The last strange day of Plaxico Burress

7:45 am - Ignore call from Giants.

8:15 am - Ignore call from Giants.

8:30 am- Ignore call from Giants while you take your son to school, even though he's not even 2 yet.

8:32 am - Remind yourself to make up a better excuse next time.

9:00 am - Call drew Drew Rosenhaus and tell him you want a newer new contract.

9:08 - Find unregistered firearm. Decide to keep it. What’s the worst that could happen?

9:30 am - Run over playbook with Escalade.

9:45 am - Text New York Giants President John Mara and tell him that you are expecting a new contract.

9:46 am - Turn to Weather Channel when he inquires what the weather in hell is like.

10:00 am - Text Eli's cell phone and say you're with Dominoes and have 50 pizzas in the parking lot for a "Launchpad Macock." (do this for the next 2 hours)

12:00 pm - Find that guy that does the Verizon commercials and his network. Wander around New Jeresy to find out where they won't follow you. Mark these spots down for use in future alibi.

12:45 pm - Call Michael Strahan and ask him if he wants to do lunch.

1:15 pm - Don't show up for lunch; dude is too damn annoying.

1:20 pm - Practice dialing phone for next time you need to miss practice...Friday.

1:30 pm - Lunch with Tom Brady. Share complaints about serious leg injuries.

1:35 pm - Storm out of lunch after Brady remarks your pansy ass injury complaints "don't have a leg to stand on."

1:35 pm - Remind Tom Brady, neither does he.

2:45 pm - Call Allen Iverson and ask him how practice was. Laugh uncontrollably for 20 minutes.

3:10 pm - Pay some of those 50 fines you've gotten over the past two years.

3:15 pm - Call Marvin Harrison and ask if he wants to go to the shooting range.

3:30 pm - Spend some quality time yelling at the wife.

4:00 pm - Keep going to places without making phone calls to the Giants.

4:15 pm - Call the Cincinatti Bengals and ask them to speak to Peter Warrick. when they say he doesn't play there anymore, mock them for taking him before you in the 2000 draft. Then tell them if you get into any legal problems, the Bengals are still #1 on your trade list.

4:45 pm - Email USA Today and make predictions on the point spreads for this week's games. When they remind you it's illegal for NFL players to gamble, remind them that you got 50 fines and don't really care for "rules or regulations."

4:50 pm - Place $200,000 on new prop bet that you won't get fined again this week.

5:15 pm - Come up with new injury to sit out of training camp during next contract
year. Narrow it down to separated groin, Foot in Mouth Disease or Ankleistis.

5:17 pm - Decide it's a combination of all three.

5:30 pm - Wonder why someone like Marvin Harrison never calls you back.

6:00 pm - Eat dinner with Tiki Barber. Ask him how his doppelganger likes his Super Bowl ring.

6:05 pm - Remind yourself why you were glad Tiki Barber left when he did.

6:45 pm - Trade yourself to the Raiders on Madden so you can understand what it's like to be overpaid and never have to go to meetings.

6:46 pm - Neglect to go to Eli’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.

6:48 pm - Fall in love with Al Davis and his Crypt Keeper mug.

6:48 pm - 9: 48 pm - Proceed to enjoy your 7 year tenure on .300 team on Madden 09'.

10:00 pm - Call you buddy GW and ask him what the hell is up with the economy.

11:00 pm - Finish burying your signing bonus next to Jimmy Hoffa in Giants Stadium.

11:05 pm - Call Randy Moss and tell him you dialed the phone with your ring finger.

11:10 pm- Go on WebMD and find out where it was exactly Randy Moss told you should stick you your ring.

11:30 pm - Hit the club with Antonio Pierce. Find one that allows patrons in wearing sweatpants.

11:37 pm - Show everyone the gun juggling routine you learned from Pacman Jones.

11:37 pm - Shoot yourself in the leg.

11:38 pm - Scream some more.

11:40 pm - Antonio Pierce reminds you of the irony of his name being “Pierce,” but you being the one who is “pierced” his leg with a bullet.

11:41 pm - Remind Antonio Pierce that you’ve already shot one person today and he needs to keep his mouth shut if he wants to keep it that way.

11:45 pm - Wipe prints off of you new, slightly used unregistered firearm.

12:18 am - Misplace firearm in an undisclosed dumpster behind the Stuckey’s on I-95.
12:45 am - Find a hospital that doesn’t ask any questions and still takes Blue Cross & Blue Shield.

1:10 am - Still don’t call the Giants to let them know what’s going on. They probably won’t notice the gaping hole in your leg anyway.

1:30 am - Watch Designing Women.

2:00 am - Curse Charlton Heston and those damn dirty apes as you burn your NRA card along with any remaining evidence to your crime.

2:30 am - Don’t worry about calling the Giants. They can’t help you where you’re going…

2:35 am - Write an apology letter to all the fantasy owners who drafted you early in their drafts only to find out they had shot themselves in the foot when you shot yourself in the leg.

3:00 am - Pop a vicodin and go to bed with dreams of doing it all again tomorrow...in jail.

via National Lampoon