Basball Maladies that have affected players throughout the years

via National Lampoon

This week the Detroit Tigers placed former Rookie of the Year, Dontrelle Willis, on the Disabled List with what club officials are calling an "anxiety disorder." In the old days of baseball, before agents and players unions ruined the game, coaches and players used to simply call this "losing your stuff," and it was grounds for releasing said player. But, in today's market, when a player is in year two of a three year $30 million dollar contract, teams don't have the luxury of realeasinga player without owing the player millions of dollars for under performance. So they are reduced to making up pseudo-injuries and placing the player on the DL in order to try and save face without telling their fans that the player sucks. Here are some of the pseudo-injuries the MLB has seen throughout the years.

Craig Counsell is on the DL with Craig Counsell Disease which makes him suffer by going up to the plate and hitting like Craig Counsell. Good luck hitting over .230 with this disease.

Coco Crisp is on the DL for something called “Chocolate Madness,” which had previously only been seen in patients with Type I diabetes and pregnant women; oh and that bird that suffered from it in the commercials. While injured, he spends his time in the clubhouse screaming “I’m koo koo for Coco Puffs,” while wildly brandishing a Louisville slugger and taking swings at imaginary cartoon birds that according to him are freely roaming “everywhere” in the Kansas City clubhouse.

Alex Rodriguez is on the DL rehabbing in Colorado after having surgery to remove a cyst in his hip. He has said that he blames his post-season woes on Kabbalah, hookers and mirrors in which to kiss himself and his bad hip on carrying the Yankees on his back these past few seasons. Doctors were understandably confused by Mr. Rodriguez’s diagnosis because carrying the Yanks on your back is what New York doctors refer to as “Jeteritis,” and everyone agrees that A-Rod shows absolutely no symptoms of Jeteritis.

Ryan Howard is on the DL with No-Breaking Ball Syndrome which makes him only able to recognize and hit fastballs.

National’s prospect Esmailyn Gonzalez is on the DL with Benjamin Button Dyslexia Disease; it’s where a player thinks he’s 19, but really turns out to be 23.

Johnny Damon was diagnosed and spent time on the DL for Et Tu, Brute or “The Judas Disease,” after joining the Yankees in 2006. It makes you a bit slower, noticeably more injury prone and you start to throw like a 10-year old girl. Also, it causes people wearing Red Sox hats to swear and try and spit on your face upon seeing you in public anywhere outside a Catholic Church.

Manny Ramirez went on the DL with Manny Being Manny Syndrome. SEE: Self Inflicted Amnesia.

Dwight Gooden once missed 6 games after he was affected by Tony Montana Disease, which caused him to shoot and kill 6 FBI agents and 2 Mr. Mets when they broke down his door and tried to arrest him during a coke deal. No charges were filed...

Matt Holiday suffers from Rocky Mountain Malaise, which only allows him to hit 25 HR in the state of Colorado (most preferably in Coors Field) Also you have to wait till his bat is blue; that’s the only way you’ll know he’s ready to hit .350.

Barry Zito has suffered from and missed a start last year with P.M. Brusitis. It makes all his pitches look like the ones seen by hitters at batting practice. It causes you to lose control of both your pitches and your ERA.

Even the Phillie Phantaic isn't insusceptible to the occasional trip to the DL. He sometimes suffers from the Phillie Phlu which causes him to uncontrollably bitch about Ryan Howard's outrageous K rate, the feeling that he needs to dance at the most inopportune moments and cry uncontrollably when visiting fans poin out the fact that he looks like some bizarre lovechild of Big Bird, Snufflelufagus, and the turf at the Astrodome.

Pete Rose suffered from Bettor's Guilt, which caused him to wish that he'd bet on a better team than the Reds.

J.D. Drew once missed a game because he was on his period.

Mickey Mantle was once placed on the DL with the listing of "Jack Daniels."

Rickey Henderson spent time on the DL during his career while suffering from Rickey Henderson Juxtaposition Influenza. According to the all-time stolen base leader the disease caused Rickey confusion and Rickey can’t think when Rickey needs to think, so the words coming out of Rickey’s mouth aren’t always combobulated in a fashion that Rickey is completely comfortable with Rickey saying and Rickey needs Rickey to be comfortable or Rickey can’t run. Rickey needs to run. Run Rickey, run. Rickey. Oh and it causes the person infected to continually talk in first person, even when the listener is already aware of what Rickey, Rickey is talking about.