about how inexplicably awesome and god-like Tom Brady was.
After a few disparaging remarks about my mother and another speech about Tommy Boy being not unlike Jesus Christ in football pads, Julius Peppers came weak side and blindsided the poster boy with a bone rattling hit that bent his back in such a way that his spine actually contorted to resemble the letter C. As in, C you next year when I get the feeling in my legs back or I did not C you and now I am able to taste my spleen.
I remarked that the hit was so vicious that someone at EA would probably have to call Mr. Brady up in the middle of the night and let him know that he in fact was deceased on Madden 2007. I put such a vicious hit on him that he'd no longer be capable of functioning as a player on the game and may God have mercy on his battered soul.
Tom Brady suffered a career ending back injury that night, much to the chagrin of Brady uber alles sitting to my right. The play turned the tide of the game and nearly left my opponent in tears. In other words, it was a glorious moment for everyone in the room who was not from New England. I ended up destroying Matt Cassell's Patriots that game and Super Fan #1 had to sit there and watch me make Gretzky's head bleed.
And let me tell you, we saw that play from EVERY CONCIVEABLE ANGLE!
5. No phone calls with girlfriend and/or wife during the game
Unless she's calling from:
A) jail
B) the hospital
C) a bed in which she is naked with another woman
A player is not to take a call from a better half that exceeds 1 minute in length. This is not a rule, this is a law. None of your friends want to hear about your numerous relationship problems or the various reasons for your domestic squabbles (like you spend too much time playing video games with your drunken friends) while immersed in the spirit of competition.
That is why there is a one minute cap on all phone calls with only these exceptions:
- Your buddy at the store buying beer/grilling materials needs an opinion
- The hot girl from work needs directions to your apartment
- The game is in the last 2 minutes and the phone call is a bonafide emergency
- Somebody has to flip the burgers
- Your buddy at the bar is talking to the Swedish water polo team
 Any phone call exceeding a minute in length means that the player in question must relinquish his controller to the person in closest proximity to you or the guy that screams "I'll play for you!" You are then required to go either outside or in another room to finish whatever business you have on said phone and will not get your controller back until the group recognizes that all business has indeed been taken care of and another conversation will not again interrupt the current game.
6. Shenanigans is a privilege not a right
I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next person who says shenanigans!
Hey Farva, what's that restaurant you like that has all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
You mean Shenanigans?
Ohhhhhhh!?!
Shenanigans is a very touchy subject in the gaming community. Or at least it is where I come from. If you play enough Madden, you are bound to come across some of the most ridiculous and asinine plays in football history. Whether it's some 5 foot 6 receiver making a leaping catch while fighting off 4 players in the secondary to pick up the first down, a running back bouncing off six defenders in the backfield to break a ninety yard run or folding Tom Brady's spine like a lawn chair with Scoliosis; a player is bound to come across a play or two a game that make you question what the people at EA where thinking, but that's no reason to get wildly upset and is rarely a reason to quit a game mid-stream.
These plays usually happen for both teams, so a player should always understand that what goes around comes around. Yeah, sometimes the play is so inconceivable that you might throw a controller to the ground or it may cause you to question your opponents moral compass, but there are only rare cases where a player can actually utter the word that holds a player and EA sports accountable for what can only be described as complete and utter bullshit.
That word is shenanigans and it is a word so full of venom and spite, that if the word is overused by a player it can actually be used on said player. That's calling shenanigans on shenanigans and the makes you a "shenanigoat" (a person that uses shenanigans as a scapegoat. It's a complicated system.)
The rules for shenanigans are as follows:
A) It has to be used sparingly. More than once a day is cause for suspect and more than once a game is grounds for revoking playing privileges.
B) The play in question has to either tie the score or put the game out of completely out of reach. Otherwise you're just being a pansy.
C) If the play in question is agreed upon to be shenanigans, the person who completed the play must not bring said play up for the duration of the contest, even if it turns out to be the winning play.
No one likes to lose and even more so, no one likes to be lose by means of pure luck for their opponent. So no rubbing it in, even if a Gramtica brother somehow managed to kick a 70 yard field goal into a 10 mph wind to win a game in overtime and didn't even sprain his ankle during the celebration.
These are just a few of the rules to keep in mind when you play your brand new copy of Madden 09 today. These rules are here for everyones benefit. We must abide by the rule, “Honor among men and most importantly honor among Madden. Speaking of which, happy gaming to all those people staying home from work and suffering from the mysterious 24 hour flu that's suddenly making the rounds.
...Shenanigans.
John Daly 2008 Golf
Do you like enjoy professional golf, but often tire of the tedium of always being quiet and sober out on the course. Do you enjoy playing Golden-Tee at the bar, but always become distracted by your buddy constantly puking on the pinball machine or the hot blonde in the low cut shirt playing pool at the table next to you? Worry no longer my friend as Blue Monkey Disco Party has created a game that combines the rowdiness of the bar, the fun and excitement of alcohol poisoning and all the T&A that you can shake your 3-wood at. Light up them Marlboro's and welcome to John Daly 2008.
John Daly 2008 will be equipped with the latest in video game technology, as new video game company BAL has developed a computerized breathalyzer accessory that hooks straight into your game console and let's your PS3 or X-Box know when your blood alcohol level has reached a sufficient enough level to compete with an uber-lete like Mr. Daly . Better break out your beer helmets and saddle up to the bar before hitting the links with Johnny boy, because you're gonna need to blow a .12 to even get the game to turn on.
Gamers will have to purchase the breathalyzer pack separately for $69.99, but it's a necessity in order to get the true John Daly Golf experience. Fortunately, the breathalyzer pack comes with two beer "holsters" for players to keep their cold ones close by while in the heat of competition. It also includes a "Camel Caddy" for the golfer too focused (or unfocused) to stumble 20 ft back to the cart for his smokes. A med-alert bracelet, which players are supposed to write their blood type on. And finally, defibrillators, which players will probably get good use out of as they advance further and further in the game.*
If you start to feel the any of the following :
- light headedness
- inability to operate heavy machinery
- insatiable hunger for wild turkey and Wild Turkey
- the need to take your shirt off
You are ready to start swinging the sticks with Big John!
While the game play is sort of wobbly/fuzzy and it can become increasingly hard to keep your balance as you shotgun beers before each hole, players will have all sorts of sordid obstacles to overcome in order to advance into the championship level. Some of the challenges throughout the game are:
Trying not to ogle the girl in the Hooters outfit that's looping for you while studying your putts
Passing up all the sponsor tents lining the fairways with signs that say "Open Bar"
Have to smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds by the turn or you receive a two stroke penalty
Game is obviously made to give players with the physique of a pregnant walrus a distinct advantage
It turns out that all your rowdy friends have not actually settled down and they're in the gallery with air horns
Daly crushes a 300 yard drive = you crushing a tequila shooter
Trashy women in Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirts will flash you and try to throw off your concentration
Hired that guy that played Tony D'Annunzio in Caddyshack to follow you around and yell "Noonan…MISS IT!"
No shirt, no shoes, no problem. No beer--immediate disqualification
And if you are lucky enough to get to the final match without succumbing to alcohol poisoning or passing out, you'll be able to go toe to toe in match play with JD himself. Players barley able to stand need not worry, as the final 18 is all carts, all the time. When your at the zenith of athletic condition…there's no reason to walk!
And you better beat him in the 18 allotted, otherwise things get ugly as the play-off system is just a shot drinking contest -- whoever finished a bottle of Old Crow first is declared the champion and is presented a trophy by the president of Schlitz Brewing, a 20% off coupon for Hooters and a free stomach pump at the hospital of your choice.
John Daly 2008 is fun for all shapes, sizes and alcohol preferences. So, lock you car keys in a safe place and send the kids to bed early, it's time to play a round with the only golfer you know who's name isn't Tiger Woods.
* Players will also be able to use the accessory for the upcoming release: Drum Hero starring Keith Moon. Cases of whiskey and Heminevrin will be sold separately. Consult your doctor if you show symptoms of trying to drive your Corolla into a pool.
MLB Mid-Season Movie Awards
The Pedro Cerrano Award for "Straight Ball I Hit It Very Much. Curveball, Bats Are Afraid" Award
Seattle Mariners - Richie Sexson - .210 - 9 HR 23 RBI
Sexson, who claimed that injuries led to last years struggles at the plate is once again off to a power surge start belting 9 hr in his first 60 games while batting a not-so astonishing .210. If Sexson is somehow able to keep his job and keep hitting about one out of every four fastballs he sees, they are going to have to rename the Mendoza line the Sexson line. Of course coining that phrase will cost Seattle about $12.5 million a year.
*If you play fantasy baseball, you should only draft this guy if your league has a category for distance.
The Crash Davis Award for Season Going Under The MLB Radar
Texas Rangers - Ian Kinsler - .312 - 13 HR - 50 RBI - 20 SB
As was in Bull Durham, so is the Texas Rangers season. The Rangers acquired the enigmatic Josh Hamilton this past off-season and when he got to Arlington (the most hitter friendly park in the MLB) he got down to the business of hitting. And so far, he's hitting damn near everything and getting the press that goes along with it. However, the Ranger's second baseman has been equally involved in keeping the Rangers afloat a tight AL West race. In his sophomore season, Kinsler has been the prototypical lead- off man by setting the table for the powerhouse behind him and is the leading reason that Hamilton and RF Milton Bradley are having career years in runs batted in. Yet, you probably won't see any cover stories about this guy, but so far, he's been one of the most productive players of the 2008 season.
The Rookie of the Year Rookie Of The Year Award
AL - Tampa Bay Rays - Evan Longoria - .267 - 15 HR - 47 HR- 4 SB
Longoria has been all that he was advertised as. After sitting out the first few weeks of this season because of contract issues, Evan Longoria has become to baseball fans what Eva Longoria is to housewives. The 22 year old is putting up some solid numbers on a team that has been lacking their premiere power hitters all season long. It's safe to say he's part of the reason the Rays are playing well and it's safe to say if he keeps hitting the way he is now, he'll be a fixture in Tampa for years to come.
NL -Cincinnatti Reds - Edinson Volquez - 2.08 ERA - 10 W - 110 K's
He has been lights out for Cincy this season. The 24 year old currently ranks 2nd in the NL in wins and K's, while leading the NL in ERA. An unreal start for any pitcher, let alone a rookie who during spring training some though might even take a back seat to fellow rookie teammate Jonhhy Cuento for 2008's ROY Award. As it stands, Volquez has a very real chance of being this first rookie in a long time to complete the triple crown for pitchers, which is somewhat astounding when you realize that he plays for a Reds team that has loads of young talent. With Voquez, Cuento and CF phenom Jay Bruce being the cornerstones of the future in Cincy, the Cubs better batten down the hatches and find a way to win a World Series before it's too late.
The Roger Dorn "This isn't my bat" Award for The Player Who Has Been 0 For The Season and has to take one for the team
Arizona Diamondbacks - Eric Byrnes - .209 - 6 HR - 23 RBI - 4 SB
The word "fluke" comes to mind when looking back on Byrnes 07' campaign, where he batted close to .290, drove in over 80 runs and stole a career-high 50 bases. The guy is a career .260 hitter, had never stolen more than 25 bags in a season and oh yeah, he was almost 32 by the end of last season. Luckily for Byrnes, the entire Diamondbacks outfield is suffering the same anemic disorder this season, as the Arizona outfield is hitting a combined .225 average on the year, leaving many to wonder if maybe there's something in the grass that is sucking the life out of the bats of the players who roam the outfield. I can understand that most of the outfield is young and inexpirienced, but this is not so for the 32 year old Byrnes. He has no excuse for hitting .200 this far in the season. So Eric, if you are reading this, and you are in the hole 0-2 and a fastball gets away from the pitcher high and inside, it's time to do like Roger Dorn in Major League and take one for the team. And try and steal second while your at it...
The Sandlot Scotty "You're Killing Me Smalls" Award for Underachievement
Philadelphia Phillies - Ryan Howard - .215 - 20 HR - 61 RBI
He may have 68 RBI and he may have 20 HR, but Howard is currently hitting a paltry .215 for the year and is on pace to K a MLB record 230 times. That ladeis and gentleman is about 30 more times than the record of 199 set last year…by Ryan Howard. Most of his RBI are merely due to the fact that Chase Utley got off to an insanely hot start and Howard was fortunate enough to hit right behind him in the order. For any other team in the majors, Howard would be currently sitting at about 30 something RBI and a vote for him would be a wasted ballot for this years All-Star Game. The interesting thing about his situation is that the Phillies have been hesitant to give the power hitting 1st baseman any type of big money deal, even after he won the 2006 NL MVP. My money says that they were pretty certain that Howard was capable of such a monumental collapse in batting average, so they had a wait and see attitude when it came to signing Howard to a long term deal. All that Phillie fans and fantasy owners that root for Ryan Howard can currently say is "Aww, you're killing me Smalls..."
The Bad News Bear Tanner Boyle Award for Best Temper Tantrum Of The Year
Houston Astros - Shawn Chacon - For going Latrell Sprewell on his coach
If you're a baseball fan, you by now know the story of pitcher Shawn Chacon grabbing his manger by the neck and throwing him to the ground earlier this week, that coincidentally lead to the Astros decision to release the pitcher yesterday. And by the looks of his 5.04 ERA and 1.51 WHIP, it's safe to say it's probably the best release that Chacon has seen all season long. Of course the players' association has decided to file a grievance over the release because let's face it people, these days, when a player commits assault and battery on one of his coaches in a room full of teammates and other coaches, it's best to hold a formal investigation into the matter. I mean, it's only a misdemeanor people. Somebody has to look out for the immature millionaires in these situations. At least he didn't throw his glove at the guy rounding second after a home run.
Roy Hobbs "The Natural" Award
Texas Rangers - Josh Hamilton - .312 - 19 - 80 RBI
Unless you don't follow baseball or have been living under a rock this year, you should know the saga of former drug addict Josh Hamilton. He was the first pick of the 99' draft, got a $4 million dollar signing bonus and then proceeded to spend most of his money on drugs and was suspended from baseball after repeatedly violating the league's subatance abuse policy. From 02' to 06' Hamilton was out of baseball all together and spent a god portion of that time in and out of rehab facilities. Three teams and almost 8 years later, Hamilton is looking like the MVP calibur player that the Devil Rays (they were called that at that time) had drafted with the 1st pick of the draft. An amazing story, that while doesn't exactly share the same exact story that the movie did, it does in fact have some of the same story archs and both stories do parrallel the same come back from tragic, almost near death circumstances to play the game they were destined to excell at. Let's at least hope that both stories share the same happy ending.
*However, Josh Hamilton's story was one that he brought on himself and therefore I see it a less of a man befallen by tragic circumstances and more of a lesson of what not to do with a shit ton of money.
The Willie Mays Hayes "You May Run Like Hayes, But You Hit Like Shit" Award
Houston Astros - Michael Bourn - .230 - 4HR - 31 SB
Michael Bourn started the season by stealing 13 bases in his first 86 at bats. At that point in the season he was on pace to hit .200 and still steal 90 bases or so. Now the Astro lead-off man is hitting .230 through the first half and has only 31 SB on the year. If he bought a pair of batting gloves for every base he steals, I figure he'll get to use them about once every four games. He'll get to admire them nailed to his apartment wall right before he grabs his gear and heads out to his next game in the minors. Dude, you're a lead-off man, get the OBP above .300 or start stealing them two at a time.
If You Build It...Moonlight Graham Back From The Dead Award
Tampa Bay Rays - Edwin Jackson - 4.33 ERA - 4 W - 60K
I know this seems like a stretch, but one has to remember that Jackson came in with the Los Angeles Dodgers back in 2003 and put up a 2.45 ERA in 4 games. Thia may not sound that great, but at the time he was a mere 19 years old and was regarded by many to be one of the league's premiere pitching prospects. He had jetted through the minors with ease, but it seemed that in the 2004 season, it may have been too much too quick for the once heralded hurler. He posted an ERA of over 7, 6, then 5 and 5 over the next four seasons. It seemed like he might not get it together, but this year Jackson has once again flashed some signs of brilliance on one of the youngest and brightest pitching staffs in the MLB. He currently is the 4th pitcher for the best team in baseball (really?) Tampa Bay Rays. He's showed signs of his old self in arguably the best hitting division in baseball. Pretty good considering he's still just 24 years old. But, only time will tell if he can once again flourish in the spotlight or possibly flounder back into pitching obscurity.
The Engelburg Award for Player "Most Likely To Be Eating During A Game" Award
Cleveland Indians - C.C. Sabathia - 3.78 ERA - 118 K's - 290 lbs (according to his Yahoo! profile)
Look, I know it's hard to argue about a guy with an ERA under 4 and is currently on pace to strike out 250 guys this year, but early on in the season, C.C.'s ERA and waste line ballooned up to Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade proportions. I'm not claiming that his weight was having a direct correlation to his performance, but honestly the guy looked like he weighed at least 320. Even David Wells would have called him up and told him to hit the gym. I understand that some pitchers don't like to run or work out, but this is getting ridiculous. This guy is paid HUGE money to pitch and stay fit and he looks like the only grand slam that he's worried about is on the menu at Denny's. You don't have to be an "athlete" per say, with fleet feet and the swiftest of reflexes, but for God's sake, could you at least get your weight down to under 300 lbs in time for Spring Training. You aren't a linebacker sir, the only hit's you will be taking part in will start during inter-league play, OK?
Mr. Baseball Award for the MLB Player Most Likely To End His Career In Japan
Frank Thomas .258 7 HR 27 RBI
This could be the ultimate coincidence after the main character in this 92' movie (Tom Selleck) was replaced by a hot hitting rookie who was played by none other than Frank Thomas himself. I'm guessing "The Big Hurt," who's skills have been rapidly deteriorating the past few seasons, will end up finishing out his career somewhere in Japan. This would be a case of absolute sheer sports/film irony. That's what he gets for messing with the most magnificent mustache in cinema history.
The Eight Men Out Award for Most Prominent Player Looking For A New Job
FA - Barry Bonds - All-time HR leader and man only 65 hits away from 3,000
You thought Barry wanted to come back to help win a championship didn't you? I think it's because he is only a half season of hits away from the illustrious 3,000 hit club, in which he would become the 28th member if he should be able to come back and churn out another 65 hits. That of course would be big baseball news. Not the 3,000 hits, the news would be the public relations nightmare that would come along with a team signing Bonds at this point in the season when they know that (A) His records are probably tainted (B) His reputation is definitely tainted (C) He's facing perjury charges for lying to a grand-jury and obstructing the federal government's investigation into BALCO (D) He's never been a company man and that's not going to change any time soon. Bond's is known as a distraction in the clubhouse, but at this point he's turned into a clubhouse circus. Any team that has interest in the services of Barry at this point need to really look hard at what their options are before signing this once hallowed slugger. Shoeless Joe will have plenty of company when the Steroid Era finally comes to an end.
Seattle Mariners - Richie Sexson - .210 - 9 HR 23 RBI
Sexson, who claimed that injuries led to last years struggles at the plate is once again off to a power surge start belting 9 hr in his first 60 games while batting a not-so astonishing .210. If Sexson is somehow able to keep his job and keep hitting about one out of every four fastballs he sees, they are going to have to rename the Mendoza line the Sexson line. Of course coining that phrase will cost Seattle about $12.5 million a year.
*If you play fantasy baseball, you should only draft this guy if your league has a category for distance.
The Crash Davis Award for Season Going Under The MLB Radar
Texas Rangers - Ian Kinsler - .312 - 13 HR - 50 RBI - 20 SB
As was in Bull Durham, so is the Texas Rangers season. The Rangers acquired the enigmatic Josh Hamilton this past off-season and when he got to Arlington (the most hitter friendly park in the MLB) he got down to the business of hitting. And so far, he's hitting damn near everything and getting the press that goes along with it. However, the Ranger's second baseman has been equally involved in keeping the Rangers afloat a tight AL West race. In his sophomore season, Kinsler has been the prototypical lead- off man by setting the table for the powerhouse behind him and is the leading reason that Hamilton and RF Milton Bradley are having career years in runs batted in. Yet, you probably won't see any cover stories about this guy, but so far, he's been one of the most productive players of the 2008 season.
The Rookie of the Year Rookie Of The Year Award
AL - Tampa Bay Rays - Evan Longoria - .267 - 15 HR - 47 HR- 4 SB
Longoria has been all that he was advertised as. After sitting out the first few weeks of this season because of contract issues, Evan Longoria has become to baseball fans what Eva Longoria is to housewives. The 22 year old is putting up some solid numbers on a team that has been lacking their premiere power hitters all season long. It's safe to say he's part of the reason the Rays are playing well and it's safe to say if he keeps hitting the way he is now, he'll be a fixture in Tampa for years to come.
NL -Cincinnatti Reds - Edinson Volquez - 2.08 ERA - 10 W - 110 K's
He has been lights out for Cincy this season. The 24 year old currently ranks 2nd in the NL in wins and K's, while leading the NL in ERA. An unreal start for any pitcher, let alone a rookie who during spring training some though might even take a back seat to fellow rookie teammate Jonhhy Cuento for 2008's ROY Award. As it stands, Volquez has a very real chance of being this first rookie in a long time to complete the triple crown for pitchers, which is somewhat astounding when you realize that he plays for a Reds team that has loads of young talent. With Voquez, Cuento and CF phenom Jay Bruce being the cornerstones of the future in Cincy, the Cubs better batten down the hatches and find a way to win a World Series before it's too late.
The Roger Dorn "This isn't my bat" Award for The Player Who Has Been 0 For The Season and has to take one for the team
Arizona Diamondbacks - Eric Byrnes - .209 - 6 HR - 23 RBI - 4 SB
The word "fluke" comes to mind when looking back on Byrnes 07' campaign, where he batted close to .290, drove in over 80 runs and stole a career-high 50 bases. The guy is a career .260 hitter, had never stolen more than 25 bags in a season and oh yeah, he was almost 32 by the end of last season. Luckily for Byrnes, the entire Diamondbacks outfield is suffering the same anemic disorder this season, as the Arizona outfield is hitting a combined .225 average on the year, leaving many to wonder if maybe there's something in the grass that is sucking the life out of the bats of the players who roam the outfield. I can understand that most of the outfield is young and inexpirienced, but this is not so for the 32 year old Byrnes. He has no excuse for hitting .200 this far in the season. So Eric, if you are reading this, and you are in the hole 0-2 and a fastball gets away from the pitcher high and inside, it's time to do like Roger Dorn in Major League and take one for the team. And try and steal second while your at it...
The Sandlot Scotty "You're Killing Me Smalls" Award for Underachievement
Philadelphia Phillies - Ryan Howard - .215 - 20 HR - 61 RBI
He may have 68 RBI and he may have 20 HR, but Howard is currently hitting a paltry .215 for the year and is on pace to K a MLB record 230 times. That ladeis and gentleman is about 30 more times than the record of 199 set last year…by Ryan Howard. Most of his RBI are merely due to the fact that Chase Utley got off to an insanely hot start and Howard was fortunate enough to hit right behind him in the order. For any other team in the majors, Howard would be currently sitting at about 30 something RBI and a vote for him would be a wasted ballot for this years All-Star Game. The interesting thing about his situation is that the Phillies have been hesitant to give the power hitting 1st baseman any type of big money deal, even after he won the 2006 NL MVP. My money says that they were pretty certain that Howard was capable of such a monumental collapse in batting average, so they had a wait and see attitude when it came to signing Howard to a long term deal. All that Phillie fans and fantasy owners that root for Ryan Howard can currently say is "Aww, you're killing me Smalls..."
The Bad News Bear Tanner Boyle Award for Best Temper Tantrum Of The Year
Houston Astros - Shawn Chacon - For going Latrell Sprewell on his coach
If you're a baseball fan, you by now know the story of pitcher Shawn Chacon grabbing his manger by the neck and throwing him to the ground earlier this week, that coincidentally lead to the Astros decision to release the pitcher yesterday. And by the looks of his 5.04 ERA and 1.51 WHIP, it's safe to say it's probably the best release that Chacon has seen all season long. Of course the players' association has decided to file a grievance over the release because let's face it people, these days, when a player commits assault and battery on one of his coaches in a room full of teammates and other coaches, it's best to hold a formal investigation into the matter. I mean, it's only a misdemeanor people. Somebody has to look out for the immature millionaires in these situations. At least he didn't throw his glove at the guy rounding second after a home run.
Roy Hobbs "The Natural" Award
Texas Rangers - Josh Hamilton - .312 - 19 - 80 RBI
Unless you don't follow baseball or have been living under a rock this year, you should know the saga of former drug addict Josh Hamilton. He was the first pick of the 99' draft, got a $4 million dollar signing bonus and then proceeded to spend most of his money on drugs and was suspended from baseball after repeatedly violating the league's subatance abuse policy. From 02' to 06' Hamilton was out of baseball all together and spent a god portion of that time in and out of rehab facilities. Three teams and almost 8 years later, Hamilton is looking like the MVP calibur player that the Devil Rays (they were called that at that time) had drafted with the 1st pick of the draft. An amazing story, that while doesn't exactly share the same exact story that the movie did, it does in fact have some of the same story archs and both stories do parrallel the same come back from tragic, almost near death circumstances to play the game they were destined to excell at. Let's at least hope that both stories share the same happy ending.
*However, Josh Hamilton's story was one that he brought on himself and therefore I see it a less of a man befallen by tragic circumstances and more of a lesson of what not to do with a shit ton of money.
The Willie Mays Hayes "You May Run Like Hayes, But You Hit Like Shit" Award
Houston Astros - Michael Bourn - .230 - 4HR - 31 SB
Michael Bourn started the season by stealing 13 bases in his first 86 at bats. At that point in the season he was on pace to hit .200 and still steal 90 bases or so. Now the Astro lead-off man is hitting .230 through the first half and has only 31 SB on the year. If he bought a pair of batting gloves for every base he steals, I figure he'll get to use them about once every four games. He'll get to admire them nailed to his apartment wall right before he grabs his gear and heads out to his next game in the minors. Dude, you're a lead-off man, get the OBP above .300 or start stealing them two at a time.
If You Build It...Moonlight Graham Back From The Dead Award
Tampa Bay Rays - Edwin Jackson - 4.33 ERA - 4 W - 60K
I know this seems like a stretch, but one has to remember that Jackson came in with the Los Angeles Dodgers back in 2003 and put up a 2.45 ERA in 4 games. Thia may not sound that great, but at the time he was a mere 19 years old and was regarded by many to be one of the league's premiere pitching prospects. He had jetted through the minors with ease, but it seemed that in the 2004 season, it may have been too much too quick for the once heralded hurler. He posted an ERA of over 7, 6, then 5 and 5 over the next four seasons. It seemed like he might not get it together, but this year Jackson has once again flashed some signs of brilliance on one of the youngest and brightest pitching staffs in the MLB. He currently is the 4th pitcher for the best team in baseball (really?) Tampa Bay Rays. He's showed signs of his old self in arguably the best hitting division in baseball. Pretty good considering he's still just 24 years old. But, only time will tell if he can once again flourish in the spotlight or possibly flounder back into pitching obscurity.
The Engelburg Award for Player "Most Likely To Be Eating During A Game" Award
Cleveland Indians - C.C. Sabathia - 3.78 ERA - 118 K's - 290 lbs (according to his Yahoo! profile)
Look, I know it's hard to argue about a guy with an ERA under 4 and is currently on pace to strike out 250 guys this year, but early on in the season, C.C.'s ERA and waste line ballooned up to Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade proportions. I'm not claiming that his weight was having a direct correlation to his performance, but honestly the guy looked like he weighed at least 320. Even David Wells would have called him up and told him to hit the gym. I understand that some pitchers don't like to run or work out, but this is getting ridiculous. This guy is paid HUGE money to pitch and stay fit and he looks like the only grand slam that he's worried about is on the menu at Denny's. You don't have to be an "athlete" per say, with fleet feet and the swiftest of reflexes, but for God's sake, could you at least get your weight down to under 300 lbs in time for Spring Training. You aren't a linebacker sir, the only hit's you will be taking part in will start during inter-league play, OK?
Mr. Baseball Award for the MLB Player Most Likely To End His Career In Japan
Frank Thomas .258 7 HR 27 RBI
This could be the ultimate coincidence after the main character in this 92' movie (Tom Selleck) was replaced by a hot hitting rookie who was played by none other than Frank Thomas himself. I'm guessing "The Big Hurt," who's skills have been rapidly deteriorating the past few seasons, will end up finishing out his career somewhere in Japan. This would be a case of absolute sheer sports/film irony. That's what he gets for messing with the most magnificent mustache in cinema history.
The Eight Men Out Award for Most Prominent Player Looking For A New Job
FA - Barry Bonds - All-time HR leader and man only 65 hits away from 3,000
You thought Barry wanted to come back to help win a championship didn't you? I think it's because he is only a half season of hits away from the illustrious 3,000 hit club, in which he would become the 28th member if he should be able to come back and churn out another 65 hits. That of course would be big baseball news. Not the 3,000 hits, the news would be the public relations nightmare that would come along with a team signing Bonds at this point in the season when they know that (A) His records are probably tainted (B) His reputation is definitely tainted (C) He's facing perjury charges for lying to a grand-jury and obstructing the federal government's investigation into BALCO (D) He's never been a company man and that's not going to change any time soon. Bond's is known as a distraction in the clubhouse, but at this point he's turned into a clubhouse circus. Any team that has interest in the services of Barry at this point need to really look hard at what their options are before signing this once hallowed slugger. Shoeless Joe will have plenty of company when the Steroid Era finally comes to an end.
Next Great Sport: Baby Racing
Some sports writers have rendered professional sports dead in the water, and I'm not talking about that time you played water polo with all those horses. I'm talking about real sports.
Professional sports have been in a tailspin in recent years. They've been sullied by exorbitant contracts, performance enhancing drugs, rising ticket prices and gold toothed prima donna wide receivers that play for your favorite professional sports franchise and refuse to shut their mouth and do the job they are paid handsomely to do. You know who you are!
But I'm here to tell you Joe sports fan, that some lesser known sports are alive and well, actually flourishing outside the mainstream spotlight. You won't see it on ESPN and the highlights certainly won't be broadcast on your local sports report. No, I'm not talking about cock fighting, Pedro. I'm talking about something a little less PETA and a little more Social Services. I'm talking about the untainted, unequivocal beauty of sport. I'm of course talking about World League Baby Racing.
Oh yeah, I'm talking about "The Beautiful Race." In some circles they are calling it the next Jai Lai. I think it's going to be even bigger. Not just because it's fun to watch (it is), but because in America, the merit a sport is given is directly correlated to it's gambleability That statement alone should explain exactly why soccer isn't popular on this side of the pond. We don't know enough about the teams to make a sound financial decision on it. I blame it on the fact that there are like 50 players named some variation Ronoldo and I can never seem to pick the right one.
From now on, my financial decisions are going to be put into two categories. Alcohol and betting on borderline child abuse. They both tell the story of my childhood, so why should I stop living the dream now. It's like having an inside information on a thoroughbred, except you don't have to worry about a horseshoe bending and affecting your pick, cause if you can't trust a nine month old toddler to keep focused and see something through to the end, then really who in this world can you trust? I don't want to live in a world where we deny our children the right to compete on such a grand and noble stage.
Now I'm not talking about recreational baby racing here; I'm talking about down and dirty, no holds bar, gritty no-nonsense baby racing. It's uber-competitive. It's intense. It's indubatable. It's truly the zeitgeist of the baby sports community.
World League Baby Racing shouldn't be confused with the American Baby Racing Association, which has gone underground after one of the competitors tested positive for steroids. It took 3 judges and a trank gun to bring that baby down. Spectators present during that race agreed that if she hadn't been subdued, she would have crawled right through the wall and probably beat up on a some drifter in the parking lot. After that ugly scene, baby racers had to lay low and wait for international competitions to compete in.
Mexican baby racing has seen it's share of difficulties as well, which is apparently held on the U.S.-Mexico border. Winner gets a green card and a life of opportunity, while losers get a free lunch and a bus ride back home. Some claim the only real losers are the hardworking American tax-payers.
The World League has strict regulations and promises a system to keep it's competitors clean. This is THE sport of the future dear sports fan. Unfazed gladiators, proudly mounted upon their strollers, riding into packed warehouses full of roaring revelers like they were chariots bursting through the doors of the Roman Colloseum. If horse racing is the sport of kings, baby racing is the sport of sovereign nations willing to turn a blind eye on infant exploitation. The pure, unsullied sport of tiny, tiny champions. It's all the rage with babies and toddlers in the 6 to 15 month crowd. For them it falls directly into the spectrum of awesomeness somewhere between SpongeBob and shiny things.
How do you train these miniature athletes? Most parents of competitors agree that babies need the proper motivation. To excel at such a competitive sport. Some parents have strict training regiments that their babe atarts the first day he or she hit's the delivery room floor. Other simply bring noise makers or objects to shake in front of their child in order to draw attention to the finish line. Things like car keys, spoons, empty whiskey bottles, air horns and in some cases just idle threats about going home a winner or going home to a local orphanage.
This years favorite was Irish born Sheamus McShay aka "The Red Lightning." Stories of his amazing feats of strength varied. Some said he was a merely wives tale, a baby fraud, an old wives tale that parents told their children to hype them up before an important race. Others say he is such an angry and determined competitor, while in the birthing room of a Dublin hospital, he was so tenacious that his mother didn't need a C-section, he simply punched his way out of the womb.
Odds makers were paying 3:1 on baby Sheamus, but McShay's father wasn't so sure his son was the clear favorite. "I dunno if meh bahby's got the mooooves," said the concerned father. "I'm fahley blitzed reaght new. I'm not evehn sssshure if that's the reaght beby."
But, McShay had an ace in up sleeve. McShay had brought a secret weapon to waive at his baby to coax him to the finish line.
"Adoptian pehpehrs. If he doon't cohm home a wihnner, he doon't cuhm home t'all."
Serious words from a very serious man. Neglecting to win is one thing, but neglecting to leave it all out on the track is simply unacceptable. And neglecting you children…well that for the courts to decide.
McShay may have had reason to be worried. This video shows why.
YO ADRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at that face people. That is the future of sports staring you right in the face with it's chubby cheeks and limited motor skills. Million Dollar Baby isn't just a movie about women's boxing anymore! Baby racing is what this world is all about. These tiny athletes will not lay queitly about in their caged cribs and be denied the chance to compete any longer! They will cry and scream and throw tantrums like you have never witnessed to compete in the sport that they so dearly love.
The children.
The children are our future. And what type of people would we be if we chose not to bet on our future?
I won't deny the future leaders of the world the chance to shine early and often. I'm not ashamed to say that I not only advocate World Baby Racing, but that I also degenerately gamble on it's outcome. I've got 7 G's riding on baby Sheamus to place. I haven't had this much fun betting on the outcome of a race since thy stopped letting the monkeys ride the "little ponies." Sport of the FUTURE people and that future is now.
And for all you children reading this article, who live in impoverished third world countries and spend your whole lives toiling away in some factory, dreaming of one day coming to America and striking it rich...
Get back to work! Baby Sheamus' Nikes aren't going to sew themselves! I've got a lot of money
Professional sports have been in a tailspin in recent years. They've been sullied by exorbitant contracts, performance enhancing drugs, rising ticket prices and gold toothed prima donna wide receivers that play for your favorite professional sports franchise and refuse to shut their mouth and do the job they are paid handsomely to do. You know who you are!
But I'm here to tell you Joe sports fan, that some lesser known sports are alive and well, actually flourishing outside the mainstream spotlight. You won't see it on ESPN and the highlights certainly won't be broadcast on your local sports report. No, I'm not talking about cock fighting, Pedro. I'm talking about something a little less PETA and a little more Social Services. I'm talking about the untainted, unequivocal beauty of sport. I'm of course talking about World League Baby Racing.
Oh yeah, I'm talking about "The Beautiful Race." In some circles they are calling it the next Jai Lai. I think it's going to be even bigger. Not just because it's fun to watch (it is), but because in America, the merit a sport is given is directly correlated to it's gambleability That statement alone should explain exactly why soccer isn't popular on this side of the pond. We don't know enough about the teams to make a sound financial decision on it. I blame it on the fact that there are like 50 players named some variation Ronoldo and I can never seem to pick the right one.
From now on, my financial decisions are going to be put into two categories. Alcohol and betting on borderline child abuse. They both tell the story of my childhood, so why should I stop living the dream now. It's like having an inside information on a thoroughbred, except you don't have to worry about a horseshoe bending and affecting your pick, cause if you can't trust a nine month old toddler to keep focused and see something through to the end, then really who in this world can you trust? I don't want to live in a world where we deny our children the right to compete on such a grand and noble stage.
Now I'm not talking about recreational baby racing here; I'm talking about down and dirty, no holds bar, gritty no-nonsense baby racing. It's uber-competitive. It's intense. It's indubatable. It's truly the zeitgeist of the baby sports community.
World League Baby Racing shouldn't be confused with the American Baby Racing Association, which has gone underground after one of the competitors tested positive for steroids. It took 3 judges and a trank gun to bring that baby down. Spectators present during that race agreed that if she hadn't been subdued, she would have crawled right through the wall and probably beat up on a some drifter in the parking lot. After that ugly scene, baby racers had to lay low and wait for international competitions to compete in.
Mexican baby racing has seen it's share of difficulties as well, which is apparently held on the U.S.-Mexico border. Winner gets a green card and a life of opportunity, while losers get a free lunch and a bus ride back home. Some claim the only real losers are the hardworking American tax-payers.
The World League has strict regulations and promises a system to keep it's competitors clean. This is THE sport of the future dear sports fan. Unfazed gladiators, proudly mounted upon their strollers, riding into packed warehouses full of roaring revelers like they were chariots bursting through the doors of the Roman Colloseum. If horse racing is the sport of kings, baby racing is the sport of sovereign nations willing to turn a blind eye on infant exploitation. The pure, unsullied sport of tiny, tiny champions. It's all the rage with babies and toddlers in the 6 to 15 month crowd. For them it falls directly into the spectrum of awesomeness somewhere between SpongeBob and shiny things.
How do you train these miniature athletes? Most parents of competitors agree that babies need the proper motivation. To excel at such a competitive sport. Some parents have strict training regiments that their babe atarts the first day he or she hit's the delivery room floor. Other simply bring noise makers or objects to shake in front of their child in order to draw attention to the finish line. Things like car keys, spoons, empty whiskey bottles, air horns and in some cases just idle threats about going home a winner or going home to a local orphanage.
This years favorite was Irish born Sheamus McShay aka "The Red Lightning." Stories of his amazing feats of strength varied. Some said he was a merely wives tale, a baby fraud, an old wives tale that parents told their children to hype them up before an important race. Others say he is such an angry and determined competitor, while in the birthing room of a Dublin hospital, he was so tenacious that his mother didn't need a C-section, he simply punched his way out of the womb.
Odds makers were paying 3:1 on baby Sheamus, but McShay's father wasn't so sure his son was the clear favorite. "I dunno if meh bahby's got the mooooves," said the concerned father. "I'm fahley blitzed reaght new. I'm not evehn sssshure if that's the reaght beby."
But, McShay had an ace in up sleeve. McShay had brought a secret weapon to waive at his baby to coax him to the finish line.
"Adoptian pehpehrs. If he doon't cohm home a wihnner, he doon't cuhm home t'all."
Serious words from a very serious man. Neglecting to win is one thing, but neglecting to leave it all out on the track is simply unacceptable. And neglecting you children…well that for the courts to decide.
McShay may have had reason to be worried. This video shows why.
YO ADRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at that face people. That is the future of sports staring you right in the face with it's chubby cheeks and limited motor skills. Million Dollar Baby isn't just a movie about women's boxing anymore! Baby racing is what this world is all about. These tiny athletes will not lay queitly about in their caged cribs and be denied the chance to compete any longer! They will cry and scream and throw tantrums like you have never witnessed to compete in the sport that they so dearly love.
The children.
The children are our future. And what type of people would we be if we chose not to bet on our future?
I won't deny the future leaders of the world the chance to shine early and often. I'm not ashamed to say that I not only advocate World Baby Racing, but that I also degenerately gamble on it's outcome. I've got 7 G's riding on baby Sheamus to place. I haven't had this much fun betting on the outcome of a race since thy stopped letting the monkeys ride the "little ponies." Sport of the FUTURE people and that future is now.
And for all you children reading this article, who live in impoverished third world countries and spend your whole lives toiling away in some factory, dreaming of one day coming to America and striking it rich...
Get back to work! Baby Sheamus' Nikes aren't going to sew themselves! I've got a lot of money
Isiah Thomas, Jim Dolan and Larry Bird all walk into a bar....
Isiah Thomas, Jim Dolan and Larry Bird all walk into a bar. If you think it sounds like a joke, you'd be right, I mean just look at their respective track records. After we heard about the Knick's owner Dolan having a preference to keep Isaiah intact as coach, we envisioned how Jim would break the news to Isiah without committing hara-kiri. Of course as Knicks fans know, no one in New York can bear to stand talking about the oft faltering team unless they're at a bar...
Dolan: Bartender, a glass of Merlot please.
Isiah: You buying Jim?
Dolan: No sir, I only take care of salaries and sexual harassment lawsuits. Ha ha, but seriously, no.
Isiah: I'm glad you still have confidence in me, I was getting worried I was gonna have to start looking for a new job.
Dolan: Hey your still in the play-off run, which is mind boggling figuring we're on a blistering pace to win no more than 23 games. (sigh) 23 games.
Isiah: Gotta love the Eastern conference.
Dolan: We've only won 20 games -- Barkeep, screw the glass just bring me the bottle!
Isiah: I got two words for how we're gonna turn this team around Jim.
Isiah: Tyler Hansbrough. The College Basketball Player of the Year. He's a sure thing Jim. Carolina is know for their spectacular white centers! Remember Eric Montros? Mitch Kupchak? Cherokee Parks!
Dolan: Kupchak, now there's another management genius. Wonder if we'll be able to bring him in if Bynum doesn't pan out? Wait, I think that last one is from Duke.
Isiah: They're all the same mold. Awesomely un-athletic Caucasian basketball royalty. It's like every team that ever played the Globetrotters--WE COULD BE THE TEAM THAT PLAYS THE GLOBETROTTERS JIM!
Jim: That would help attendance…and we might win more games… I dunno Isaiah, I think we'd be better off with someone like Beasly or Rose.
Isiah: OR, or--what about a tree. Like not a little one, like a big one, like an oak tree or a redwood. We'll plant it in the lane.
Dolan: That's what you said about Eddy Curry and that didn't seem to work out too well. However, I will say a tree may have a better vertical.
Isiah: The place is called "The Garden" Jim, people will eat it up. Hey there's Larry! Larry over here!
Dolan: (mumbling) Doesn't mean we should turn it into an arboretum…although that would help attendance. Jeez, who am I kidding the New York media would just end up hanging me from it.
Larry: Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Indiana Pacers, who sport the third best record of the Central Conference. That's right, winners of just a shade better than 40% of our games…
Dolan: Barkeep, I'm gonna need a shot of Belvedere…
Isiah: I was just telling Jim about my idea to play a tree at center.
Larry: Like Eddy Curry?
Isiah: No, like a big ass oak tree or even maybe one of those tall pine trees, like the one they have in the Times Square at Christmas. We need a big mother to stop Dwight Howard.
Larry: French Lick had great trees…I'll give you a second round pick and Jermaine O'Neal for this tree you speak of.
Dolan: Really, a pine tree? I'm gonna spend 30 mil for a pine tree? Like the one at Stanford?
Isiah: I hadn't even thought of that! Jim you're a genius. With the third pick of the 2008 NBA draft, the New York Knicks select, the Stanford mascot!
Jim: …And then they carpet bomb my house. Barkeep, you know what, no more wine, just mix up anything clear behind the bar in a bucket and throw a straw in it.
Larry: Heck, we got a guy named Travis Diener, ever heard of him?
Isiah: No
Larry: Either have I, but he runs the point in Indiana now. Drafted him at some point, I don't remember when. That's been our draft strategy of late, draft players no ones heard of and then nobody can be disappointed.
Dolan: Wait, we worked hard for our pick this year! I mean, uh, well, we tried to wor--well it just seems like an important pick. Too important to draft a tree.
Larry: I personally think that's a phenomenal decision. I would try and follow your footsteps, but the Pacers are moving in a new direction. We don't seem to be good at playing basketball anymore, so, well, we're turning the Pacers into a Fight Club.
Isiah: Now see that's a good idea. That's great, I mean I can't remember the Pacers being relevant since that night Artest punched the guy in the second row. See that's a GM for you. You're thinking outside the box Legend.
Larry: Yeah, we've got some real strict rules though, so don't tell anyone I told you. Gonna try and get Artest back and bring Bill Laimbeer out of retirement. Like our new slogan says "If you can't beat'em on the basketball court, beat'em in the parking lot on the way out." Or even in the stands cause we've really been struggling with a way to get the fans back involved.
Isiah: Nothing like a fist fight to get the people to start caring again. That's always been New York fan's motto.
Dolan: Bartender get me a bottle of Chivas and a funnel!
Isiah: You know I called Michael Jordan the other day to see who the Bobcats were gonna draft and he said something interesting. They don't even have a draft strategy, they just take the whoever is on the cover of Sports Illustrated at the beginning of college basketball season or the best available UNC undergrad.
Larry: So that's why they took Adam Morrison 3rd overall last year.
Isiah: They said he was the next you Larry.
Larry: Yeah, he's the white version of Larry Bird.
Isiah: You're white Larry.
Larry: But I didn't play like it. Plus I could rebound, run the floor, create space, pass, shoot the ball at better than 38%…
Dolan: And your mustache only made you look vaguely like a sexual predator.
Larry: Yessir.
Isiah: I think we picked Renaldo Balkman by pulling his name out of a hat.
Larry: We drafted Shawne Williams that draft.
Isiah: Who?
Larry: Exactly!
Dolan: Bartender bring me a gas can and a plastic bag to put over my head.
Isiah: I dunno Larry, maybe we're doing something wrong here. Maybe, we'd be better off just fishing or playing golf somewhere.
Larry: And just walk away from being a part of professional basketball?
Dolan: Impossible, you aren't a part of professional basketball because you don't play in the Western Conference.
Larry: Maybe it's just best if former NBA players just stay off the benches and out of the front office.
Isiah: I'll call Jordan and tell him if you call McHale.
Larry: Maybe we should all get a show on the NBA network?
Isiah: What about that high school girls team that's lost like all it's games the past few years. I mean that has to be the perfect situation for someone like me cause they're used to losing.
Dolan: Barkeep, as much crack as you can fit into a highball glass and a pack of matches.
Isaiah: Ahh, who am I kidding. I've got a great job! The owner still wants me around, right Jim?
Dolan: Yeah, but Donnie Walsh might not.
Isiah: Should I be worried? Maybe saving my money?
Dolan: I wouldn't buy any shoes that were more than the new Starbury's.
Isiah: Ha! I hate that guy. Spending $15 bucks on an over the hill shoes is still too much for me. That'd be a horrible financial mistake.
Dolan: You should be used to that by now…Check Please!
Dolan: Bartender, a glass of Merlot please.
Isiah: You buying Jim?
Dolan: No sir, I only take care of salaries and sexual harassment lawsuits. Ha ha, but seriously, no.
Isiah: I'm glad you still have confidence in me, I was getting worried I was gonna have to start looking for a new job.
Dolan: Hey your still in the play-off run, which is mind boggling figuring we're on a blistering pace to win no more than 23 games. (sigh) 23 games.
Isiah: Gotta love the Eastern conference.
Dolan: We've only won 20 games -- Barkeep, screw the glass just bring me the bottle!
Isiah: I got two words for how we're gonna turn this team around Jim.
Isiah: Tyler Hansbrough. The College Basketball Player of the Year. He's a sure thing Jim. Carolina is know for their spectacular white centers! Remember Eric Montros? Mitch Kupchak? Cherokee Parks!
Dolan: Kupchak, now there's another management genius. Wonder if we'll be able to bring him in if Bynum doesn't pan out? Wait, I think that last one is from Duke.
Isiah: They're all the same mold. Awesomely un-athletic Caucasian basketball royalty. It's like every team that ever played the Globetrotters--WE COULD BE THE TEAM THAT PLAYS THE GLOBETROTTERS JIM!
Jim: That would help attendance…and we might win more games… I dunno Isaiah, I think we'd be better off with someone like Beasly or Rose.
Isiah: OR, or--what about a tree. Like not a little one, like a big one, like an oak tree or a redwood. We'll plant it in the lane.
Dolan: That's what you said about Eddy Curry and that didn't seem to work out too well. However, I will say a tree may have a better vertical.
Isiah: The place is called "The Garden" Jim, people will eat it up. Hey there's Larry! Larry over here!
Dolan: (mumbling) Doesn't mean we should turn it into an arboretum…although that would help attendance. Jeez, who am I kidding the New York media would just end up hanging me from it.
Larry: Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Indiana Pacers, who sport the third best record of the Central Conference. That's right, winners of just a shade better than 40% of our games…
Dolan: Barkeep, I'm gonna need a shot of Belvedere…
Isiah: I was just telling Jim about my idea to play a tree at center.
Larry: Like Eddy Curry?
Isiah: No, like a big ass oak tree or even maybe one of those tall pine trees, like the one they have in the Times Square at Christmas. We need a big mother to stop Dwight Howard.
Larry: French Lick had great trees…I'll give you a second round pick and Jermaine O'Neal for this tree you speak of.
Dolan: Really, a pine tree? I'm gonna spend 30 mil for a pine tree? Like the one at Stanford?
Isiah: I hadn't even thought of that! Jim you're a genius. With the third pick of the 2008 NBA draft, the New York Knicks select, the Stanford mascot!
Jim: …And then they carpet bomb my house. Barkeep, you know what, no more wine, just mix up anything clear behind the bar in a bucket and throw a straw in it.
Larry: Heck, we got a guy named Travis Diener, ever heard of him?
Isiah: No
Larry: Either have I, but he runs the point in Indiana now. Drafted him at some point, I don't remember when. That's been our draft strategy of late, draft players no ones heard of and then nobody can be disappointed.
Dolan: Wait, we worked hard for our pick this year! I mean, uh, well, we tried to wor--well it just seems like an important pick. Too important to draft a tree.
Larry: I personally think that's a phenomenal decision. I would try and follow your footsteps, but the Pacers are moving in a new direction. We don't seem to be good at playing basketball anymore, so, well, we're turning the Pacers into a Fight Club.
Isiah: Now see that's a good idea. That's great, I mean I can't remember the Pacers being relevant since that night Artest punched the guy in the second row. See that's a GM for you. You're thinking outside the box Legend.
Larry: Yeah, we've got some real strict rules though, so don't tell anyone I told you. Gonna try and get Artest back and bring Bill Laimbeer out of retirement. Like our new slogan says "If you can't beat'em on the basketball court, beat'em in the parking lot on the way out." Or even in the stands cause we've really been struggling with a way to get the fans back involved.
Isiah: Nothing like a fist fight to get the people to start caring again. That's always been New York fan's motto.
Dolan: Bartender get me a bottle of Chivas and a funnel!
Isiah: You know I called Michael Jordan the other day to see who the Bobcats were gonna draft and he said something interesting. They don't even have a draft strategy, they just take the whoever is on the cover of Sports Illustrated at the beginning of college basketball season or the best available UNC undergrad.
Larry: So that's why they took Adam Morrison 3rd overall last year.
Isiah: They said he was the next you Larry.
Larry: Yeah, he's the white version of Larry Bird.
Isiah: You're white Larry.
Larry: But I didn't play like it. Plus I could rebound, run the floor, create space, pass, shoot the ball at better than 38%…
Dolan: And your mustache only made you look vaguely like a sexual predator.
Larry: Yessir.
Isiah: I think we picked Renaldo Balkman by pulling his name out of a hat.
Larry: We drafted Shawne Williams that draft.
Isiah: Who?
Larry: Exactly!
Dolan: Bartender bring me a gas can and a plastic bag to put over my head.
Isiah: I dunno Larry, maybe we're doing something wrong here. Maybe, we'd be better off just fishing or playing golf somewhere.
Larry: And just walk away from being a part of professional basketball?
Dolan: Impossible, you aren't a part of professional basketball because you don't play in the Western Conference.
Larry: Maybe it's just best if former NBA players just stay off the benches and out of the front office.
Isiah: I'll call Jordan and tell him if you call McHale.
Larry: Maybe we should all get a show on the NBA network?
Isiah: What about that high school girls team that's lost like all it's games the past few years. I mean that has to be the perfect situation for someone like me cause they're used to losing.
Dolan: Barkeep, as much crack as you can fit into a highball glass and a pack of matches.
Isaiah: Ahh, who am I kidding. I've got a great job! The owner still wants me around, right Jim?
Dolan: Yeah, but Donnie Walsh might not.
Isiah: Should I be worried? Maybe saving my money?
Dolan: I wouldn't buy any shoes that were more than the new Starbury's.
Isiah: Ha! I hate that guy. Spending $15 bucks on an over the hill shoes is still too much for me. That'd be a horrible financial mistake.
Dolan: You should be used to that by now…Check Please!
Dusty Baker's dog dies of exhaustion after Dusty forgets to put him on a fetch count
Blue Monkey Disco Party has an exclusive story breaking out of Cincinnati today. It seems that the big news for the Big Red Machine this spring training doesn't pertain to phenom Jay Bruce manning center field or Joey Votto's defense at first base, but lies in the untimely passing of Dusty Bakers beloved dog Cubbie, a golden retriever who was a mere 3 years old when he succumbed to heart failure.
It seems that the Red's new manager had been training his pup for next year'S Purina Dog Challenge, but accidentally left a tennis ball machine on in his backyard over the weekend and the poor Golden retriever fetched and fetched until his little heart exploded after chasing what animal rescue workers believe to be well over 15,000 tennis balls.
When interviewed Baker spoke incredulously about the situation.
"I don't understand it. He should have been able to fetch that many tennis balls. I don't care what the so called 'experts' say about how much strain a golden retriever can handle. I've always thrown him 5000 balls a day and even knowing what I do now, would continue to throw him at least 5000 balls a day because that's what he liked and that's what it took for him to win. After games I used to make Kerry Wood come over and throw about 300 tennis balls as far as he could to help train the dog for the physical demands of a competition as excruciating as the PDC."
Apparently, Cubbie was gonna be a winner come hell or a Chicago championship, even if they came at the same time and were accompanied by the soundtrack of dislocating shoulders.
When asked if he thought that 5000 balls was maybe too much strain on such a young dog, Dusty simply replied "No, there is no evidence to suggest that. Show me the evidence. I don't believe in fetch counts. Never have, never will. Like I always told Cubbie, leave the fetch counts for the bitches in the poodle division. "
When a reporter remarked that the evidence lay in the fact that the dog basically excercised itself to death, Dusty became visibly upset and was remarkably angry with his reply.
"What do you know, you're not a veterinarian! Are you some sort of dog expert? No, you're a sports reporter. What would you know about dogs then? That's like a doctor telling me that pitchers arm is being over-used. I mean he's a doctor, where the hell does he get off telling me to do my job. He doesn't know baseball, he knows doctoring! I don't tell him how to perform Tommy John Surgery and he shouldn't decide when I should take my pitchers out of the game. It's that simple. He sticks with the scalpel and I'll stick to the bats!"
PETA is openly fuming after hearing of Cubbie's demise. They feel that this whole ordeal could have been bypassed if Dusty would have just listened to the dog's veterinarian and shown the common sense to put his dog on a fetch count like any rational pet owner would.
A rep for PETA exclaimed, "This is totally uncalled for. This could have been avoided if the man would have just listened to the people around him and showed a little caution. But no, he had to leave the machine on and just let it ride. And all for what? A years supply of Kibble and Bits? A spot in the prestigious Circle of Champions? Puppies need to be free to roam the green pastures of far off farms, to feel the wind on their paws and only fetch a Frisbee when they truly want to! BORN FREE, AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS…"
No word if the training was actually because the pup was in the mix for the center field job in Cincinnati, but word is that he was already hitting better than Norris Hopper, which was impressive given he had no arms and a slight astigmatism in his dominant eye.
A small memorial service will be held this Saturday in The Baker's backyard where the dog will be laid to rest in a small plot next to Mark Prior's labrum and Nefi Perez's career batting average. A Chicago fan who was close to the dog agreed that he was in now in a much better place and so too was Baker. When asked to elaborate he said of the former Cubs manager, "Better there, than here."
Touché my friend, touché indeed, for all Cubbies go to heaven, even though their former managers could certainly do the opposite.
It seems that the Red's new manager had been training his pup for next year'S Purina Dog Challenge, but accidentally left a tennis ball machine on in his backyard over the weekend and the poor Golden retriever fetched and fetched until his little heart exploded after chasing what animal rescue workers believe to be well over 15,000 tennis balls.
When interviewed Baker spoke incredulously about the situation.
"I don't understand it. He should have been able to fetch that many tennis balls. I don't care what the so called 'experts' say about how much strain a golden retriever can handle. I've always thrown him 5000 balls a day and even knowing what I do now, would continue to throw him at least 5000 balls a day because that's what he liked and that's what it took for him to win. After games I used to make Kerry Wood come over and throw about 300 tennis balls as far as he could to help train the dog for the physical demands of a competition as excruciating as the PDC."
Apparently, Cubbie was gonna be a winner come hell or a Chicago championship, even if they came at the same time and were accompanied by the soundtrack of dislocating shoulders.
When asked if he thought that 5000 balls was maybe too much strain on such a young dog, Dusty simply replied "No, there is no evidence to suggest that. Show me the evidence. I don't believe in fetch counts. Never have, never will. Like I always told Cubbie, leave the fetch counts for the bitches in the poodle division. "
When a reporter remarked that the evidence lay in the fact that the dog basically excercised itself to death, Dusty became visibly upset and was remarkably angry with his reply.
"What do you know, you're not a veterinarian! Are you some sort of dog expert? No, you're a sports reporter. What would you know about dogs then? That's like a doctor telling me that pitchers arm is being over-used. I mean he's a doctor, where the hell does he get off telling me to do my job. He doesn't know baseball, he knows doctoring! I don't tell him how to perform Tommy John Surgery and he shouldn't decide when I should take my pitchers out of the game. It's that simple. He sticks with the scalpel and I'll stick to the bats!"
PETA is openly fuming after hearing of Cubbie's demise. They feel that this whole ordeal could have been bypassed if Dusty would have just listened to the dog's veterinarian and shown the common sense to put his dog on a fetch count like any rational pet owner would.
A rep for PETA exclaimed, "This is totally uncalled for. This could have been avoided if the man would have just listened to the people around him and showed a little caution. But no, he had to leave the machine on and just let it ride. And all for what? A years supply of Kibble and Bits? A spot in the prestigious Circle of Champions? Puppies need to be free to roam the green pastures of far off farms, to feel the wind on their paws and only fetch a Frisbee when they truly want to! BORN FREE, AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS…"
No word if the training was actually because the pup was in the mix for the center field job in Cincinnati, but word is that he was already hitting better than Norris Hopper, which was impressive given he had no arms and a slight astigmatism in his dominant eye.
A small memorial service will be held this Saturday in The Baker's backyard where the dog will be laid to rest in a small plot next to Mark Prior's labrum and Nefi Perez's career batting average. A Chicago fan who was close to the dog agreed that he was in now in a much better place and so too was Baker. When asked to elaborate he said of the former Cubs manager, "Better there, than here."
Touché my friend, touché indeed, for all Cubbies go to heaven, even though their former managers could certainly do the opposite.
Air Bud busted for steroid use
Beverly Hills, CA - I.M.D.B.'s plot analysis for the Disney Film Air Bud: Golden Receiver is as simple as the "Story of a golden retriever who can play football," however today's allegations could change that plot line forever.
A new athlete was indicted today for the alleged use of Human Growth Hormone, as former Maine Senator and Disney Chairman George Mitchell added professional athlete and former employee Buddy the Dog AKA "Air Bud" to the growing list of athletes under investigation for using performance enhancing drugs to meet the ever evolving demand for bigger faster and stronger athletes in today's world of professional sports.
When tried to reach for comment yesterday, Bud could not be reached. Some say it's because he wants to put his sordid past behind him while others say it's because he has no opposable thumb and that makes it difficult for him to answer a touch tone telephone. In any case, when Bud or Buddy (to those close to him) was first questioned on a walk in Beverly Hills this morning, he seemingly ignored the barrage of reporters questions and treated the walk as if it were any normal day. When asked by a reporter from Fox News if he felt he had tainted the sports of basketball, baseball, volleyball football and soccer, Bud stared down the reporter barked loudly and then promptly defecated on his shoes.
Many remember Bud as Barbara Walters 2nd most fascinating animal of 2000 after his athletically dazzling performance in his second film endeavor Air Bud Golden Receiver. He was honored along with animal stars Beethoven, Dr. Zeus and Sigfried and Roy's white Bengal tiger (it's not the one your thinking of).
A source close to Bud who wanted to remain anonymous was reported to have helped Bud gain access to performance enhancing drugs by introducing his client to BALCO President Victor Conte, but confesses that he never thought things would escalate to the level that they did.
"Come on, they wanted bud to do all his own stunts. We had an agreement that it wouldn't get out of hand, but when the money started rolling in and the pressure really started to build…well, let's just say that shaking paws just doesn't mean what is used to in Hollywood."
As a father of an entire puppy soccer team (footy for all who aren't yanks) the question begs if Bud could have possibly tainted the entire canine professional soccer community? however, when questioned by reporters about his feelings on the alleged scandal Barry Bonds said he was disgusted and when told about the possibility the canine clear being administered to a group of young pups he reportedly had this to say:
"As far as I'm concerned giving children Human Growth Hormone to children or dogs is bad. I am against that. I know from personal experience that sort of high is bad on the body and can really wear on a person's nerves, so I can't imagine the havoc it would wreak on a 30 lbs golden retriever! And what the hell is a soccer? Is that some kind of made up sport? I'm not too familiar, so it must be one of those European sports like that croquet or that pansy ass baseball they play in England…hold on, did I just admit to using steroids…"
Some say that the death of dear friend and esteemed animal actor Benji is what sent bud over the edge. Others claim that the strain of always being in the public eye, trying to raise 10 puppies and all the while trying to stay in peak athletic condition was just to much for one dog to handle.
Bud's former manager was angry when questioned on the scandal and chastised the media for being overbearing. "Oh sure blame my client for being an animal that wants to perform at his highest level for his millions of adoring fans. Go ahead and blame him for wanting to give an audience their money's worth! But don't sit here and judge Buddy because my client had to be at peak athletic condition. He had to jump over an entire f@#%ing football team in ONE TAKE! Can you imagine the strain that puts on a dog's body!?! No, you can't, so why doesn't every body just back off and go interview those dogs from Mike Vicks house, huh? People paid 8.50 to see Rob Schneider pretend to be an animal for an hour and a half. My client is a better athlete and a better actor than Rob Schneider. So I ask you, who's the real criminal here?"
When reporters questioned Atlanta Falcon's quarterback Mike Vick if he had ever administered performance enhancing drugs to his dogs at Bad Newz Kennels, Vick said "I don't know, I never been dog fighting in my life. You gonna have to ask Ron Mexico about that sh**."
While it is unclear whether these allegations will hold up under baseball's new collective bargaining agreement, a statement released by Bud's attorney S.L. Goldman implied his client didn't do so much as pee on a carpet during the filming of the 5 picture franchise. Goldman claimed that the situation was a large misunderstanding and his client was innocent of all charges.
However, this afternoon the case turned ugly when Bud was being questioned by investigators at his plush three story dog house in Beverly Hills when suddenly things turned violent as Bud lunged at an officer, growled viciously at a reporter from Cat Fancy Magazine and quickly escaped the scene when he lept over a 9 foot electrical fence in just one bound, a sad ending to a tragic turn of events. After a two hour search Animal Rescuers were finally able to apprehend the suspect by "trank gunning the hell" out of the former actor while he was urinating on a fire hydrant just a few blocks from his current residence which was ironically the same way Robert Downey Jr. was arrested on drug charges back in 1999.
For a dog who lept into our hearts as quickly as he lept over a 9 foot retaining fence, we all wish Bud a speedy and full recovery. However, it looks to be another sad end to a once pristine Hollywood career.
A new athlete was indicted today for the alleged use of Human Growth Hormone, as former Maine Senator and Disney Chairman George Mitchell added professional athlete and former employee Buddy the Dog AKA "Air Bud" to the growing list of athletes under investigation for using performance enhancing drugs to meet the ever evolving demand for bigger faster and stronger athletes in today's world of professional sports.
When tried to reach for comment yesterday, Bud could not be reached. Some say it's because he wants to put his sordid past behind him while others say it's because he has no opposable thumb and that makes it difficult for him to answer a touch tone telephone. In any case, when Bud or Buddy (to those close to him) was first questioned on a walk in Beverly Hills this morning, he seemingly ignored the barrage of reporters questions and treated the walk as if it were any normal day. When asked by a reporter from Fox News if he felt he had tainted the sports of basketball, baseball, volleyball football and soccer, Bud stared down the reporter barked loudly and then promptly defecated on his shoes.
Many remember Bud as Barbara Walters 2nd most fascinating animal of 2000 after his athletically dazzling performance in his second film endeavor Air Bud Golden Receiver. He was honored along with animal stars Beethoven, Dr. Zeus and Sigfried and Roy's white Bengal tiger (it's not the one your thinking of).
A source close to Bud who wanted to remain anonymous was reported to have helped Bud gain access to performance enhancing drugs by introducing his client to BALCO President Victor Conte, but confesses that he never thought things would escalate to the level that they did.
"Come on, they wanted bud to do all his own stunts. We had an agreement that it wouldn't get out of hand, but when the money started rolling in and the pressure really started to build…well, let's just say that shaking paws just doesn't mean what is used to in Hollywood."
As a father of an entire puppy soccer team (footy for all who aren't yanks) the question begs if Bud could have possibly tainted the entire canine professional soccer community? however, when questioned by reporters about his feelings on the alleged scandal Barry Bonds said he was disgusted and when told about the possibility the canine clear being administered to a group of young pups he reportedly had this to say:
"As far as I'm concerned giving children Human Growth Hormone to children or dogs is bad. I am against that. I know from personal experience that sort of high is bad on the body and can really wear on a person's nerves, so I can't imagine the havoc it would wreak on a 30 lbs golden retriever! And what the hell is a soccer? Is that some kind of made up sport? I'm not too familiar, so it must be one of those European sports like that croquet or that pansy ass baseball they play in England…hold on, did I just admit to using steroids…"
Some say that the death of dear friend and esteemed animal actor Benji is what sent bud over the edge. Others claim that the strain of always being in the public eye, trying to raise 10 puppies and all the while trying to stay in peak athletic condition was just to much for one dog to handle.
Bud's former manager was angry when questioned on the scandal and chastised the media for being overbearing. "Oh sure blame my client for being an animal that wants to perform at his highest level for his millions of adoring fans. Go ahead and blame him for wanting to give an audience their money's worth! But don't sit here and judge Buddy because my client had to be at peak athletic condition. He had to jump over an entire f@#%ing football team in ONE TAKE! Can you imagine the strain that puts on a dog's body!?! No, you can't, so why doesn't every body just back off and go interview those dogs from Mike Vicks house, huh? People paid 8.50 to see Rob Schneider pretend to be an animal for an hour and a half. My client is a better athlete and a better actor than Rob Schneider. So I ask you, who's the real criminal here?"
When reporters questioned Atlanta Falcon's quarterback Mike Vick if he had ever administered performance enhancing drugs to his dogs at Bad Newz Kennels, Vick said "I don't know, I never been dog fighting in my life. You gonna have to ask Ron Mexico about that sh**."
While it is unclear whether these allegations will hold up under baseball's new collective bargaining agreement, a statement released by Bud's attorney S.L. Goldman implied his client didn't do so much as pee on a carpet during the filming of the 5 picture franchise. Goldman claimed that the situation was a large misunderstanding and his client was innocent of all charges.
However, this afternoon the case turned ugly when Bud was being questioned by investigators at his plush three story dog house in Beverly Hills when suddenly things turned violent as Bud lunged at an officer, growled viciously at a reporter from Cat Fancy Magazine and quickly escaped the scene when he lept over a 9 foot electrical fence in just one bound, a sad ending to a tragic turn of events. After a two hour search Animal Rescuers were finally able to apprehend the suspect by "trank gunning the hell" out of the former actor while he was urinating on a fire hydrant just a few blocks from his current residence which was ironically the same way Robert Downey Jr. was arrested on drug charges back in 1999.
For a dog who lept into our hearts as quickly as he lept over a 9 foot retaining fence, we all wish Bud a speedy and full recovery. However, it looks to be another sad end to a once pristine Hollywood career.
WIll Ferrell signs with the New York Knicks
In the wake of a crazy NBA trade deadline some teams have been pushed to drastic measures. The Lakers, Suns and Mavs all made huge changes to their lineups to try and make a push for an ring. Even though they aren't in the Western Conference and have virtually no shot at making a play-off push, Isiah Thomas and the Knicks were not to be outdone. In constant struggle with their angry fan base and the brutal New York media, the Knicks, who are never ones to shy away from making bad personnel and financial decisions made a huge acquisition today when they signed film star Will Ferrell to a $20 million dollar a game contract.
We at the Blue Monkey Disco Party got the tape of the phone conversation that led to the signing. Here is how it all went down.
Isiah Thomas: (ringing ringing) Hello…
Will: "Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
Isiah: Nope not Wilt Chamberlain, you're close though, it's Isiah Thomas. You know, former Pistons great and current coach of the New York Knicks.
Will: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Isiah: Actually, we've kinda been in last place for, well for as long as I've been apart of the team.
Will: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Isiah: Well, it's not like I'm doing it on purpose Will, I mean, I brought in a lot of players, it just seems like none of them play team basketball or are motivated. I mean they were all All-Star caliber players, albeit in 1999. Jesus, Will I'm doing the best I can over here.
Will: You sit on a throne of lies.
Isiah: No! I'm trying to get these guys in line. We are struggling Will, we need you're help. I need to make a big move so that I can regain some credibility as an NBA coach.
Will: You're a fake.
Isiah: Now you're sounding like the New York media. Look Will, I saw your movie Semi Pro--OK I saw the trailer for your movie Semi-Pro and I think you've got some talent, I think that you would make a solid Knick shooting guard and trust me I should know, I brought in Steve Francis…
Will: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
Isiah: I know, it's gotten to the point where I don't even know what' going on anymore. Stephon won't play in his $10 shoes, Zach Randolph wants to play point guard and I don't even know where Renaldo Balkman came from. I think he just got on our bus one day and we gave him a uniform I CAN'T CONTROL THIS TEAM!
Will: What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league.
Isiah: I hear that a lot these days. Look, we need to salvage this season, we started out a putrid 15-37.
Will: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Isiah: We play like we don't care and nobody on the team works hard anymore. We roll over and die anytime we're down more than 8 and we basically play basketball like the French Army fights.
Will: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
Isiah: I know, I'm just remarking we play like a bunch of pansy assed babies. Just hold on for one second, let me get some guys on the phone to try ad convince you (puts Will on hold)
5 minutes go by…
Will: Where are you, Pepe Le Bitch?
2 more minutes go by
Isiah: Hey Will, I'm back. Sorry about the wait, I had to track someone down. Check it out, I got Eddy Curry on the line. He was down at IHOP destroying the all you can eat crepes special.
Will: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?
Isiah: I'm sorry just hear me out, we really want you to be a Knick Will. Talk to Eddy, maybe he'll help you make your decision.
Will: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Eddy: Yo, Will what's up man, sorry it took so long, but nothing is more important to me than eating. Nothing! When I go to IHOP for the all you can eat crepes, I mean, it's on for real!
Will: Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?
Eddy: You know it. You won't believe this, but I just at Nate Robinson's weight in crepes.
Will: Oh, my god, I love those.
Eddy: Marbury left, he said I was an embarassment to the Knicks and an atrocity to professional sports players everywhere. EVEN soccer players.
Will: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.
Eddy: I should probably be exercising instead of annihilating every restaurant in a five borough area or I'm gonna end up as bloated as my contract. But what else could I be doing?
Will: Trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time.
Eddy: Shit man, I could eat pancakes till I exploded. I could die eating pancakes and be the happiest man in the world.
Will: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?
Eddy: Me! Here' talk to Zach Randolph for a second while I order my 5th Ruti-Tuti-Fresh and Fruity
Zach: Hello, is this Will Ferrell? Funniest guy on the planet?
Will: If you ain't first, you're last!
Zach: Damn man, I love your movies. You gotta lace up and play with us Will, we need you man. You gotta do it man. Don't be the Mayor of Pussytown.
Will: I don't want to be the Mayor of Pussytown!
Zach: Good man. Look what are you doing tomorrow?
Will: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
Zach: Look, I'm throwing a little party tomorrow night at my place. If you get the time you should drop by. It's gonna be off the hook.
Will: From dusk 'til dawn. You, sir, are a party animal!
Zach: Bring your throw down clothes ha ha, last time things got a little heated. I had to straighten some shit out with a guest of mine.
Will: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
Zach: Yeah, well that's personal business so I'll take care of that. Yo man sign the contract and come play with us dawg. We're gonna win a championship here…
(laughing in the background)
Zach: Uh oh, Curry is going into diabetic shock. Gotta run. Later Will.
(hangs up)
Isiah: We need you Will. Come back to New York, come back to the Garden and we'll make you an even bigger star. Think about it, pro basketball player, actor, comedian. We have big parades, Times Square, Broadway…
Will: Broadway! I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland!
Isiah: ...Fashion week…
Will: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
Isiah: That's the spirit. We want to bring home a championship to the Big Apple and we think with you as our shooting guard, we can do just that.
Will: You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy.
Isiah: I'm not crazy. Winning a championship is in the cards here, but we need your skills to do it.
Will: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary.
Isiah: We just need to go on a huge win streak and jump up a few spots in the playoff race. The East is wide open this year. We need some wins and quick! We need a winning streak!
Will: We're going streaking!
Isiah: I'm tired of always reeking of failure and defeat.
Will: It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils.
Isiah: Are you READY! You ready for this you curly froed bastard!
Will: I'm a big hairy American winning machine!
Isiah: YOU ARE!
Will: My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
Isiah: Are you kidding? I played for Bobby Knight! But don't worry, I'm not half as good a coach or half as crazy.I'm not like that either. Everything is gonna be great. Promise.
Will: We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...
Isiah: Join the Knicks and help us return to excellence Will.
Will: Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Isiah: That's right buddy. Now I got a contract in my hand Will Ferrell. Are you gonna sign this baby!?!?
Will: I'd be happy to sign your baby.
Isiah: YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I'm so glad I was able to sign you, you're really saving my ass man. Back to winning!
Will: You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!
Isiah: Yeah you can coach man fine. I don't care, I saw the preview for your movie and it said you were a coach, so yeah I mean, you can't be worse than me.
Will: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore.
Isiah: I know "winning" isn't even in the Knicks vocabulary anymore. It's so bad Will (sniff) I can't go anywhere anymore without people laughing at me or cursing at me and sometimes they even throw garbage at me
Will: They're just showing their appreciation.
Isiah: I just can't seem to win, maybe I just suck as a coach. I don't know what to do (breaks down crying)
Will: Don't get emotional...
Isiah: It's so hard, I didn't know it would be this hard
Will: When it's over...
Isiah: Champions?
Will: Champions!
Isiah: Sniff... I gotta say I love the enthusiasm .Will, we are now part a team that will bring a franchise back to prominence. We gotta hit the town and celebrate!
Will: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable.
Isiah: Excellent idea. Where at?
Will: How 'bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee's?
Isiah: Will have you been drinking today?
Will: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
Isiah: I can't say that I blame you man, I mean, you just signed with the worst run team in professional sports. I'd be drinking too.
Will: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.
Isiah: Now you play for Isiah and the New York Knicks. Get used to it…
We at the Blue Monkey Disco Party got the tape of the phone conversation that led to the signing. Here is how it all went down.
Isiah Thomas: (ringing ringing) Hello…
Will: "Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
Isiah: Nope not Wilt Chamberlain, you're close though, it's Isiah Thomas. You know, former Pistons great and current coach of the New York Knicks.
Will: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Isiah: Actually, we've kinda been in last place for, well for as long as I've been apart of the team.
Will: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Isiah: Well, it's not like I'm doing it on purpose Will, I mean, I brought in a lot of players, it just seems like none of them play team basketball or are motivated. I mean they were all All-Star caliber players, albeit in 1999. Jesus, Will I'm doing the best I can over here.
Will: You sit on a throne of lies.
Isiah: No! I'm trying to get these guys in line. We are struggling Will, we need you're help. I need to make a big move so that I can regain some credibility as an NBA coach.
Will: You're a fake.
Isiah: Now you're sounding like the New York media. Look Will, I saw your movie Semi Pro--OK I saw the trailer for your movie Semi-Pro and I think you've got some talent, I think that you would make a solid Knick shooting guard and trust me I should know, I brought in Steve Francis…
Will: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
Isiah: I know, it's gotten to the point where I don't even know what' going on anymore. Stephon won't play in his $10 shoes, Zach Randolph wants to play point guard and I don't even know where Renaldo Balkman came from. I think he just got on our bus one day and we gave him a uniform I CAN'T CONTROL THIS TEAM!
Will: What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league.
Isiah: I hear that a lot these days. Look, we need to salvage this season, we started out a putrid 15-37.
Will: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Isiah: We play like we don't care and nobody on the team works hard anymore. We roll over and die anytime we're down more than 8 and we basically play basketball like the French Army fights.
Will: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
Isiah: I know, I'm just remarking we play like a bunch of pansy assed babies. Just hold on for one second, let me get some guys on the phone to try ad convince you (puts Will on hold)
5 minutes go by…
Will: Where are you, Pepe Le Bitch?
2 more minutes go by
Isiah: Hey Will, I'm back. Sorry about the wait, I had to track someone down. Check it out, I got Eddy Curry on the line. He was down at IHOP destroying the all you can eat crepes special.
Will: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?
Isiah: I'm sorry just hear me out, we really want you to be a Knick Will. Talk to Eddy, maybe he'll help you make your decision.
Will: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Eddy: Yo, Will what's up man, sorry it took so long, but nothing is more important to me than eating. Nothing! When I go to IHOP for the all you can eat crepes, I mean, it's on for real!
Will: Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?
Eddy: You know it. You won't believe this, but I just at Nate Robinson's weight in crepes.
Will: Oh, my god, I love those.
Eddy: Marbury left, he said I was an embarassment to the Knicks and an atrocity to professional sports players everywhere. EVEN soccer players.
Will: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.
Eddy: I should probably be exercising instead of annihilating every restaurant in a five borough area or I'm gonna end up as bloated as my contract. But what else could I be doing?
Will: Trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time.
Eddy: Shit man, I could eat pancakes till I exploded. I could die eating pancakes and be the happiest man in the world.
Will: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?
Eddy: Me! Here' talk to Zach Randolph for a second while I order my 5th Ruti-Tuti-Fresh and Fruity
Zach: Hello, is this Will Ferrell? Funniest guy on the planet?
Will: If you ain't first, you're last!
Zach: Damn man, I love your movies. You gotta lace up and play with us Will, we need you man. You gotta do it man. Don't be the Mayor of Pussytown.
Will: I don't want to be the Mayor of Pussytown!
Zach: Good man. Look what are you doing tomorrow?
Will: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
Zach: Look, I'm throwing a little party tomorrow night at my place. If you get the time you should drop by. It's gonna be off the hook.
Will: From dusk 'til dawn. You, sir, are a party animal!
Zach: Bring your throw down clothes ha ha, last time things got a little heated. I had to straighten some shit out with a guest of mine.
Will: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
Zach: Yeah, well that's personal business so I'll take care of that. Yo man sign the contract and come play with us dawg. We're gonna win a championship here…
(laughing in the background)
Zach: Uh oh, Curry is going into diabetic shock. Gotta run. Later Will.
(hangs up)
Isiah: We need you Will. Come back to New York, come back to the Garden and we'll make you an even bigger star. Think about it, pro basketball player, actor, comedian. We have big parades, Times Square, Broadway…
Will: Broadway! I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland!
Isiah: ...Fashion week…
Will: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
Isiah: That's the spirit. We want to bring home a championship to the Big Apple and we think with you as our shooting guard, we can do just that.
Will: You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy.
Isiah: I'm not crazy. Winning a championship is in the cards here, but we need your skills to do it.
Will: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary.
Isiah: We just need to go on a huge win streak and jump up a few spots in the playoff race. The East is wide open this year. We need some wins and quick! We need a winning streak!
Will: We're going streaking!
Isiah: I'm tired of always reeking of failure and defeat.
Will: It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils.
Isiah: Are you READY! You ready for this you curly froed bastard!
Will: I'm a big hairy American winning machine!
Isiah: YOU ARE!
Will: My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
Isiah: Are you kidding? I played for Bobby Knight! But don't worry, I'm not half as good a coach or half as crazy.I'm not like that either. Everything is gonna be great. Promise.
Will: We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...
Isiah: Join the Knicks and help us return to excellence Will.
Will: Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Isiah: That's right buddy. Now I got a contract in my hand Will Ferrell. Are you gonna sign this baby!?!?
Will: I'd be happy to sign your baby.
Isiah: YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I'm so glad I was able to sign you, you're really saving my ass man. Back to winning!
Will: You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!
Isiah: Yeah you can coach man fine. I don't care, I saw the preview for your movie and it said you were a coach, so yeah I mean, you can't be worse than me.
Will: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore.
Isiah: I know "winning" isn't even in the Knicks vocabulary anymore. It's so bad Will (sniff) I can't go anywhere anymore without people laughing at me or cursing at me and sometimes they even throw garbage at me
Will: They're just showing their appreciation.
Isiah: I just can't seem to win, maybe I just suck as a coach. I don't know what to do (breaks down crying)
Will: Don't get emotional...
Isiah: It's so hard, I didn't know it would be this hard
Will: When it's over...
Isiah: Champions?
Will: Champions!
Isiah: Sniff... I gotta say I love the enthusiasm .Will, we are now part a team that will bring a franchise back to prominence. We gotta hit the town and celebrate!
Will: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable.
Isiah: Excellent idea. Where at?
Will: How 'bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee's?
Isiah: Will have you been drinking today?
Will: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
Isiah: I can't say that I blame you man, I mean, you just signed with the worst run team in professional sports. I'd be drinking too.
Will: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.
Isiah: Now you play for Isiah and the New York Knicks. Get used to it…
Ten other things on the infamous 'Spygate' tapes...
It is reported that Matt Walsh a former Patriots employee could be in possession of vital video evidence against the New England Patriots pertaining to the Spygate controversy that may include a video tape of the St. Louis Ram's final walk through from right before the 2002 Super Bowl. Sen. Arlen Specter is intrigued to know what information Walsh may have on the many swirling rumors of Patriot signal stealing or if he has any physical evidence that may help break open an ongoing investigation by himself and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
However, Goodell has acted very odd in the proceedings and faced harsh criticism for allegedly destroying much of the evidence in the controversy that included up to six video tapes and some of Bill Belichick's notes related to whatever was on the videos. Now everyone involved from Senators to fans want to know what the former Pats employee knows, but Walsh isn't doing much talking. Luckily, Blue Monkey Disco Party has an inside source in New England and he has told us what was really on the tapes the NFL destroyed.
Junior Seau's audition tape for Dancing With the Stars
What better way for a superstar NFLer to fill his time in retirement with a chance to make a complete ass of himself on national television by practicing ballroom dancing with some 90 lb Tisch School of the Arts graduate that he could probably bench press 50 times or kill with just his index and pinky fingers? I mean it's not often that a pro athlete gets to go head to head in an ultra-competitive completion with the likes of entertainment juggernauts Drew Lachey and Joey Lawrence. Marie Osmond, you haven't felt the real pain of dance until you've been hit by Junior Seau's impersonation of the "Lights Out Sack Dance."
The tape shows Seau practicing his salsa moves with one of the Patriots tackling dummies and also preparing for the final round by secretly trying to perfect "The Icky Shuffle." But, nobody could do the shuffle like Icky could, so Seau is said to be brushing up on "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and may even go so far as to breakout a classic with "The Dirty Bird." Look out Emmitt Smith cause Seau is coming up from behind to rumba you right out of the building...
Mercury Morris' Housewarming video
There he was on his porch with his tuxedo and his bride with a bottle of bubbly and a crazy ass smile on his face. He even took time of from his illustrious weekly golf regiment to help set up a victory parade that only undefeated professional athletes would be invited to that including Karrem Abdul-Jabbar, Tommy Frazier, The Dream Team, John Wooden, Tom Osborne, Bill Walton, Bobby Knight, Don Shula, Deep Blue, Floyd Mayweather Jr and Burt Reynolds for his work in The Longest Yard.
When the Pats failed to defeat the Giants in the Super Bowl apparently Morris put his 5 iron to good use by using it to tear down all the "Welcome to The Club. Welcome to History" banners that were lining HIS neighborhood. Even though he was upset he did all that work for diddly squat, he was said to be happy to have new golfing companions in the now archaic New England linebacker corp. After almost becoming a "Perfectionist" himself this season, next years first tee-time won't be the first time that Mike Vrabel has heard "Noonan…MISS IT!!!!" from a member of the 72' Dolphins.
At least 5 Cincinnati Bengals being led away in handcuffs during games
Apparently charges ranged from A.J. Nicholson trying to steal one of CBS's sideline cameras and a par of Chad Johnson's gold teeth, to Chris Henry being found on the field high as a kite, hitting on some females from a local high school band who were there to perform at halftime and found by a referee to be in possession of an unregistered firearm after catching an 8 yard slant. .Apparently there was also a roulette wheel behind the Gatorade and rumors of an offshore gambling account that could end up being proof to why Cinci had such a horrendous 2007 campaign.
The Bengals have taken steps to nip their legal problems in the bud by encasing their stadium in metal bars while beefing up security and making it mandatory for players to stay there during the regular season and God willing the 2008 play-offs. It'll be just like prison except with less weight lifting and only a limited fear of dropping the soap.
Elijah Spielmann's Bahmitvah
We don't know why this was on there. Is this kids some sort of player prospect that Bellicheck is watching? Is he some sort of athletic numbers wizard? Will he some day become some sort of coaching threat to the Patriot Reign? Or is this just someone forgetting to change the tape in the team's video camera. We may never know, but Mazeltov little buddy.
Christopher Llyod' s audition tape to play Eli Manning in a made for TV movie
Everyone of course knows that Peyton Manning has that sad Peyton face that he delivers right after delivering a game losing INT to the other team. But Eli has a very distinct look when he plays badly. Hands on his hips while his mouth gapes open like he's just had something heavy dropped on his head. A look eerily simila to a kid in Little League who gives up a gopher ball in the 9th inning of the championship game when everyone in a ten mile radius knew the fastball was coming and yet he went fastball anyway, yet still looks dumbfounded that things have once again transpired against him. It's sort of a cross between Corky from Life Goes On and Reverend Jim Ignatowski from Taxi. That's why Christopher Llyod will be hitting the gym and suiting up for "I'll still never be as good as Peyton: The Eli Manning Story."
A Pats assistant stealing Adam Vinatieri's shoes before the 2007 AFC Championship game
The former New England kicker with ice water in his veins led the anything to win Patriots into the Colts locker room before the game to try and stop the NFL's most clutch kicker the only way they knew how...by stealing his Nikes. The assistant was wired, but stole the wrong shoes because he could not hear the instructions properly over a deafeningly odd sound coming out of nearby speakers.
Tiki Barber's sincerest apology to the New York Football Giants
Tiki Tiki Tiki…Feeling like he was forced out of his pads and into an Armani suit and onto every conceivable media outlet made Tiki drop the ball once again in terms of going out on top. Tiki was criticized after retiring last season in what many believed to be the prime of his career. The once understated and classy Barber proceeded to take the few months after retirement to blitzkrieg the media circuit in order to completely berate and embarrass his ex-teammate Eli Manning while also taking every opportunity to undermine and whine about his former coach Tom Coughlin.
Well, after the Giants victory Tiki would like to go on record as saying he may have been wrong. He is very sorry. He said he suffers from a medical condition known as "Strahan's Gap" which is a serious medical condition that causes football players in the twilight of their careers to incessantly ramble on about how important they are to a team while seemingly lying through their teeth. In a heartfelt confession of guilt Tiki knows he was wrong to question the Giants organization and Manning's leadership abilities . Barber would like to leave the "Barber Shop" to make amends and heal his "Strahan's Gap" with the only known cure…a new contract for next year. The terms of which will be determined after sitting out of training camp of course. So New Jersey get out your torches and flock to the streets because Tiki is sorry and he wants to suit up for the G-Men again next year.
Video of Bill Romonowski doing steroids on the sideline during a Pats- Broncos game
Yep, there he is the on the sidelines tying off with the chinstrap of Drew Bledsoe, syringe in hand and an insane menacing gaze on his face. Then coincidentally there is the video of him in the parking lot after the game suffering from a severe case of roid rage after misplacing his car keys. In the later video he si shown to spit on a parking attendant then throw a child through the windshield of his Mercedes.
In Romo's defense, it was his own little girl that he threw and she seemed to be OK after the incident. Romo then told the dazed girl as lovingly and softly as he possibly could "I'LL TAKE YOU OUT FOR ICE CREAM! DON'T TELL YOUR MOM!" No word on whether the little girl suffered any long term repercussions from the incident, but word is that they now refer to the child as "Big Ben."
A five minute montage of the various injuries Drew Bledsoe sustained during his time in the NFL. Most notably with the Patriots
Apparently it's a 5 minute amazing tribute to the man that ran in cement shoes set to ELO's "Don't Bring Me Down" in the background. Just five minutes of bone crushing hits by linebackers and defensive ends on the agility impaired QB. We've heard it plays out like a Discovery Channel show where the lion goes after the wounded gazelle and everyone can see what's coming, yet we are all somehow inclined to watch anyway. Whether it be the broken finger on his throwing hand, no doubt multiple concussions and the only person to ever be listed on an injury reports as suffering from "internal bleeding," Bledsoe managed to make being painfully slow a slowly painful art. We here at The Party only wish we were privy to the video as we are doing a study on NFL quarterback injuries and messing around with math theories about the speed of LB's as they correlate to a QB's speed which we refer to as The Bledsoe Theorem and the other being related directly to injury reports called The McNair Quandary.
Peyton Manning's SNL episode
We think it's because Tom Brady is secretly jealous at what "a big ham," Peyton is and probably watched the show like he would game film to try and best him after the writers come back. Will we see a Tom Brady line of walking boots sketch in the future? Only time will tell.
Explanation for Tom Brady's cast and flowers...
Everyone seems to be freaking out at Tom Brady's new fashion statement of carrying flowers and wearing a walking cast on his foot today, but we at The Party have found that Brady a perfectly good explanation for this week's behavior. It seems the boot is from kicking almost every team in the NFL's ass this year and the flowers are just one bouquet of many that are going to various NFL front offices and certain players that have met their demise at the hands of Brady and the New England Patriots this season. It seems that all the kicking ass has taken it's toll on Brady's foot and the taking names, well that is what the flowers are for. Every bouquet comes with a card and this is what a few of them say…
The Packers got a heartfelt card addressed to Brett Favre that read:
Brett, it must have felt like old times on all those pain killers while you were playing in negative temperatures and not being able to feel your hands last weekend. I mean it Eli Manning winning a play-off game and advancing to the Super Bowl basically meant that you were lucky to be one of two quarterbacks who got to play in hell while it froze over. Even Tom Coughlin looked incredulous, as his face was frozen in amazement the entire game and well into Monday evening. It's not often you get to play in front of the Winter Warlock. Interception or not, I still think you are the toughest and most gutsy S.O.B. that ever picked up a football.
Come back next year,
Tom Brady
The Jets are merely got a videotape of flowers with a card that read:
Sorry we cheated, feel free to use this tape to record our victory in the Super Bowl.
Tom Brady
To Tony Romo:
Dude, you gotta start dating super models instead of singers. They're cheaper cause they eat next to nothing and you don't have to pretend to like their singing.
Bros before hos,
Tom
The Ravens got a sincere apology from Brady for the refs in their meeting in December. Mostly because Ray Lewis has been lurking around Brady's house the past month:
Ravens…sorry we paid off all those refs to win that game in early December. We had a perfect season going, I mean honestly, do you really think the NFL is going to let millions of dollars in future ad revenue go down the drain for a feel good Kyle Boller story? And could you please tell Ray Lewis to stop hanging around my neighborhood and leaving me cryptic messages on my answer machine saying "I'ma kill you dawg!" It's the refs in the NFL that fix the games not the players! I've enclosed Phil McKinnley's address, just don't tell him you got it from me.
Tom Brady
Peyton Manning got flowers with a card that read:
Sorry for breaking you TD record, I imagine you're making the sad Peyton face right now, so here's the number of a mechanic who will take a look at your laser, rocket arm. Don't worry about the cost, this one's on me buddy. On the bright side, you'll get a head start on those 600 commercials you'll film in the off season.
A Priceless Pep Talk from the NFL's Best QB,
Tom Brady
The Dolphins felt lucky just to be included in anything related to the NFL because most college teams could have beaten them this season. They received a card that read:
Miami, hey at least you guys have the weather and South Beach, right? Good luck with Parcells this year, I've always heard about "Dolphin safe tuna," so it will be interesting to see "Tuna save Dolphins." In the off-season maybe you and Ricky can go shopping for a new bong…and I heard you might play half of your games against college teams next year, hey maybe you'll be ranked in the top 25 of something football related again next year!
Tom Brady
The Raiders got kind of a confusing card:
I'm sorry for your loss, Al Davis was…very old…what? Wait, Al Davis is still alive? Then I guess these flowers are more a sorry that Al Davis is still around to destroy your franchise and run your team into the ground. Randy says hi from the end zone. Remember what an end Zone is? La zona del final.
Sinceramente,
Tom Brady
The Bills were embarrassed by the Pats this year leading to this card:
Bills, what can I say? In two games we outscored you 94 -17. Wow. Steven Wright called, he wants his blood pressure reading back . I threw more touchdowns in those two games than Trent Edwards threw all year. I'm not saying you guys need help, but bringing Jim Kelly out of retirement may not be a bad idea. Doug Flutie? Drew Bledsoe? Dude, somebody in Buffalo has got to step up before they move the team somewhere better. So basically anywhere.
Tom Brady
To the Steelers:
Heard from my buddy at the NFL Network that Big Ben Roethlisberger is hanging up the cleats and become a "rappa." Here is to hoping that the new album "All Up in Yo' Grill" is a bigger smash than the imprint you left on that old lady's Chrysler New Yorker!
Mac Dizzy Tom Briz-ady
The Giants got more of an omniscient card today that read:
Dear Giants, you guys gave us a bit of a scare there at the end that almost disrupted our perfect season. Good job guys…this will NOT happen AGAIN. For Eli, I've enclosed a tape of the Seinfeld episode they took off the air in Green Bay, as we Patriots think you should get something enjoyable to watch before you watch us systematically and painfully dismantle you in the Super Bowl.
P.S. Eli,more flowers will be sent to you after the game as I have given Richard Seymour permission to dance on your sternum.
"No Supe-rbowl for you!" LOL,
Tom Brady
What else can you say about Tom Brady? The man is a good sport and class act. He even pays his child support on time! Take a hint Shawn Kemp…
Tom Brady also dislikes...
Earlier this week, Patriot Quarterback and NFL poster child Tom Brady made some disparaging remarks about sports uber-channel ESPN and their handling of the Matt Walsh/Spygate controversy. Brady was on WEEI's Big show on Tuesday, and callously remarked that ESPN had become "Like MTV, except without the highlights."
Many reporters hit the ceiling upon hearing this news. One of the NFL's, "Do No Wrong Gang" had openly criticized not only the "World Wide Leader in Sports," but also the media outlet that broadcasts the NFL's premiere cash cow: Monday Night Football. Writers scurried to their laptops to blog the story from tiny ember into a four-alarm fire. Except for the Blue Monkey Disco Party, who decided to dig deeper into the Brady psyche. It was obvious Brady had been holding back some strong feeling about ESPN, so was their anything else the NFL's reigning MVP was angry with?
So we called and asked,"What else do you hate, Tom?"
Bill Belichick's video collection, that includes video of the St. Louis Ram's Super Bowl walk through - Just because I'm the last person the NFL would ever accuse of cheating, why do I still have to keep these tapes? I have a big house and all, but these tapes Bill gave me to hide are taking up the entire garage. Where the Hell am I supposed to keep all my ESPY Awards?
Lost - Are they on that island or not? Are they all dead? Is this flashback taking place in the past or in the future. Jesus, pick a storyline and stick with it! Stop purposely being so damn confusing. And bring back Mr. Eko while you're at it.
Miniature Ponies - If you're not gonna ride them and you're not gonna race them, what's the point?
Gas Prices - They are getting ridiculous, even for someone like me. It cost me $1200 to gas up my helicopter to fly to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show. I know you didn't't think I could get any cooler, but it is true, I date a supermodel and I can fly a helicopter and people may have said that I fly better than Magnum PI.
Honestly, gas prices are too high.
Cornerbacks - They're always hanging out next to my receivers and getting in the way of my passes. Hey ass clown, I'm not throwing to you, so get the hell out of the way. Except for the ones that cover Randy Moss. Those guys are doing a good job in my book.
Gisele not wearing the Wonder Woman costume - Come on!!! You already dated Leo DiCaprio, it's not getting any better than me baby. Now why don't we join the "Mile High Club" in that invisible jet of yours? Oh, did I mention my supermodel girlfriend owns an invisible jet? I can fly that too...
Rocky V - Seriously, does anybody really like this movie?
The Jets - I mean, come on, they're the Jets! You play in New Jersey, you'we sucked for as long as I can remember, and I once saw an 11 year old girl out throw Chad Pennington at the Punt, Pass and Kick Competition. It's really gotten ridiculous. Now is the time to hang up the cleats and get real jobs, guys. You could all go to work for the government, you f@*#ing NARCs.
Telemundo - Every time I turn this channel on, I have no idea what they are saying. It's like playing a game in Oakland, except the costumes and camera zooms don't make me seizure like the game shows on Telemundo do.
Peyton Manning Commercials - Hey, I got a Priceless Pep Talk for you Peyton- Get the hell off my TV. MasterCard, Reebok, Oreos, Sprint and DirectTV. It never ends! You just sold me on diabetes, bad credit and a terrible wireless plan. You brother was the screw up and now he's won as many Super Bowls as you. That said, maybe you should really start to think where your priorities are at.
Ohio State - WOLVERINESSSS!!!!
Canada - Mark my words…With all that unprotected border, you just know that they are gonna come down out of the hills and steal one of these NFL franchises. And I'm talking about professional football team -- not the Bills.
Jet packs - Got one last year. Couldn't get the damn thing to work. Stupid Soviets and their Cold War propaganda.
The lack of adequate Brett Favre retirement coverage - The man is a legend, and that's all the coverage I get? What? It was like 10, maybe 15 hours a day for a few weeks. You mean you couldn't find enough coverage to squeeze in another 3 hours a day? There wasn't a fews hours of those "NFL Yearbook:Green Bay Packers" footage of Favre to piece together a 3 or 4 hour tribute to the great #4? You are slacking ESPN! Truly shameful.
Cheaters - All of them…except for my genius coach, Bill Belichick.
Many reporters hit the ceiling upon hearing this news. One of the NFL's, "Do No Wrong Gang" had openly criticized not only the "World Wide Leader in Sports," but also the media outlet that broadcasts the NFL's premiere cash cow: Monday Night Football. Writers scurried to their laptops to blog the story from tiny ember into a four-alarm fire. Except for the Blue Monkey Disco Party, who decided to dig deeper into the Brady psyche. It was obvious Brady had been holding back some strong feeling about ESPN, so was their anything else the NFL's reigning MVP was angry with?
So we called and asked,"What else do you hate, Tom?"
Bill Belichick's video collection, that includes video of the St. Louis Ram's Super Bowl walk through - Just because I'm the last person the NFL would ever accuse of cheating, why do I still have to keep these tapes? I have a big house and all, but these tapes Bill gave me to hide are taking up the entire garage. Where the Hell am I supposed to keep all my ESPY Awards?
Lost - Are they on that island or not? Are they all dead? Is this flashback taking place in the past or in the future. Jesus, pick a storyline and stick with it! Stop purposely being so damn confusing. And bring back Mr. Eko while you're at it.
Miniature Ponies - If you're not gonna ride them and you're not gonna race them, what's the point?
Gas Prices - They are getting ridiculous, even for someone like me. It cost me $1200 to gas up my helicopter to fly to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show. I know you didn't't think I could get any cooler, but it is true, I date a supermodel and I can fly a helicopter and people may have said that I fly better than Magnum PI.
Honestly, gas prices are too high.
Cornerbacks - They're always hanging out next to my receivers and getting in the way of my passes. Hey ass clown, I'm not throwing to you, so get the hell out of the way. Except for the ones that cover Randy Moss. Those guys are doing a good job in my book.
Gisele not wearing the Wonder Woman costume - Come on!!! You already dated Leo DiCaprio, it's not getting any better than me baby. Now why don't we join the "Mile High Club" in that invisible jet of yours? Oh, did I mention my supermodel girlfriend owns an invisible jet? I can fly that too...
Rocky V - Seriously, does anybody really like this movie?
The Jets - I mean, come on, they're the Jets! You play in New Jersey, you'we sucked for as long as I can remember, and I once saw an 11 year old girl out throw Chad Pennington at the Punt, Pass and Kick Competition. It's really gotten ridiculous. Now is the time to hang up the cleats and get real jobs, guys. You could all go to work for the government, you f@*#ing NARCs.
Telemundo - Every time I turn this channel on, I have no idea what they are saying. It's like playing a game in Oakland, except the costumes and camera zooms don't make me seizure like the game shows on Telemundo do.
Peyton Manning Commercials - Hey, I got a Priceless Pep Talk for you Peyton- Get the hell off my TV. MasterCard, Reebok, Oreos, Sprint and DirectTV. It never ends! You just sold me on diabetes, bad credit and a terrible wireless plan. You brother was the screw up and now he's won as many Super Bowls as you. That said, maybe you should really start to think where your priorities are at.
Ohio State - WOLVERINESSSS!!!!
Canada - Mark my words…With all that unprotected border, you just know that they are gonna come down out of the hills and steal one of these NFL franchises. And I'm talking about professional football team -- not the Bills.
Jet packs - Got one last year. Couldn't get the damn thing to work. Stupid Soviets and their Cold War propaganda.
The lack of adequate Brett Favre retirement coverage - The man is a legend, and that's all the coverage I get? What? It was like 10, maybe 15 hours a day for a few weeks. You mean you couldn't find enough coverage to squeeze in another 3 hours a day? There wasn't a fews hours of those "NFL Yearbook:Green Bay Packers" footage of Favre to piece together a 3 or 4 hour tribute to the great #4? You are slacking ESPN! Truly shameful.
Cheaters - All of them…except for my genius coach, Bill Belichick.
Upper Deck Announces 'Not So Great Moments In Sports History' Limited Edition Insert Cards
Collecting baseball cards used to be a simple hobby for children who loved the sport of baseball. As a kid, you used to buy a pack of cards and hope that somewhere in side that 15 card pack was the rookie card of your favorite player, such as Jose Canseco or Bo Jackson. You'd jump for joy when you got that Ken Griffey Jr. insert card or that Ken Camanitti card that completed your set.
Well, those cards are worthless now, at least in a monetary sense. But alas, the baseball card companies have not given up hope on this generation's young card collector. In a fierce battle to gain the advantage in an ever expanding marketplace, companies such a Topps and Upper Deck have gone to great lengths to lure in potential customers with a strange and eclectic new breed of "memorabilia" cards that can have anything from pieces of your favorite players game worn jersey on them, to specialty autographed cards and now they've taken the premise even farther by offering collectors a chance to find limited edition cards that contain an autograph and strand of hair of some of the most influential individuals in America's history. This historic "Hair Cuts" set made by the Upper Deck Corporation includes cards from George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and famous Apache Indian leader Geronimo.
http://www.upperdeck.com/marketing/news_article.aspx?aid=4268
Now these cards may be pretty cool, but BMDP got the low down on what's sure to be the next great memorabilia card craze. We are proud to introduce Upper Deck's new set "No So Great Moments in Sports History: Sports Scandals Edition." And here are a few of the cards the new set includes.
Marv Albert 1997 Sex scandal card - This card contains a locket from Marv's famous toupee that he was wearing the night he was allegedly involved in sexual misconduct with a 42 year old woman whom he had had a "relationship" with for 10 years. The details of the night are hazy, but it does have some of that fateful nights dialogue.
The piece of the toupee is above a picture of Marv with the play-by-play of the nights activities on the back that read:
"He's able to hustle it down. He's putting the moves on her. She's apparently not liking what she's seeing. Oh! A spec-TAC-ular move! He throws up a circus shot. From way downtown, BANG! YES! And Marv is now hearing it from the crowd…"
*Watch your fingers with this one, he's apparently a biter.
The Kelvin Sampson Cell Phone Scandal Card
The person who receives this card will be able to send it to the Upper Deck offices and redeem it for a special one of a kind Kelvin Samson inspired cell phone. Kelvin will also put you in his Fave Five* and you'll receive free texting for the year on the cell phone carrier of your choice.
* Blue chip recruits ineligible. Some NCAA restrictions may apply.
Marion Jones Steroid Scandal Card
Another send in card, this card can be in to redeem your very own license plate made by Jones herself for any state in the continental US. The plate can say whatever you want (possibly OLYMCHEATR or NOTFSTENGH or ROIDRAGE) and will be gold plated using the melted down remains of all the gold medals she won while illegally using steroids.
* Watch out, this one is going fast…a little too fast if you ask the IOC.
Tim Donaghy NBA Handicapping Card
Send this card in to Upper Deck and they'll send you one of the Tim Donaghy whistles that he used to fix games during the 2006-2007 NBA season. Feel free to use it to help keep your son or daughters YMCA game close. Blow it at a casino. Blow it while your talking on the phone with your bookie. Blow it on other crooked referees who where once in business with you, or simply use it to warn others when an FBI agent is on the premises questioning you about the numerous illegal activities you're involved in.
Do not however blow it at Rasheed Wallace cause he'll be waiting for you outside the arena and he will NOT be happy. And if you were thinking of getting away with it, don't bet on it cause we all know how Sheed rolls.
* Upper Deck is not responsible for medical bills to dislodge the whistle from you trachea. Use with caution and at your own risk.
Wilt Chamberlain "Not-So-Little Black Book" Card
Send this card to UD and they will send you Wilt the Stilt's infamous little black book. It contains over 20,000 phone numbers of ladies from all over the globe. Of course those ladies are probably well into their 60's and some are possibly even deceased, but hey, with this book you too could become a sexual "Globetrotter" and feel like you in fact are the "Chairman of the Broads…I mean Boards, Chairman of the Boards…"
OJ Simspon Scandal of the Decade Card
This card entitles the redeemer to a special edition "The Juice is Loose on the 405" card and the front left headlight of the white Ford Bronco used in the infamous low speed chase through the streets of Los Angeles in 1994. On the back of the headlight is an inscription by Al Cowlings that reads :
"This is A.C.! You got a genuine piece of my car. This is A.C. you know who this is, --damnit!"
* Don't let Juice catch you with this memorabilia at a card show or he might claim it as his property and try and steal it from you. Just be sure to watch your back when entering your hotel room, OK?
Bill Bellamy Rock and Jock B-Ball Jam 4 Scandal
We aren't sure what scandal took place at Rock and Jock 4. Possibly a point shaving scandal involving the incorrect height of the 20 point basket that favored Bellamy's team The Violators, maybe Bellamy purposely lied about Marky Mark's height being 5-8 when everyone knows he's can't be an inch over 5-4 or possibly it has something to do with Bill spitefully muddling up Dan Cortese's perfectly coifed hair right before half-time.
Either way, we know for sure that this card contains a picture of Bill and a piece of the shorts he wore in the game. And Upper Deck officials describe the smell of the card to be a mixture of sweat and sitcom failure.
Roger Clemens Steroid Scandal Card
This is another of the redemption cards that entitles the owner to all of the "used and left over evidence" of steroid use that Brian McNamee turned over to the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, including left over needles, vials of HGH and even crushed beer cans.
Are you a Red Sox fan who still holds a grudge against The Rocketman and enjoy basking in the pitcher's personal failures? Are you a sporting enthusiast looking for something to help gain a little extra "edge" on your rec league softball tam? Are you a medical scientist with cloning capabilities looking to create an army of Roger Clemens' to crush your competitors and do your evil bidding?
Well with this card and the "weight training supplies" it comes with, you could do all three! Imagine the softball team that the California Biological Research Center could put together if they got a hold of this card! Look out Team Del Taco! There are 9 Clemens on the field and they are all looking to "brush you back!"
* Upper Deck is not responsible for any health problems associated with using dirty needles. They are also not responsible for cloning accidents, lopsided softball victories or the mutant Clemens monsters that are currently destroying your city.
Ron Artest Pistons/Pacers Brawl Card
This card has a picture of Ron Artest punching Detroit fan A.J. Shackleford on it and also has a small portion the infamous cup of beer that started the "Brawl at Auburn Hills," It's meant to honor the fans that stuck with pro basketball through the worst P.R. nightmare that the NBA has ever been apart of (outside of fixing games, gambling, rampant drug use, lopsided trades, etc) and it even has a personal message from Ron Artest himself on the back:
"EBay this bitch! Gotta get that paper son! It's not about winning, it's about getting paid! Use the cash you get from this card to start a rap label and then make enough money to fight whoever you want, whenever you want. The get a job down at Circuit City so you can get that employee discount on the album. Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money!"
Well, those cards are worthless now, at least in a monetary sense. But alas, the baseball card companies have not given up hope on this generation's young card collector. In a fierce battle to gain the advantage in an ever expanding marketplace, companies such a Topps and Upper Deck have gone to great lengths to lure in potential customers with a strange and eclectic new breed of "memorabilia" cards that can have anything from pieces of your favorite players game worn jersey on them, to specialty autographed cards and now they've taken the premise even farther by offering collectors a chance to find limited edition cards that contain an autograph and strand of hair of some of the most influential individuals in America's history. This historic "Hair Cuts" set made by the Upper Deck Corporation includes cards from George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and famous Apache Indian leader Geronimo.
http://www.upperdeck.com/marketing/news_article.aspx?aid=4268
Now these cards may be pretty cool, but BMDP got the low down on what's sure to be the next great memorabilia card craze. We are proud to introduce Upper Deck's new set "No So Great Moments in Sports History: Sports Scandals Edition." And here are a few of the cards the new set includes.
Marv Albert 1997 Sex scandal card - This card contains a locket from Marv's famous toupee that he was wearing the night he was allegedly involved in sexual misconduct with a 42 year old woman whom he had had a "relationship" with for 10 years. The details of the night are hazy, but it does have some of that fateful nights dialogue.
The piece of the toupee is above a picture of Marv with the play-by-play of the nights activities on the back that read:
"He's able to hustle it down. He's putting the moves on her. She's apparently not liking what she's seeing. Oh! A spec-TAC-ular move! He throws up a circus shot. From way downtown, BANG! YES! And Marv is now hearing it from the crowd…"
*Watch your fingers with this one, he's apparently a biter.
The Kelvin Sampson Cell Phone Scandal Card
The person who receives this card will be able to send it to the Upper Deck offices and redeem it for a special one of a kind Kelvin Samson inspired cell phone. Kelvin will also put you in his Fave Five* and you'll receive free texting for the year on the cell phone carrier of your choice.
* Blue chip recruits ineligible. Some NCAA restrictions may apply.
Marion Jones Steroid Scandal Card
Another send in card, this card can be in to redeem your very own license plate made by Jones herself for any state in the continental US. The plate can say whatever you want (possibly OLYMCHEATR or NOTFSTENGH or ROIDRAGE) and will be gold plated using the melted down remains of all the gold medals she won while illegally using steroids.
* Watch out, this one is going fast…a little too fast if you ask the IOC.
Tim Donaghy NBA Handicapping Card
Send this card in to Upper Deck and they'll send you one of the Tim Donaghy whistles that he used to fix games during the 2006-2007 NBA season. Feel free to use it to help keep your son or daughters YMCA game close. Blow it at a casino. Blow it while your talking on the phone with your bookie. Blow it on other crooked referees who where once in business with you, or simply use it to warn others when an FBI agent is on the premises questioning you about the numerous illegal activities you're involved in.
Do not however blow it at Rasheed Wallace cause he'll be waiting for you outside the arena and he will NOT be happy. And if you were thinking of getting away with it, don't bet on it cause we all know how Sheed rolls.
* Upper Deck is not responsible for medical bills to dislodge the whistle from you trachea. Use with caution and at your own risk.
Wilt Chamberlain "Not-So-Little Black Book" Card
Send this card to UD and they will send you Wilt the Stilt's infamous little black book. It contains over 20,000 phone numbers of ladies from all over the globe. Of course those ladies are probably well into their 60's and some are possibly even deceased, but hey, with this book you too could become a sexual "Globetrotter" and feel like you in fact are the "Chairman of the Broads…I mean Boards, Chairman of the Boards…"
OJ Simspon Scandal of the Decade Card
This card entitles the redeemer to a special edition "The Juice is Loose on the 405" card and the front left headlight of the white Ford Bronco used in the infamous low speed chase through the streets of Los Angeles in 1994. On the back of the headlight is an inscription by Al Cowlings that reads :
"This is A.C.! You got a genuine piece of my car. This is A.C. you know who this is, --damnit!"
* Don't let Juice catch you with this memorabilia at a card show or he might claim it as his property and try and steal it from you. Just be sure to watch your back when entering your hotel room, OK?
Bill Bellamy Rock and Jock B-Ball Jam 4 Scandal
We aren't sure what scandal took place at Rock and Jock 4. Possibly a point shaving scandal involving the incorrect height of the 20 point basket that favored Bellamy's team The Violators, maybe Bellamy purposely lied about Marky Mark's height being 5-8 when everyone knows he's can't be an inch over 5-4 or possibly it has something to do with Bill spitefully muddling up Dan Cortese's perfectly coifed hair right before half-time.
Either way, we know for sure that this card contains a picture of Bill and a piece of the shorts he wore in the game. And Upper Deck officials describe the smell of the card to be a mixture of sweat and sitcom failure.
Roger Clemens Steroid Scandal Card
This is another of the redemption cards that entitles the owner to all of the "used and left over evidence" of steroid use that Brian McNamee turned over to the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, including left over needles, vials of HGH and even crushed beer cans.
Are you a Red Sox fan who still holds a grudge against The Rocketman and enjoy basking in the pitcher's personal failures? Are you a sporting enthusiast looking for something to help gain a little extra "edge" on your rec league softball tam? Are you a medical scientist with cloning capabilities looking to create an army of Roger Clemens' to crush your competitors and do your evil bidding?
Well with this card and the "weight training supplies" it comes with, you could do all three! Imagine the softball team that the California Biological Research Center could put together if they got a hold of this card! Look out Team Del Taco! There are 9 Clemens on the field and they are all looking to "brush you back!"
* Upper Deck is not responsible for any health problems associated with using dirty needles. They are also not responsible for cloning accidents, lopsided softball victories or the mutant Clemens monsters that are currently destroying your city.
Ron Artest Pistons/Pacers Brawl Card
This card has a picture of Ron Artest punching Detroit fan A.J. Shackleford on it and also has a small portion the infamous cup of beer that started the "Brawl at Auburn Hills," It's meant to honor the fans that stuck with pro basketball through the worst P.R. nightmare that the NBA has ever been apart of (outside of fixing games, gambling, rampant drug use, lopsided trades, etc) and it even has a personal message from Ron Artest himself on the back:
"EBay this bitch! Gotta get that paper son! It's not about winning, it's about getting paid! Use the cash you get from this card to start a rap label and then make enough money to fight whoever you want, whenever you want. The get a job down at Circuit City so you can get that employee discount on the album. Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money!"
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