Riots erupt at ESPN offices after someone inadvertently comments--“Someday Terrell Owens will retire.”

via National Lampoon

Pandemonium erupted this morning at the usually tranquil ESPN offices in Bristol, Connecticut, when an associate producer for ESPN’s flagship “Sports Center” made a casual remark at the show’s morning meeting that at some point “Terrell Owens was going to retire.”

A handful of fires were reported and several people had to receive medical attention, as everyone in the room exploded into panic upon hearing that their own Public Enemy #1 would one day hang-up his cleats. Once that realization set in, the bedlam spilled out of the conference room and into the main offices, as employees were found chaotically trying to back-up files, taking baseball bats to camera equipment, some frantically trying to carry cardboard cutouts of Brett Favre to safety, and curmudgeon Skip Bayless even "accidentally" lit longtime friend of Sports Center commercials, Mr. Met's, head on fire for being “an abomination to other more talented mascots.”

“Dare I say, En Fuego!” was never more apropos, as Mr. Met frantically ran in circles, head ablaze, just waving his arms in panic as his on-lookers momentarily stopped what they were doing to cheer and laugh. His child-like antics and joyful expression of unbridled enthusiasm and mild goofiness always made people smile. He died of smoke asphyxiation. He was 46-years old.

One Producer was found rumblin' bumblin' stumblin' hysterically through the offices; sweating profusely and brandishing a weapon while screaming “T.O. : T-O the ENDZONE.” He was finally trapped in a corner and subdued once the fire marshal assured him, “Mr. Berman, this isn’t a parade so put down the 5-iron, take off that silly swami hat and put on some pants, we’re here to take you to safety.”

Officials at the scene had to call in a hostage negotiator to talk another hysterical producer off the roof.

“What’s T.O.’s favorite color? Where does T.O. shop? What dry cleaners does he use? Does he still cry when he talks to Tony Romo? Does his dry cleaners fit his needs or is the dry cleaners just a product of his environment? We’ll never know! Was that shirt permanent pressed? Was that real popcorn he used in his celebration? What is the tone of the locker room? Are you really supposed to take that many pills at one time?!?! I need a press conference, DAMN IT!!!”

Luckily, before the man could jump, an officer threw on a T.O. jersey and temporarily distracted the producer, who immediate yelled to his cameramen. No less than 10 cameras swarmed the officer, screaming questions about off-season workout programs and whether or not he would still cry over Tony Romo now that he was in Buffalo; giving fire fighters just enough time to set up a safety net to catch the man. As the producer finally succumbed to gravity he was heard yelling, “Release. Rotation. Splash!”

Who knew that the distractions T.O. made could actually ever do any GOOD? Other employees were shocked to find out that maybe Owens wasn’t the bad guy that they had made him out to be. Could Owens actually be…helpful to certain people?

“Saving a life. If the Cowboys would have won a Super Bowl, he’d only need one more miracle to be a saint,” remarked one awed staffer. When another chimed in, “One more miracle or one bad trade away from being a Saint…”

Police officials said that at this hour most of the fires had been contained and everyone evacuated to nearby hospitals were in stable condition. When asked if this was the worst sports related riot he had ever seen, he stated “It’s the worst we’ve seen here in Bristol in awhile, but these things come and go every few years. When Jordan retired the first time, we had to airlift 6 people out. It seems like they only cover 4 stories or 4 people a week and just repackage them everyday. And when one of those people retires, well, you get today…”

ESPN producers need not fret, as Terrell Owens is sure to keep pulling in headlines far after a Hall-of-Fame worthy NFL career. T.O. is currently writing his memoirs called “Dropping Balls,” but has ran into some difficulties securing the rights to the title as another NFLer Willis McGahee has also been rumored to be using that exact phrase for his memoirs.

“Football? It ain’t got nuthin’ to do with football.,” said McGahee in a phone interview.

President of Operations at ESPN assured the media that the network would be back up and running by the end of the day because, “We’ve got a responsibility to our viewers to bring them up-to-the-minute updates on what Brett Favre is doing at this very moment. And we do not intend on letting them down.”

Sports Center, now with 25% more Favre coverage, 25% more Terrell Owens coverage, a few baseball highlights, and 100% more smoke damage.

BOOOOOYAH!