Miami Dolphins first ever “Take your daughter to work day” deemed "tragic"

via National Lampoon

Miami Dolphins held their first ever “Take your daughter to work day” today, where employees of the organization were encouraged to bring their daughters and nieces under the age 12 to come be a part of the team for a very special father-daughter bonding experience.


The Dolphins haven’t had something go this terribly wrong since Ricky Williams claimed it was “Bong O’Clock” and essentially left the 2007 (1-15) season a joke that could only be told made funny by the likes of Cheech and Chong.


The day started out as a to show of love and support, with dolphins personnel showing their daughters the day-to-day operations of a professional football franchise. It was a day they hoped would introduce young women to a profession that has long been dominated by middle aged males in team visors and old curmudgeons chomping on cigars talking about the good ol’ days, when you were allowed to lay haymakers on refs, drink in the huddle and play both sides of the ball.


However, the day took a very ugly turn when a friendly scrimmage turned into an all-out war on the field, as Dolphin veterans turned cold when the niece of one of the trainers put a late hit on receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. From there, things just seemed to get out of hand.

“You think you can just come up in my house and motherfuckin’ finger paint. Hells no. She’s lucky she even got fingers left after that scrimmage. I’m not playing a game here. This here is my business. I don’t come into kindergarten classes and be all drawing dinosaurs with crayons and reading the Berstein Bears. This isn’t nap time! So don’t come into my place of work and pretend you can play quarterback when you know my job is to make you pay for hanging on to the ball too long. I don’t care if you weight 50 lbs or 300 lbs; my job is to hit you hard. End of story.”


And possibly the end of childhood. A very sudden, jarring, spine tingling end to childhood.


And the little girl was lucky to get out of the huddle and on to a gurney with 8 of her ten digits still intact. Although, her one completion did raise the eyebrows around the Dolphins training facility. Most notably those of head coach Tony Sparano.


“Yeah, that 11 year old playing free-safety was a waste of a practice jersey. She tackled like a girl (she was). But, I was impressed with the 8 year old’s arm at QB. I think we might keep her around. What was her line? (1-6 for an 11 yard gain) Well she already throws farther than Pennington.”

She was offered a 10 day contract, but was unable to sign…you know, because of the whole fingers thing.

rest of the day was spent mostly with trainers and doctors of the organization. Wasn’t the original plan of an ice cream social, but a myriad of injuries ranging from a broken collar bone to a detached retina were really putting a damper on the day. But time will heal their broken bones. As far as their spirits and their self-esteem, now that’s probably going to take quite a bit of time and therapy.


“As far as I’m concerned, today was a good start to our season,” said Vice President of Football Operations, Bill Parcells. A win’s a win. I saw a lot of sad little girls out there playing hard today. And some of them even brought their daughters.”

Of course an anonymous staffer put it best, “I’d say this was not only a terrible idea, but has probably set human relations back 200 years.”

Another win in Miami.