The azaleas are blooming. The air warms as it floats through the trees. The grass is starting to become that shade of green that only seems possible in postcards. And of course, the economy is still a toxic wasteland of shit. That can only mean one thing: Spring has sprung in Georgia. And every year at this time, the world’s most important golf tournament takes place at the world’s most prestigious golf course, Augusta National.
I am of course speaking of the much fabled Masters Tournament, held every April in Augusta, Georgia. Augusta National: Home course to the uber-elite of American businessmen and golfers alike. With a membership that boasts both Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, it’s obvious that only the wealthiest of the wealthy will ever get the chance to lace up their spikes and play a round on the most storied golf course this side of St. Andrews.
However, even with an abundance of class and wealth, the Masters Tournament is still feeling the icy grip of the current recession. And so without giving it second thought, the club decided to trim the cost of hosting such an extravagant event and revert back to the golden years of American industry. When OSHA was the Cajun word for where the water met the sand, Rockefellers were the richest fellers, and nine year olds spent 12 hours a day deep in the coal mines, precisely where they all belonged.
And with that in mind, they simply fired all their caddies and replaced them with child labor. Lines of children ranging from age 2 to 11, wearing bright white cover-alls emblazoned with the name of their golfer on their back, lined the cart path around Eisenhower Cabin; they all stood quietly as some spit shined shoes, others washed balls and a select few juggled the task of keeping golfer Vijay Singh from being a complete and utter douchebag, while also wrestling a cart of chocolate eclairs away from Craig Stadler, in a scene that the 34th president himself would have been proud of.
“Are those Nike Zooms?” one child asks in a nasally pre-pubescent voice, “Hey, I made those!” Roughly 85 children from all over the United States were going to bypass school and carry bags on the 7,400 yard course today. When asked why they so desperately needed the work, one of the younger caddies remarked, “Hey in this economy a job’s a job. This ain’t a bad gig. I got brother in Odessa who shingles roofs and a little sister that’s over in Iraq. If I gotta loop for Tiger this week to make a few bucks, so be it. Lining-up putts certainly pays more than finger painting.” Army recruiting violations aside, another caddy simply stated “Hey, I got kids to feed.”
And with those words, the kids grabbed their bags and hit the course with their respective golfer. Of course it wasn't all fun and games, as one caddy turned out to be a midget from a nearby construction site that managed to hop the fence and sneak onto the course. He was quickly detained by course marshals after they found him trying to sneak off with $2000 dollars worth of golf clubs and Freddy Couples wallet. He was quickly removed from the course and was made to take a handcuffed walk down Magnolia Lane.
And while the tournament is said to have saved money on this year's event, the day was far from without incident. Several caddies were caught playing Pokemon on Nintendo DS, when they were supposed to be gauging the swirling winds, a near riot broke out on the 10th tee as several caddies fought feverishly over a juicebox after the clubhouse ran out early while several golfers were making the turn, one caddy decided to have nap time right in the middle the 14th fairway, much to the chagrin of the group teeing off behind him, and a particularly surley young lady was overheard arguing with her pro, saying, "Look, if you wanny be a pansy and lay up, then by all means hit the 7-iron Nancy, but if you wanna man up and get to the green in two, I suggest growing a pair and hitting the 3 wood." When the golfer then proceeded to lay-up and muttered something to the effect of that's why I'm #2 in the world sweetheart, Mr. Michelson's caddy dropped her bag; quitting on the spot saying, "Ah, blow it out your ass, Dad."
So was putting children on the bags a good idea in terms of saving money? Former Augusta National Chairman Hootie Johnson certainly thinks so.
"We don't feel like this went badly at all," noted Johnson. "Other than the midget and that kid that passed out on 14, we feel like this was a successful test run. I can't figure out why other businesses don't just put kids to work. We saved thousands of dollars in caddy fees and only had one protester."
Looking out the front gates, a young girl in a golf shit and blue jeans was holding a sign protesting the mistreatment of her fellow children. A reporter pointed to the kid and asked, "In the future, if that young lady somehow managed to get her act together, would she be welcomed with open arms to join this prestigious country club?"
"No," said Johnson. "We don't enjoy the presence of their kind here."
"Women," the reporter asked.
"Protesters."
"Ahh," he said. "I guess with the all misappropriation of human rights here today, I must have had you guys confused with the other Augusta National."
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