Dear Patriot Fans,
I know your probably standing on the edge of a bridge right now because you think your football season is over. And I regret to inform you that this indeed will be the winter of your discontent. Look, I know you think football season (life) is now over for you, but it’s not like I ended the career of your beloved Tom Brady. It could have been much, much worse. Just ask Joe Theisman.
Let’s face it Boston, you’ve had a great run on my watch. But yesterday at around 1:10 EST we had to shut down Heaven because you flooded our servers with your prayers. While I applaud your zeal, we just can’t keep up with all the sports related prayers in Boston all of the time. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but I’ve got a few more pressing issues, like war, famine, AIDS, cancer, the bloodcurdling holy war that’s quickly approaching…
You know how many people said my name in vain yesterday? 115 million and about 100 million of those came from the state of Massachusetts alone. A guy in Gillette Stadium said it 142 times; a new record. Un-be-lievable. Seriously you guys are soooooo dramatic when it comes to your sports. We haven’t had a prayer avalanche like this since the 86’ World Series. At least the answers to those prayers were simple. The answer to the first question was “no not this year,” and the answer to the second question was “No I can’t carpet bomb it, I don’t even know where Bill Buckner lives.”
That was the also the night heaven got the most prayers it’d seen since D-Day. Coincidentally, that was also the night that we saw a dramatic increase in atheism and it also set the record for “most people to die from alcohol poisoning.” We were very busy that night. I’m talking standing room only. We had a line out the door a mile long. I’m talking opening night of a Star Wars sequel long. I couldn’t believe it. We lost less Catholics during The Crusades.
My Sundays are busy enough without you praying for Randy Moss touchdowns and for every Wes Welk-ah slant to go for a first down. (By the way I have no idea how that guy does it. I created the slant route for slow white receivers, but that guy should be earning royalties for it.) There are 31 other NFL teams, not to mention Kurt Warner’s wife who NEVER leaves me alone. You’re just going to learn to appreciate what you have. I know Tom is. I mean have you seen that girlfriend of his? That’s some of my primo work. He’s not missing anything by spending a few months alone with her.
I don‘t know what else to do for you Boston fans. It’s never enough. I finally gave in a few years ago and gave you that World Series title that you had been so desperately praying for like, 80 years. I was growing very tired of the whining and quite frankly, I couldn‘t stand it anymore. I mean with the accent, and the foul language, the prayers were sounding less and less like prayers and more like a Drop Kick Murphy’s concert.
And to show I was a good sport about it, I went ahead and gave you another ring last year. Then I gave your beloved Celtics a title when I got inside Kevin McHale’s head and made him trade you Kevin Garnett. Not to mention the 3 other Super Bowl rings I gave your Pats over the last few years. Even I couldn’t believe you beat the Rams. Last year you got Randy Moss for a 4th round pick! This streak of wild luck had to come crashing to a halt at some point. And that’s what today was about.
Injuries like this happen. I’ve been telling Peter for years, they just need to invent a Robocop-like suit of armor to put on these guys so stuff like this doesn’t happen over and over again. It’s not an accident the Pope’s car is encased in bullet proof glass. Contrary to what you believe, I can’t be everywhere at once people and I certainly didn’t construct the human body to strap on plastic helmets and run into each other at high speeds. Either get better pads or get used to things snapping and breaking when you slam yourselves together.
And if I may be perfectly honest, I don’t even like the NFL. Anything that competes for my attention on Sunday (MY day) is subject to my wrath. Therefore anyone who plays it is on his own. Besides, I don’t like football. I like the sweet simplicity of baseball. That’s why I’m a Cubs fan.
And for the love of Me, all you New York Jets fans can quit thanking me in your prayers now. You too Cassell
I’m sorry New England,
God
P.S. - There is no reverse aging process that will ever be able to bring Larry Bird back into playing shape. His lower back is held together by thin tubes of glass and paper mache, so stop asking.
P.S.S. - I don't want to be seeing one of those Hitler vidoes about this thing either...
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