The Gonzo Sports Report

And my favorite post of all-time...NFL players draw God

2009-09-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

I drew these pics and this article really never got linked anywhere because people were scared to piss off the God people. It isn't a joke about God, well...you'll see.

Holiday Gift Ideas: Books by Sports Personalities

2009-09-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

It’s the Holiday season and I’m sure that some of you are searching for the perfect gift for that special sports lover in your family. Well, I’m here to help. I just happen to have a list of sports books that have come out during the past year that’ll be sure to fill the gaping hole (that beer and a hours of therapy obviously can‘t) of any sports fan on your holiday shopping list this season. Whether it’s a hardcore college football fan, or that Timberwolves fan that you just can’t seem to talk off the roof, there is a book on this list for fans of all shapes and sizes.*

Jesus Help Me…Literally by Charlie Weis

We almost won! The Herm Edwards Story by Herm Edwards

Beautiful Blondes and The Damned Cowboys by Tony Romo

Tuesdays with Marbury by Mike D’Antoni

The Sun Also Sets by Steve Nash

Oh SNAP! by Joe Theismann and Lawrence Taylor

Applebees be Dangerous as Shit These Days by Plaxico Burress

Limping to Perfection by Tom Brady

I’d Sooner be in Oklahoma than living with the Lions by 2008 Heisman Winner Sam Bradford

The Drinkest Drank in Drunktown (or Hooters) by John Daly

A Farewell to Labrums by Dusty Baker

The Never Ending Story of Boredom - PS, I Secretly Hate the Red Sox by Joe Buck

How to Survive an NFL Career with a body made from Cheap Taiwanese Glass by Steve McNair

Cheeseburgers, Milkshakes, Double Deep Fried Pudding Pops and 160 million dollars - The CC Sabathia Diet

Growing up in the Lollipop Guild by Dustin Pedrioa

I just won’t f@%*ing die and 100 other ways I’m just like Dracula by Raider Owner Al Davis

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Fanbases by Brett Favre

Where am I, Joe? by Troy Aikman

Floundering in the NBA by Tyler Hansbrough

All the King’s Horses and All the King’s men are moving to New York Soon by Lebron James

Ordinary People…who Date Madonna by Alex Rodriguez

A Life of Being Paid in Reality Checks by Manny Ramirez

I’m still here and I still play for the Spurs by Tim Duncan

Actually, I do hate you Cub Fans by God (first book was NY Times best seller of the Millennia)

Flagged, Paper Bagged and Tagged as the Worst of All-Time by The 2009 Detroit Lions

Zen and the Art of Flopping by Manu Ginobli

There may be a God, Detroit by Barry Sanders Jr.

Fear and Loathing in the Closet of Vogue Magazine by promiscuity policeman Sean Avery

Atlas Shrugged…So I Punched Him in the Face by Steve Smith

The 6 Dollar Man (And Still Overpriced) by Adam Morrison

How to Strike Out Without Really Trying by whiff-master Ryan Howard

3 Drop Steps to Being Unsuccessful by Rex Grossman

The Story of the SEC: Speed + Experience = Championships

I have no F@*%ing Clue What I’m Talking About by Tony Kornheiser

Hines Wald: Numbell One Smaltest Leceiver by Hines Wald

Woooooooooo: The Life and Times of The Nature Boy by Rick Flair

You Gonna Eat That? by Eddy Curry

The Story of Me and Me and Me and Me and Me and Me and finally, Me by more than a dozen Hershel Walkers

Hi, Welcome to McDonald’s, Would You like to Try a Detached Retina? by Kimbo Slice

Not So Great Expectations by Padre Pitcher Jake Peavy

The Bell Keeps Tolling, Yet Somehow I’m Still Here by Bengal Coach Marvin Lewis

2008: A Suck Odyssey by former Lions GM Matt Millen

Catch 23 by Cleveland Cavaliers Owner Dan Gilbert

People at IHOP F@*%ing Hate Me by Michael Phelps

Welcome to the Intensive Care Unit Mr. Green by Trent Green

Screw the Recession! How much do you want? by Yankee Owner Hank Steinbrenner

How to Piss Off Everyone Gambling on Today’s Game by NFL ref Ed Hockuli

Oh-Hell-I’m-Overmatched by Every Player Ever from Ohio State

I’m so bored now, I could choke somebody - Bobby Knight with a forward by Latrell Sprewell

The Secret…CHEATING by Bill Belichick

* Except for soccer. Soccer is not actually a sport and is considered a wildly inappropriate activity to people with attention spans, athletic ability and the men who don’t enjoy being bored to death by other men running around like Liberace at a sequin factory.

Is there one that I missed? Leave it in the comment section below…

Oh and the podcasts

2009-09-19T06:25:00.000-07:00

The podcasts can be found here The Douche Report. I write them all myself and one can plainly see that I sometimes do not have the time or help needed to make them. The first one is good and the 5th episode has the best jokes, but I obviously needed someone else to riff off of some weeks. It was much more difficult than I imagined to sit in a room by myself and try and be funny. Without an audience, you just start to think you're a crazy person.

Maya Angelou’s predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season

2009-09-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.

In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,

The Cowboys

Romo-thou art not a homo

Fumbulicious, maybe still

Play-offs still haunt your dreams

No longer necessary on special teams

But a man in shining blue stars

Who holds all the cards

Of fortune,

is surely sheriff

A billion green faces have lain

Before you an exquisite new home

Where Buffalo need not roam

As long as T.O. catches in their town

The Jones of Jerry; Master of Cowboys

Has built a cathedral of success

For America’s team

The American Dream

Like blondes with high beams

A subject you know something about

Wrangle up some wins Tony R.

In the play-offs, you must ride far

Or next year at this time

You will be washing my car

The Jets

Jets, the Jets; soaring through the clouds

Hopes and dreams on the wings of Favre

Have come careening to the ground

Alas, a new pilot this season will fly

Ready to pull back the throttle

And rise higher and higher into the sky

Fans line-up to for the chance to see

On the runway, as the green Jets taxi

The people rise, rise and crowd the airport gate

Sadly, they will still finish worse than 8 and 8.

The Bears

Chicago cold and windy

The lake stares briskly at you

Orton traveled to Denver

And so, the offense is born anew

The defense is like poetry

At the helm a man, Urlacher

As blanketing as a new fallen snow

The qb he will surely sack her

Traps for Bears don’t often succeed

But they often catch the Cubbies

So Chicago puts it hopes and dreams

On the shoulders of a man named Lovie

The Vikings

Brett Favre, Brett Favre

The people of Minnesota

Are starved, for a ring

Put on your majestic purple Four

And helmet—which proudly adorns

Those alabaster and unbreakable horns

And lead your men to battle

Greeen Bay shakes its death rattle

As new fans will help you mount the saddle

Because a championship ring is in their conception

The ball floats higher and higher and higher

Interception

The Panthers

Roaming in the fields of the Carolinas

Panthers, majestic, proud and black

Basking in a harvest of blue Peppers

Where Carolinians pick up there sacks

Alas, the Peppers have gone sour

And it ruins the farmer’s lunch

For he hath provided the defense

And Smith hath provided the punch

If Peppers does not return to Charlotte fields

Leaving all opponents--free to roam

Panthers of Carolina have dug their grave

Where mediocrity will call surely call Delhomme

The Bucs

Once, proud pirates on the seas of seven

Buccaneers be not proud, furthermore

Their ship had begun taking on water

Cadillac is on cinderblocks

in the front yard

Cannons lay silent

The boat is taking on water

This isn't even worth it

You suck.

The Patriots

Patriots, oh Patriots,

Where have thou gone?

Once a team of outrageous dexterity

Has put down their muskets of age

A man of steel has been laid to turf

His injured leg hath felt the dirt

And the steel of scalpel upon his knee

Had set his opponents,

Who had longed to be free

Freedom! They exclaimed

As the war carried on

Red, white and blue still fought at dawn

Patriots forever, no matter the case

As linebackers grew old

And victory,

They no longer could taste

But, out of a deep musty fog

your General has risen

So pick up your muskets

And release yourself from prison

He is the One to ease your worried pains

For he is the Man that moves your chains

Augusta National puts the "Child" Back in Cild Labor

2009-09-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

The azaleas are blooming. The air warms as it floats through the trees. The grass is starting to become that shade of green that only seems possible in postcards. And of course, the economy is still a toxic wasteland of shit. That can only mean one thing: Spring has sprung in Georgia. And every year at this time, the world’s most important golf tournament takes place at the world’s most prestigious golf course, Augusta National.

I am of course speaking of the much fabled Masters Tournament, held every April in Augusta, Georgia. Augusta National: Home course to the uber-elite of American businessmen and golfers alike. With a membership that boasts both Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, it’s obvious that only the wealthiest of the wealthy will ever get the chance to lace up their spikes and play a round on the most storied golf course this side of St. Andrews.

However, even with an abundance of class and wealth, the Masters Tournament is still feeling the icy grip of the current recession. And so without giving it second thought, the club decided to trim the cost of hosting such an extravagant event and revert back to the golden years of American industry. When OSHA was the Cajun word for where the water met the sand, Rockefellers were the richest fellers, and nine year olds spent 12 hours a day deep in the coal mines, precisely where they all belonged.

And with that in mind, they simply fired all their caddies and replaced them with child labor. Lines of children ranging from age 2 to 11, wearing bright white cover-alls emblazoned with the name of their golfer on their back, lined the cart path around Eisenhower Cabin; they all stood quietly as some spit shined shoes, others washed balls and a select few juggled the task of keeping golfer Vijay Singh from being a complete and utter douchebag, while also wrestling a cart of chocolate eclairs away from Craig Stadler, in a scene that the 34th president himself would have been proud of.

“Are those Nike Zooms?” one child asks in a nasally pre-pubescent voice, “Hey, I made those!” Roughly 85 children from all over the United States were going to bypass school and carry bags on the 7,400 yard course today. When asked why they so desperately needed the work, one of the younger caddies remarked, “Hey in this economy a job’s a job. This ain’t a bad gig. I got brother in Odessa who shingles roofs and a little sister that’s over in Iraq. If I gotta loop for Tiger this week to make a few bucks, so be it. Lining-up putts certainly pays more than finger painting.” Army recruiting violations aside, another caddy simply stated “Hey, I got kids to feed.”

And with those words, the kids grabbed their bags and hit the course with their respective golfer. Of course it wasn't all fun and games, as one caddy turned out to be a midget from a nearby construction site that managed to hop the fence and sneak onto the course. He was quickly detained by course marshals after they found him trying to sneak off with $2000 dollars worth of golf clubs and Freddy Couples wallet. He was quickly removed from the course and was made to take a handcuffed walk down Magnolia Lane.

And while the tournament is said to have saved money on this year's event, the day was far from without incident. Several caddies were caught playing Pokemon on Nintendo DS, when they were supposed to be gauging the swirling winds, a near riot broke out on the 10th tee as several caddies fought feverishly over a juicebox after the clubhouse ran out early while several golfers were making the turn, one caddy decided to have nap time right in the middle the 14th fairway, much to the chagrin of the group teeing off behind him, and a particularly surley young lady was overheard arguing with her pro, saying, "Look, if you wanny be a pansy and lay up, then by all means hit the 7-iron Nancy, but if you wanna man up and get to the green in two, I suggest growing a pair and hitting the 3 wood." When the golfer then proceeded to lay-up and muttered something to the effect of that's why I'm #2 in the world sweetheart, Mr. Michelson's caddy dropped her bag; quitting on the spot saying, "Ah, blow it out your ass, Dad."

So was putting children on the bags a good idea in terms of saving money? Former Augusta National Chairman Hootie Johnson certainly thinks so.

"We don't feel like this went badly at all," noted Johnson. "Other than the midget and that kid that passed out on 14, we feel like this was a successful test run. I can't figure out why other businesses don't just put kids to work. We saved thousands of dollars in caddy fees and only had one protester."

Looking out the front gates, a young girl in a golf shit and blue jeans was holding a sign protesting the mistreatment of her fellow children. A reporter pointed to the kid and asked, "In the future, if that young lady somehow managed to get her act together, would she be welcomed with open arms to join this prestigious country club?"

"No," said Johnson. "We don't enjoy the presence of their kind here."

"Women," the reporter asked.

"Protesters."

"Ahh," he said. "I guess with the all misappropriation of human rights here today, I must have had you guys confused with the other Augusta National."

The last strange day of Plaxico Burress

2009-09-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

7:45 am - Ignore call from Giants.

8:15 am - Ignore call from Giants.

8:30 am- Ignore call from Giants while you take your son to school, even though he's not even 2 yet.

8:32 am - Remind yourself to make up a better excuse next time.

9:00 am - Call drew Drew Rosenhaus and tell him you want a newer new contract.

9:08 - Find unregistered firearm. Decide to keep it. What’s the worst that could happen?

9:30 am - Run over playbook with Escalade.

9:45 am - Text New York Giants President John Mara and tell him that you are expecting a new contract.

9:46 am - Turn to Weather Channel when he inquires what the weather in hell is like.

10:00 am - Text Eli's cell phone and say you're with Dominoes and have 50 pizzas in the parking lot for a "Launchpad Macock." (do this for the next 2 hours)

12:00 pm - Find that guy that does the Verizon commercials and his network. Wander around New Jeresy to find out where they won't follow you. Mark these spots down for use in future alibi.

12:45 pm - Call Michael Strahan and ask him if he wants to do lunch.

1:15 pm - Don't show up for lunch; dude is too damn annoying.

1:20 pm - Practice dialing phone for next time you need to miss practice...Friday.

1:30 pm - Lunch with Tom Brady. Share complaints about serious leg injuries.

1:35 pm - Storm out of lunch after Brady remarks your pansy ass injury complaints "don't have a leg to stand on."

1:35 pm - Remind Tom Brady, neither does he.

2:45 pm - Call Allen Iverson and ask him how practice was. Laugh uncontrollably for 20 minutes.

3:10 pm - Pay some of those 50 fines you've gotten over the past two years.

3:15 pm - Call Marvin Harrison and ask if he wants to go to the shooting range.

3:30 pm - Spend some quality time yelling at the wife.

4:00 pm - Keep going to places without making phone calls to the Giants.

4:15 pm - Call the Cincinatti Bengals and ask them to speak to Peter Warrick. when they say he doesn't play there anymore, mock them for taking him before you in the 2000 draft. Then tell them if you get into any legal problems, the Bengals are still #1 on your trade list.

4:45 pm - Email USA Today and make predictions on the point spreads for this week's games. When they remind you it's illegal for NFL players to gamble, remind them that you got 50 fines and don't really care for "rules or regulations."

4:50 pm - Place $200,000 on new prop bet that you won't get fined again this week.

5:15 pm - Come up with new injury to sit out of training camp during next contract
year. Narrow it down to separated groin, Foot in Mouth Disease or Ankleistis.

5:17 pm - Decide it's a combination of all three.

5:30 pm - Wonder why someone like Marvin Harrison never calls you back.

6:00 pm - Eat dinner with Tiki Barber. Ask him how his doppelganger likes his Super Bowl ring.

6:05 pm - Remind yourself why you were glad Tiki Barber left when he did.

6:45 pm - Trade yourself to the Raiders on Madden so you can understand what it's like to be overpaid and never have to go to meetings.

6:46 pm - Neglect to go to Eli’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.

6:48 pm - Fall in love with Al Davis and his Crypt Keeper mug.

6:48 pm - 9: 48 pm - Proceed to enjoy your 7 year tenure on .300 team on Madden 09'.

10:00 pm - Call you buddy GW and ask him what the hell is up with the economy.

11:00 pm - Finish burying your signing bonus next to Jimmy Hoffa in Giants Stadium.

11:05 pm - Call Randy Moss and tell him you dialed the phone with your ring finger.

11:10 pm- Go on WebMD and find out where it was exactly Randy Moss told you should stick you your ring.

11:30 pm - Hit the club with Antonio Pierce. Find one that allows patrons in wearing sweatpants.

11:37 pm - Show everyone the gun juggling routine you learned from Pacman Jones.

11:37 pm - Shoot yourself in the leg.

11:38 pm - Scream some more.

11:40 pm - Antonio Pierce reminds you of the irony of his name being “Pierce,” but you being the one who is “pierced” his leg with a bullet.

11:41 pm - Remind Antonio Pierce that you’ve already shot one person today and he needs to keep his mouth shut if he wants to keep it that way.

11:45 pm - Wipe prints off of you new, slightly used unregistered firearm.

12:18 am - Misplace firearm in an undisclosed dumpster behind the Stuckey’s on I-95.
12:45 am - Find a hospital that doesn’t ask any questions and still takes Blue Cross & Blue Shield.

1:10 am - Still don’t call the Giants to let them know what’s going on. They probably won’t notice the gaping hole in your leg anyway.

1:30 am - Watch Designing Women.

2:00 am - Curse Charlton Heston and those damn dirty apes as you burn your NRA card along with any remaining evidence to your crime.

2:30 am - Don’t worry about calling the Giants. They can’t help you where you’re going…

2:35 am - Write an apology letter to all the fantasy owners who drafted you early in their drafts only to find out they had shot themselves in the foot when you shot yourself in the leg.

3:00 am - Pop a vicodin and go to bed with dreams of doing it all again tomorrow...in jail.

via National Lampoon

Basball Maladies that have affected players throughout the years

2009-09-18T12:07:00.000-07:00

via National Lampoon

This week the Detroit Tigers placed former Rookie of the Year, Dontrelle Willis, on the Disabled List with what club officials are calling an "anxiety disorder." In the old days of baseball, before agents and players unions ruined the game, coaches and players used to simply call this "losing your stuff," and it was grounds for releasing said player. But, in today's market, when a player is in year two of a three year $30 million dollar contract, teams don't have the luxury of realeasinga player without owing the player millions of dollars for under performance. So they are reduced to making up pseudo-injuries and placing the player on the DL in order to try and save face without telling their fans that the player sucks. Here are some of the pseudo-injuries the MLB has seen throughout the years.

Craig Counsell is on the DL with Craig Counsell Disease which makes him suffer by going up to the plate and hitting like Craig Counsell. Good luck hitting over .230 with this disease.

Coco Crisp is on the DL for something called “Chocolate Madness,” which had previously only been seen in patients with Type I diabetes and pregnant women; oh and that bird that suffered from it in the commercials. While injured, he spends his time in the clubhouse screaming “I’m koo koo for Coco Puffs,” while wildly brandishing a Louisville slugger and taking swings at imaginary cartoon birds that according to him are freely roaming “everywhere” in the Kansas City clubhouse.

Alex Rodriguez is on the DL rehabbing in Colorado after having surgery to remove a cyst in his hip. He has said that he blames his post-season woes on Kabbalah, hookers and mirrors in which to kiss himself and his bad hip on carrying the Yankees on his back these past few seasons. Doctors were understandably confused by Mr. Rodriguez’s diagnosis because carrying the Yanks on your back is what New York doctors refer to as “Jeteritis,” and everyone agrees that A-Rod shows absolutely no symptoms of Jeteritis.

Ryan Howard is on the DL with No-Breaking Ball Syndrome which makes him only able to recognize and hit fastballs.

National’s prospect Esmailyn Gonzalez is on the DL with Benjamin Button Dyslexia Disease; it’s where a player thinks he’s 19, but really turns out to be 23.

Johnny Damon was diagnosed and spent time on the DL for Et Tu, Brute or “The Judas Disease,” after joining the Yankees in 2006. It makes you a bit slower, noticeably more injury prone and you start to throw like a 10-year old girl. Also, it causes people wearing Red Sox hats to swear and try and spit on your face upon seeing you in public anywhere outside a Catholic Church.

Manny Ramirez went on the DL with Manny Being Manny Syndrome. SEE: Self Inflicted Amnesia.

Dwight Gooden once missed 6 games after he was affected by Tony Montana Disease, which caused him to shoot and kill 6 FBI agents and 2 Mr. Mets when they broke down his door and tried to arrest him during a coke deal. No charges were filed...

Matt Holiday suffers from Rocky Mountain Malaise, which only allows him to hit 25 HR in the state of Colorado (most preferably in Coors Field) Also you have to wait till his bat is blue; that’s the only way you’ll know he’s ready to hit .350.

Barry Zito has suffered from and missed a start last year with P.M. Brusitis. It makes all his pitches look like the ones seen by hitters at batting practice. It causes you to lose control of both your pitches and your ERA.

Even the Phillie Phantaic isn't insusceptible to the occasional trip to the DL. He sometimes suffers from the Phillie Phlu which causes him to uncontrollably bitch about Ryan Howard's outrageous K rate, the feeling that he needs to dance at the most inopportune moments and cry uncontrollably when visiting fans poin out the fact that he looks like some bizarre lovechild of Big Bird, Snufflelufagus, and the turf at the Astrodome.

Pete Rose suffered from Bettor's Guilt, which caused him to wish that he'd bet on a better team than the Reds.

J.D. Drew once missed a game because he was on his period.

Mickey Mantle was once placed on the DL with the listing of "Jack Daniels."

Rickey Henderson spent time on the DL during his career while suffering from Rickey Henderson Juxtaposition Influenza. According to the all-time stolen base leader the disease caused Rickey confusion and Rickey can’t think when Rickey needs to think, so the words coming out of Rickey’s mouth aren’t always combobulated in a fashion that Rickey is completely comfortable with Rickey saying and Rickey needs Rickey to be comfortable or Rickey can’t run. Rickey needs to run. Run Rickey, run. Rickey. Oh and it causes the person infected to continually talk in first person, even when the listener is already aware of what Rickey, Rickey is talking about.

Riots erupt at ESPN offices after someone inadvertently comments--“Someday Terrell Owens will retire.”

2009-09-18T12:06:00.001-07:00

via National Lampoon

Pandemonium erupted this morning at the usually tranquil ESPN offices in Bristol, Connecticut, when an associate producer for ESPN’s flagship “Sports Center” made a casual remark at the show’s morning meeting that at some point “Terrell Owens was going to retire.”

A handful of fires were reported and several people had to receive medical attention, as everyone in the room exploded into panic upon hearing that their own Public Enemy #1 would one day hang-up his cleats. Once that realization set in, the bedlam spilled out of the conference room and into the main offices, as employees were found chaotically trying to back-up files, taking baseball bats to camera equipment, some frantically trying to carry cardboard cutouts of Brett Favre to safety, and curmudgeon Skip Bayless even "accidentally" lit longtime friend of Sports Center commercials, Mr. Met's, head on fire for being “an abomination to other more talented mascots.”

“Dare I say, En Fuego!” was never more apropos, as Mr. Met frantically ran in circles, head ablaze, just waving his arms in panic as his on-lookers momentarily stopped what they were doing to cheer and laugh. His child-like antics and joyful expression of unbridled enthusiasm and mild goofiness always made people smile. He died of smoke asphyxiation. He was 46-years old.

One Producer was found rumblin' bumblin' stumblin' hysterically through the offices; sweating profusely and brandishing a weapon while screaming “T.O. : T-O the ENDZONE.” He was finally trapped in a corner and subdued once the fire marshal assured him, “Mr. Berman, this isn’t a parade so put down the 5-iron, take off that silly swami hat and put on some pants, we’re here to take you to safety.”

Officials at the scene had to call in a hostage negotiator to talk another hysterical producer off the roof.

“What’s T.O.’s favorite color? Where does T.O. shop? What dry cleaners does he use? Does he still cry when he talks to Tony Romo? Does his dry cleaners fit his needs or is the dry cleaners just a product of his environment? We’ll never know! Was that shirt permanent pressed? Was that real popcorn he used in his celebration? What is the tone of the locker room? Are you really supposed to take that many pills at one time?!?! I need a press conference, DAMN IT!!!”

Luckily, before the man could jump, an officer threw on a T.O. jersey and temporarily distracted the producer, who immediate yelled to his cameramen. No less than 10 cameras swarmed the officer, screaming questions about off-season workout programs and whether or not he would still cry over Tony Romo now that he was in Buffalo; giving fire fighters just enough time to set up a safety net to catch the man. As the producer finally succumbed to gravity he was heard yelling, “Release. Rotation. Splash!”

Who knew that the distractions T.O. made could actually ever do any GOOD? Other employees were shocked to find out that maybe Owens wasn’t the bad guy that they had made him out to be. Could Owens actually be…helpful to certain people?

“Saving a life. If the Cowboys would have won a Super Bowl, he’d only need one more miracle to be a saint,” remarked one awed staffer. When another chimed in, “One more miracle or one bad trade away from being a Saint…”

Police officials said that at this hour most of the fires had been contained and everyone evacuated to nearby hospitals were in stable condition. When asked if this was the worst sports related riot he had ever seen, he stated “It’s the worst we’ve seen here in Bristol in awhile, but these things come and go every few years. When Jordan retired the first time, we had to airlift 6 people out. It seems like they only cover 4 stories or 4 people a week and just repackage them everyday. And when one of those people retires, well, you get today…”

ESPN producers need not fret, as Terrell Owens is sure to keep pulling in headlines far after a Hall-of-Fame worthy NFL career. T.O. is currently writing his memoirs called “Dropping Balls,” but has ran into some difficulties securing the rights to the title as another NFLer Willis McGahee has also been rumored to be using that exact phrase for his memoirs.

“Football? It ain’t got nuthin’ to do with football.,” said McGahee in a phone interview.

President of Operations at ESPN assured the media that the network would be back up and running by the end of the day because, “We’ve got a responsibility to our viewers to bring them up-to-the-minute updates on what Brett Favre is doing at this very moment. And we do not intend on letting them down.”

Sports Center, now with 25% more Favre coverage, 25% more Terrell Owens coverage, a few baseball highlights, and 100% more smoke damage.

BOOOOOYAH!

Miami Dolphins first ever “Take your daughter to work day” deemed "tragic"

2009-09-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

via National Lampoon

Miami Dolphins held their first ever “Take your daughter to work day” today, where employees of the organization were encouraged to bring their daughters and nieces under the age 12 to come be a part of the team for a very special father-daughter bonding experience.

The Dolphins haven’t had something go this terribly wrong since Ricky Williams claimed it was “Bong O’Clock” and essentially left the 2007 (1-15) season a joke that could only be told made funny by the likes of Cheech and Chong.

The day started out as a to show of love and support, with dolphins personnel showing their daughters the day-to-day operations of a professional football franchise. It was a day they hoped would introduce young women to a profession that has long been dominated by middle aged males in team visors and old curmudgeons chomping on cigars talking about the good ol’ days, when you were allowed to lay haymakers on refs, drink in the huddle and play both sides of the ball.

However, the day took a very ugly turn when a friendly scrimmage turned into an all-out war on the field, as Dolphin veterans turned cold when the niece of one of the trainers put a late hit on receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. From there, things just seemed to get out of hand.

“You think you can just come up in my house and motherfuckin’ finger paint. Hells no. She’s lucky she even got fingers left after that scrimmage. I’m not playing a game here. This here is my business. I don’t come into kindergarten classes and be all drawing dinosaurs with crayons and reading the Berstein Bears. This isn’t nap time! So don’t come into my place of work and pretend you can play quarterback when you know my job is to make you pay for hanging on to the ball too long. I don’t care if you weight 50 lbs or 300 lbs; my job is to hit you hard. End of story.”

And possibly the end of childhood. A very sudden, jarring, spine tingling end to childhood.

And the little girl was lucky to get out of the huddle and on to a gurney with 8 of her ten digits still intact. Although, her one completion did raise the eyebrows around the Dolphins training facility. Most notably those of head coach Tony Sparano.

“Yeah, that 11 year old playing free-safety was a waste of a practice jersey. She tackled like a girl (she was). But, I was impressed with the 8 year old’s arm at QB. I think we might keep her around. What was her line? (1-6 for an 11 yard gain) Well she already throws farther than Pennington.”

She was offered a 10 day contract, but was unable to sign…you know, because of the whole fingers thing.

rest of the day was spent mostly with trainers and doctors of the organization. Wasn’t the original plan of an ice cream social, but a myriad of injuries ranging from a broken collar bone to a detached retina were really putting a damper on the day. But time will heal their broken bones. As far as their spirits and their self-esteem, now that’s probably going to take quite a bit of time and therapy.

“As far as I’m concerned, today was a good start to our season,” said Vice President of Football Operations, Bill Parcells. A win’s a win. I saw a lot of sad little girls out there playing hard today. And some of them even brought their daughters.”

Of course an anonymous staffer put it best, “I’d say this was not only a terrible idea, but has probably set human relations back 200 years.”

Another win in Miami.

Announcer Joe Buck retires from Fox Sports to become BINGO caller in Utah

2009-09-18T11:53:00.001-07:00

This week the fantastically insipid broadcaster Joe Buck stepped down from his duties as play-by-play announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals in order to focus more of his time towards being the main play-by-play analyst for Fox Sports. However, today a source of the Blue Monkey Disco Party found out that Buck had no plans to return to the Cardinals or even to Fox, but is set to retire from sports reporting all together in order to pursue his lifelong passion of being a BINGO caller in Salt Lake City. We decided to check in with Buck to see what was really going on.

“The sound of the balls carelessly careening through the roller. The soft fluttering of ink stamps as I yell out F-19. The soft hum of the old folks on their hover rounds. I love it. You just can’t get this type of lethargy anywhere else and you can’t get anyone more boring to call a game this boring than me. It's like we were made for each other.” Buck said when asked about his career change.

We asked why he was giving it up now in the midst of the prime of his broadcast career. Sports seemed like his calling, his father has been a popular sports announcer, he had been a popu…announced sports, so why would he give it all up now and move away to somewhere like Utah.

“Why Salt Lake City? Because it’s me, it’s my style. No personality, mundane, severely understated, no alcohol, no strip clubs, it’s boring, it’s no fun, it’s…me.”

We wondered “Why not report for the Jazz or one of Salt Lake’s other sports teams, like--The Jazz” which Joe of course replied “Everybody knows I was bored to death reporting sports. Have you ever listened to a game I called? I couldn’t care less what was going on because I actually couldn’t care less about what’s going on. My passion is the tedium and banality of BINGO! BINGO BABY! If there was anything I was more suited for, I just don‘t know what it would be.”

When we then inquired about an example of some of what a BINGO callers finer moments would entail, Buck actually slightly raised his voice to a semi-enthusiastic level and replied:

“You gotta feel the excitement when some 78 year old retiree screams a raspy voiced “BINGO!” right before she has a massive coronary and we have to break out the defibrillators. Listen to how mundane I make the miraculous sound. Hear how I can make the most complex and amazing athletes seem as though they are just run of the mill Joe Nobody schmucks? Old people eat that demeanor up. No loud noises, no boisterous crowds to interfere with my soothing voice. These people love me because of who I really am, which is just an average caller who won’t make any sudden movements or raise my voice to a level that would scare their grandchildren and/or cats.”

We couldn’t in our right mind believe JB wouldn’t miss the fun and excitement of getting pumped up to telecast football on Sunday’s with Troy Aikman. The atmosphere, the adrenaline, living every child’s fantasy of hanging out and talking sports with their favorite professional athletes. But, apparently not Joe...

“This is basically the same thing. I’m up on the podium reporting the action in my most lifeless and monotonous voice possible, while some old guy standing next to me with a I got nothing going on upstairs look on his face drools all over himself and keeps mumbling incoherently while I‘m calling out numbers. So it‘s kinda like baseball season with Tim McCarver, except by ‘kinda,’ I mean ‘exactly.’ The only difference between Troy and Tim is that at least Aikman has a reason to sound like he‘s suffered from multiple concussions. I mean Aikman has taken more shots to the head than a whack-a-mole machine at a Chuck E. Cheese. During commercial breaks we have an intern come in and put a mirror under his nose to make sure he‘s still breathing. He dozed off during a commercial once and we called the EMT. Even though he’s not even playing football anymore the guy has to wear a helmet if he gets within 60 yards of a football stadium. That’s actually part of our insurance policy. Bingo is light years better than football and baseball. Most of these BINGO fanatics may suffer from the same debilitating health problems as my Fox counterparts, but trust me when I say that these senior citizens are my core fan base…”

After being queried into what he would miss most about broadcasting live sporting events Joe merely replied, “Secretly belittling every single thing the Boston Red Sox ever accomplished.” Apparently he feels the same way about people “jumping the gun” which in BINGO terms means a player yells out BINGO before actually having BINGO. This is much like what Joe would do to the Red Sox, even if the game was over and the Red Sox had won, Joe would always find a way to make it sound like Boston had somehow come up short during the telecast. Especially when they beat the Yankees…

“I’d love to just deck those people who jump the gun…” said Buck, “…but I just don’t have the energy to do anything more than stand sill for hours on end in a drab suit and give uninspired commentary on the many exciting things going on around me. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s Mormon Women’s League Night and if I keep them waiting they’ll threaten to banish me to a hell that unbeknownst to me is actually somewhere OUTSIDE of Salt Lake City.”

And off he shuffled into the small church auditorium where one could hear the faint rumblings of a life alert bracelet. A far cry from the baseball cathedrals and football coliseums he had become so accustomed to. A man in search of his dreams in city by the lake. A man who had found his calling, in calling.

Goodbye to the man who gave us the call on McGwire’s 62nd home run, the tepid call on the Eli to Tyree Super Bowl catch and countless hours of enthralling banter with the likes of Chris Myers, Tim McCarver and Troy Aikman. Who will we get our lifeless, humdrum commentary from come Sunday next year? At this point we are too broken up to follow up on that lead. But if this reporter was to guess, I’d say Comedy Central might just have to unfreeze Ben Stein.

Brett Favre retirement letter secrets (originally published after 1st retirement)

2009-09-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre has really, for serious this time retired; ending over a year of speculation on how many off-seasons he would partake in saying he'd like one more shot at winning a Super Bowl. Many believe the second retirement will stick, but others question why he'd go one and done with the Jets.

Some say that he didn’t want to further tarnish his reputation after his last retirement caused weeks of terrible media coverage between himself and Packer management. He has an adoring fan base in Wisconsin and wherever John Madden’s tour bus is parked this week, so when news that Favre had already decided to retire this early into the off-season, it left some surprised, while others saw it as a sign that the QB was finally going to hang the spikes up for good.

However, we at the BMDP know the real reason Brett will finally be riding into the NFL sunset. Favre felt so bad about casting such a harsh shadow on the NFL over the past year, that he decided to go ahead and write a letter in order to get some secrets he’s been keeping under wraps all these years, off his chest. Unfortunately for him, airing his dirty laundry has raised some eyebrows down at the Commissioner’s Office and they aren’t quite sure Brett was the man, myth and legend they originally thought he was...

Here is a list of things the quarterback divulged in his retirement letter. ..

I know I can still play this game. I threw 62 touchdowns my first season of Madden 09’. However the game had a glitch and kept referring to me as Tom Brady.

I once snuck a pair of my Wrangler Jeans into the Hall at Canton just to see how’d they’ look in one of the cases. I have to say I am embarrassed that they didn’t look half as good a Joe Namath’s pantyhose.

I’m the last true NFL competitor. To be honest I threw all those interceptions just to keep it close…

Once fought a Ford 450-Super Duty just to see who was “tougher.” Answer: Me.
The secret to my consecutive games streak…day spas.

I don't think I'm saying anything that everybody didn't already know, but Mike Homgren is really just a well disguised walrus.

Once in 1992 I killed a Blackula by throwing a wooden stake 70 yards on a rope and straight through his heart. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. I thought you should know.

The reason I never missed a game was because I needed the money for my pain pill addiction.

John Madden and I were married in 2002 in San Francisco. It was a small ceremony that took place in an Ace Hardware store. BOOM! Our honeymoon was a bus ride to Graceland. It was magical.

I once removed my spleen with just an ax and a staple gun. I threw 3 touchdowns that game.

Barry Sanders…robot.
I’m lactose intolerant. I don’t even like cheese.

My frst year in Green Bay I thought that "Lambeau" was just the french word for "cold as hell."

For Halloween, one year I went dressed as Kerry Collins. And I’ve thrown twice as many interceptions ever since.

In order t get ready for the regular season, I used to go out to bars with Reggie White and make him break bar stools over my head.

The reason I throw the ball so hard is in the off-season I practice by throwing cinderblocks at parked cars and Bears fans.
I once kicked a brick through a Chevy Impala .

I have an Arizona Cardinals football phone.

There’s Something about Mary…yeah, it’s the fact that she’s really a dude. It should really be called “There’s something about Marty.”

I survived Katrina because I built an Arch just by willing giant pieces of wood together. I then took two of everything, except for Bears, Lions and Vikings.

Those tears I cried when I retired last year…I was really just thinking about the season finale of Gilmore Girls.

When I really do retire, Steve McNair and I are going to do a remake of the Odd Couple. It’s going to be called “Nails and The Glass Man.”

When Strahan sacked me for the record and I went down without a fight…I just wanted a hug.

Adam “Pacman” Jones' Son Causes Chaos at Local Chuck E. Cheese

2009-09-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

Chuck E Cheeses reports that Tommy Kelly’s birthday party was recently marred by violence when 6 year old son of Cowboys cornerback “Pacman” Jones, Frogger Jones, reportedly broke into a ticket machine at a local Chuck E Cheese and afterward armed with a backpack full of yellow prize tickets he threw his tiny arms up and “made it rain.”

Chaos erupted within the usually tranquil family establishment as dozens of children leapt to there feet and made a mad dash for the thousands of tickets strewn about the skee-ball lanes and multi-colored ball pits as the situation escalated when the panic spread to several other birthday parties and even the giant mouse himself couldn’t regain control of the ticket frenzied mob.

All hell broke lose when Jones screamed “come get yo tickets bitches,” and hundreds of screaming children from ages 6 to 13 all converged on the ticket machine like a pack of rabid wolverines; knocking over tables, chairs, giant costumed characters and basically rendering the restaurant a flashing, ringing war zone.

Things escalated when even the most well mannered group of Mormon children got completely out of control and started violating a skee-ball machine. Little Frogger himself was angered by the ensuing mob and ended up slamming a birthday boy’s head against a Dance Dance Revolution machine while screaming at the top of his little lungs “Do you know who I am? Who’s dancing now son!?!” The little boy’s name was withheld from reports, but according to a Chuck E. Cheese employee, the little boy turned 10 that day and sadly left his party with only that many baby teeth still intact.

The child was able to regain consciousness for long enough to collect a few hundred of the much sought after tickets which he used to get himself some Chuck E. Band-Aids and some Chuck E. Crutches. Unfortunately, he was unable to enjoy his much anticipated Hannah Montana cake.

Tiny Nike imprints were everywhere as the mob (all hopped up on pizza and Mountain Dew) took to destroying the restaurant, tipping over video games, dismantling skee-ball machines, raising havoc in the ball pit and then mocking and ultimately destroying the band of singing bears that plays shows in the Chuck E. Cheese Dining Hall. Destruction estimated at over $15,000 was not all that resulted from the melee as the restaurant is now missing several chairs, numerous birthday cakes, several air hockey pucks and an entire member of the “Country Bear Jambaroo.” Anyone who has information on the whereabouts of “Ban Jo Bear” or “Jasper T. Jowls” is asked to alert the proper authorities immediately.

Management at the restaurant say they have never seen anything like the anarchy and panic that ensued when little Frogger threw those tickets in the air. The Company now says it will beef up ticket machine security and take all the necessary precautions for future birthday extravaganzas, while adding that if Mike Vick’s son ever wants a party, Chuck E. Cheeses has a “no animals allowed policy” that pertains to everything except for giant vermin.

A letter from God addressed to NE Patriot fans... (published 09.SEP.08)

2009-09-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Patriot Fans,

I know your probably standing on the edge of a bridge right now because you think your football season is over. And I regret to inform you that this indeed will be the winter of your discontent. Look, I know you think football season (life) is now over for you, but it’s not like I ended the career of your beloved Tom Brady. It could have been much, much worse. Just ask Joe Theisman.

Let’s face it Boston, you’ve had a great run on my watch. But yesterday at around 1:10 EST we had to shut down Heaven because you flooded our servers with your prayers. While I applaud your zeal, we just can’t keep up with all the sports related prayers in Boston all of the time. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but I’ve got a few more pressing issues, like war, famine, AIDS, cancer, the bloodcurdling holy war that’s quickly approaching…

You know how many people said my name in vain yesterday? 115 million and about 100 million of those came from the state of Massachusetts alone. A guy in Gillette Stadium said it 142 times; a new record. Un-be-lievable. Seriously you guys are soooooo dramatic when it comes to your sports. We haven’t had a prayer avalanche like this since the 86’ World Series. At least the answers to those prayers were simple. The answer to the first question was “no not this year,” and the answer to the second question was “No I can’t carpet bomb it, I don’t even know where Bill Buckner lives.”

That was the also the night heaven got the most prayers it’d seen since D-Day. Coincidentally, that was also the night that we saw a dramatic increase in atheism and it also set the record for “most people to die from alcohol poisoning.” We were very busy that night. I’m talking standing room only. We had a line out the door a mile long. I’m talking opening night of a Star Wars sequel long. I couldn’t believe it. We lost less Catholics during The Crusades.

My Sundays are busy enough without you praying for Randy Moss touchdowns and for every Wes Welk-ah slant to go for a first down. (By the way I have no idea how that guy does it. I created the slant route for slow white receivers, but that guy should be earning royalties for it.) There are 31 other NFL teams, not to mention Kurt Warner’s wife who NEVER leaves me alone. You’re just going to learn to appreciate what you have. I know Tom is. I mean have you seen that girlfriend of his? That’s some of my primo work. He’s not missing anything by spending a few months alone with her.

I don‘t know what else to do for you Boston fans. It’s never enough. I finally gave in a few years ago and gave you that World Series title that you had been so desperately praying for like, 80 years. I was growing very tired of the whining and quite frankly, I couldn‘t stand it anymore. I mean with the accent, and the foul language, the prayers were sounding less and less like prayers and more like a Drop Kick Murphy’s concert.

And to show I was a good sport about it, I went ahead and gave you another ring last year. Then I gave your beloved Celtics a title when I got inside Kevin McHale’s head and made him trade you Kevin Garnett. Not to mention the 3 other Super Bowl rings I gave your Pats over the last few years. Even I couldn’t believe you beat the Rams. Last year you got Randy Moss for a 4th round pick! This streak of wild luck had to come crashing to a halt at some point. And that’s what today was about.

Injuries like this happen. I’ve been telling Peter for years, they just need to invent a Robocop-like suit of armor to put on these guys so stuff like this doesn’t happen over and over again. It’s not an accident the Pope’s car is encased in bullet proof glass. Contrary to what you believe, I can’t be everywhere at once people and I certainly didn’t construct the human body to strap on plastic helmets and run into each other at high speeds. Either get better pads or get used to things snapping and breaking when you slam yourselves together.

And if I may be perfectly honest, I don’t even like the NFL. Anything that competes for my attention on Sunday (MY day) is subject to my wrath. Therefore anyone who plays it is on his own. Besides, I don’t like football. I like the sweet simplicity of baseball. That’s why I’m a Cubs fan.

And for the love of Me, all you New York Jets fans can quit thanking me in your prayers now. You too Cassell

I’m sorry New England,

God

P.S. - There is no reverse aging process that will ever be able to bring Larry Bird back into playing shape. His lower back is held together by thin tubes of glass and paper mache, so stop asking.

P.S.S. - I don't want to be seeing one of those Hitler vidoes about this thing either...

'Million Dollar Man' Ted DiBiase Declares Bankruptcy

2009-06-07T22:58:00.001-07:00

Money Money Money…

…No Money

With the United States slowly slipping into the depths of a complete economic recession amid rising fuel costs, a credit crisis and a housing market teetering on the brink of a complete collapse, one would think that the rich would still thrive while the poor simply had to push their cars to work. However, it seems that even the rich are feeling the steely grip of economic recession.

"Everyone's got a price," The Million Dollar man used to eloquently state to opponents such as Rowdy Roddy Piper and Superfly Jimmy Snuka right before he struck them in the face with a folding chair. "Everyone's got to pay."

Sadly, now it looks like it's Mr. DiBiase himself, who has taken a folding chair to his face, as the US economic meltdown has left him almost penniless. The only thing folding in former "King of the Rings" life right now is his fledgling Million Dollar Corporation.

"I had to fire Virgil again," said the despondent DiBiase as he packed his desk belongings into an uncharacteristicly bland cardboard box. "We'd been together for 20 years. Then one day I turn on CNBC and poof, it's all gone. Damn that Jim Cramer and his Mad Money! I wish I still had my folding chair factory so I could grab one and pop that red haired bastard in the mouth. Booyah! Right to that ugly mug of his! Stock Pick of the Week: Buy high in dentistry."

Alas, Jim Cramer can't be the only one to blame. It seems that Million Dollar Corp. has been riding the slow train to Bankruptsville for quite some time now. The company dealt mostly in commodities that DiBiase himself knew the most about. Things such as bow ties, diamond encrusted chalices, Sapphires, non-toxic face paint, HGH, folding chairs, ostentatious suits that would make both Elvis and Liberace puke in their own mouths, etc, etc.

"I should have known when the Hart Foundation went under, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat had to sell both his dragon and his steamboat…we were getting ready to bottom out," said a the former Million Dollar Man.

DiBiase trusted most of his money and control in Million Dollar Corp. to his long time accountant and former tag team partner Irwin R. Schyster. It turns out Schyster was a much better wrestler than accountant; and that's not saying a whole lot. In only a matter of a few short years Schyster took the once thriving corporation from "King of the Ring" to "Summer Slammed."

Some claimed his accounting credentials were more than a bit shady and many questioned his educational background. Schyster always claimed that he graduated Magna Cum Laude from the prestigious Wharton School of Business, but those close to the accountant say that he was no more accredited than simply having one of those degrees that you could order by mail. Others swear that his degree was nothing more than a vague description of an ITT Tech commercial written on the back of a Denny's placemat. But, by the time anyone at the Million Dollar Corporation could question unwise investment strategies, the company was in ruins.

No more fancy stretch limousines. No more bourgeois suits. No more prestigious WWF titles. No more money, money, money.

"Had to sell my suits to Mathew Lesko, that wild-eyed ? Mark suit guy from those commercials. You know, the ones where he jumps around and screams about all this free money the government is giving away. Apparently there's a government program to help low level television personalities afford gaudy diamond encrusted suits. As a businessman, I find that to be suspect. You ever seen those commercials? That guys hopped up on something. I wouldn't be surprised if he uses that money to fund a meth lab somewhere…"

As for the famous Million Dollar Belt, that goes to the only personality with more money and less tact than the former Tag Team Champ. "Donald Trump. He's the only damn person that can afford anything now," Ted said disgustedly. "It just goes to show that you can buy the belt, you can buy diamonds to encrust the belt, you can buy help to carry the belt, but you can't buy class to go with the belt."

And so it seems the Million Dollar Dream is finally over. Another victim of a worldwide economic nosedive that seems far from over. The Dream is looking more and more like a Million Dollar Nightmare at this point. Ted DiBiase aka The Million Dollar Man, has filed Chapter 11 and declared bankruptcy. A melancholy end to a prestigious career.

When I asked how the public should refer to him now that his famous moniker is no longer relevant, he said, "I dunno, I guess I'll just have to go by Regular Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase."

With his cardboard box of mementos Regular Dollar Man Ted DiBiase walked slowly down the street. Drinking Night Train out of a brown paper bag and singing his entrance music alongside longtime pals The Ultimate Warrior and Koko B. Ware, the once proud WWF Superstar disappeared into the night. Just a few more casualties of the waning popularity of professional wrestling. A few more casualties of a toxic economy.

Madden Code of Conduct

2009-06-07T22:56:00.001-07:00

Men have lived upon the Earth for thousands of years. We have constructed buildings of unimaginable complexity and beauty, we have traveled great distances into the cosmos in order to appease our unending curiosity of our place in the universe and men have fought numerous wars that shed the blood of their fellow man in order to guard their belief in unalienable freedoms. And through these times men have always lived by a strict code of conduct.

- Never leave a man behind unless he's with a hot woman or he's sober enough to hail a cab.

- Never welch on a bet.
- Never sleep with another man's ex unless getting the OK from said man before hand,. So in simple terms, never sleep with another man's ex.

- Free beer is for drinking and not for complaining about brand selection.
- And under no circumstances outside of another guy setting either you or your mother on fire are you allowed to kick/punch/throw something at another man's testicles.

With today's release of Madden 2009, I think it's about time somebody laid down the "Man Code for Madden." Douchebags and dirty players alike have been running amuck for too long now and I think it's high time someone laid down some ground rules for the most popular sports game since RBI Baseball.

1. Never run the clock out.
This is what is refer to in the sports gaming community as a "bitch move." I'm not talking about using a specific play or plays to actually burn time off the clock, because that's just game management and good coaching. I'm talking the score is 23-20 with a minute and half left and someone is using the kneel button to run out the clock.
##M:[more Madden Code of Conduct]##

First of all there shouldn't even be a kneel-down button because it's garbage and unfathomably insulting to any opponent that isn't the computer. It's especially insulting when the opponent has mounted and epic fourth quarter comeback, only to have Matt Hasselback take a knee three consecutive times inside his own 20. A move like this is grounds for a prison style beating after the clock runs out and depending on the situation, if you take a loss like this then the next time you play you are within your rights to remove the off-sides penalty when your opponent goes to get another beer and then when he least expects it, you get a running start and completely blow up Hasselbeck before he even snaps the ball. Just lay him out. I'm talking a helmet to helmet contact that would make Troy Aikman forget where he was just by watching it.
You don't have to pass, you can run any play from the Goal Line package, but you cannot kneel down under any circumstances.

2. Don't use the Patriots unless you are:

A) In the top 1% of New England Patriot fans

B) You've never played before and your opponent has a distinct experience advantage

C) Your opponent has picked one of the All-Time-All-Madden Teams

The only thing that John Madden has more of a hard-on for than Brett Favre is the New Enlgand Patriots. Look, I know Tom Brady is a good quarterback and the Patriots have always been a solid team (that knew the other teams plays) with an above average defense, but the video game Pats are the equivalent to Tecmo Bo.

Impossible is their M.O. Every Brady pass is on a rope to his inconceivably adept receivers and every small defensive mistake turns into a 85 yard touchdown. Every time your QB holds the ball more than 4 seconds you get sacked and every ball over the middle is intercepted by Mike Vrabel. Look, until last year, Brady couldn't be considered THAT good and he still isn't THAT good.

But, it's been this way for the last 5 damn years. The only way to counter the smothering monstrosity that is the Madden Patriots is to use Peyton Manning's laser rocket arm or to use dog fighter extraordinaire Mike Vick to scramble past a line backing corps that is a combined 387 years old. Now that Vick is behind bars (I'm assuming there aren't any prison teams on Madden 09) the only fair match-up is Pats is vs. Colts or the oft overlooked Pats vs. Pats. Otherwise you're just being a dick.

So unless your truly uber fan #1, have named his kid Bruschi, have a Pats tattoo somewhere on your body, are related to someone in the Kraft family, or are playing against Peyton Manning, do us all a favor and please pick another team.

3. Hazing/harassing/embarrassing an opponent who has obviously been beer bonging Jose Quervo all night is uncalled for and unsportsmanlike

Although you are not required by man code to take it easy on him in lieu of his intoxication level, you should keep the comments and criticism to a semi-professional level. This means no jabs at his employment status, his sister's promiscuity, or the fact that he in fact has the hand eye coordination of a nine year old girl during a dizzy bat race.

This is of course unless you yourself have been partaking in Jager Bombs all night. Then it's known that the playing field's been leveled out and one should show no mercy in letting your inebriated opponent know why Eli Manning is still a fluke and a failure.

4. Instant Replay is off-limits

Nobody wants to see watch their futility in super slow motion, no matter how awesome you think the play was. Under no circumstances should you make your opponent endure a slow-motion recap of how much they suck at video football. Not only does it screw up the flow of the game, it's also just insulting. You didn't actually make that tackle/throw/catch and you're not a professional sports analyst, so spare me the frame by frame Mr. Madden.

The only time I've ever used the instant replay was when my buddy, a rabidly obnoxious Patriots fan and I were playing Madden and he was spouting off at the mouth (as most Pats fans and Jets fans are known for) about how inexplicably awesome and god-like Tom Brady was.

After a few disparaging remarks about my mother and another speech about Tommy Boy being not unlike Jesus Christ in football pads, Julius Peppers came weak side and blindsided the poster boy with a bone rattling hit that bent his back in such a way that his spine actually contorted to resemble the letter C. As in, C you next year when I get the feeling in my legs back or I did not C you and now I am able to taste my spleen.

I remarked that the hit was so vicious that someone at EA would probably have to call Mr. Brady up in the middle of the night and let him know that he in fact was deceased on Madden 2007. I put such a vicious hit on him that he'd no longer be capable of functioning as a player on the game and may God have mercy on his battered soul.

Tom Brady suffered a career ending back injury that night, much to the chagrin of Brady uber alles sitting to my right. The play turned the tide of the game and nearly left my opponent in tears. In other words, it was a glorious moment for everyone in the room who was not from New England. I ended up destroying Matt Cassell's Patriots that game and Super Fan #1 had to sit there and watch me make Gretzky's head bleed.
And let me tell you, we saw that play from EVERY CONCIVEABLE ANGLE!

5. No phone calls with girlfriend and/or wife during the game

Unless she's calling from:

A) jail

B) the hospital

C) a bed in which she is naked with another woman

A player is not to take a call from a better half that exceeds 1 minute in length. This is not a rule, this is a law. None of your friends want to hear about your numerous relationship problems or the various reasons for your domestic squabbles (like you spend too much time playing video games with your drunken friends) while immersed in the spirit of competition.

That is why there is a one minute cap on all phone calls with only these exceptions:

- Your buddy at the store buying beer/grilling materials needs an opinion

- The hot girl from work needs directions to your apartment

- The game is in the last 2 minutes and the phone call is a bonafide emergency

- Somebody has to flip the burgers

- Your buddy at the bar is talking to the Swedish water polo team
Â Any phone call exceeding a minute in length means that the player in question must relinquish his controller to the person in closest proximity to you or the guy that screams "I'll play for you!" You are then required to go either outside or in another room to finish whatever business you have on said phone and will not get your controller back until the group recognizes that all business has indeed been taken care of and another conversation will not again interrupt the current game.

6. Shenanigans is a privilege not a right

I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next person who says shenanigans!

Hey Farva, what's that restaurant you like that has all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

You mean Shenanigans?

Ohhhhhhh!?!

Shenanigans is a very touchy subject in the gaming community. Or at least it is where I come from. If you play enough Madden, you are bound to come across some of the most ridiculous and asinine plays in football history. Whether it's some 5 foot 6 receiver making a leaping catch while fighting off 4 players in the secondary to pick up the first down, a running back bouncing off six defenders in the backfield to break a ninety yard run or folding Tom Brady's spine like a lawn chair with Scoliosis; a player is bound to come across a play or two a game that make you question what the people at EA where thinking, but that's no reason to get wildly upset and is rarely a reason to quit a game mid-stream.

These plays usually happen for both teams, so a player should always understand that what goes around comes around. Yeah, sometimes the play is so inconceivable that you might throw a controller to the ground or it may cause you to question your opponents moral compass, but there are only rare cases where a player can actually utter the word that holds a player and EA sports accountable for what can only be described as complete and utter bullshit.

That word is shenanigans and it is a word so full of venom and spite, that if the word is overused by a player it can actually be used on said player. That's calling shenanigans on shenanigans and the makes you a "shenanigoat" (a person that uses shenanigans as a scapegoat. It's a complicated system.)

The rules for shenanigans are as follows:

A) It has to be used sparingly. More than once a day is cause for suspect and more than once a game is grounds for revoking playing privileges.

B) The play in question has to either tie the score or put the game out of completely out of reach. Otherwise you're just being a pansy.

C) If the play in question is agreed upon to be shenanigans, the person who completed the play must not bring said play up for the duration of the contest, even if it turns out to be the winning play.

No one likes to lose and even more so, no one likes to be lose by means of pure luck for their opponent. So no rubbing it in, even if a Gramtica brother somehow managed to kick a 70 yard field goal into a 10 mph wind to win a game in overtime and didn't even sprain his ankle during the celebration.

These are just a few of the rules to keep in mind when you play your brand new copy of Madden 09 today. These rules are here for everyones benefit. We must abide by the rule, â€œHonor among men and most importantly honor among Madden. Speaking of which, happy gaming to all those people staying home from work and suffering from the mysterious 24 hour flu that's suddenly making the rounds.

...Shenanigans.

John Daly 2008 Golf

2009-06-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

Do you like enjoy professional golf, but often tire of the tedium of always being quiet and sober out on the course. Do you enjoy playing Golden-Tee at the bar, but always become distracted by your buddy constantly puking on the pinball machine or the hot blonde in the low cut shirt playing pool at the table next to you? Worry no longer my friend as Blue Monkey Disco Party has created a game that combines the rowdiness of the bar, the fun and excitement of alcohol poisoning and all the T&A that you can shake your 3-wood at. Light up them Marlboro's and welcome to John Daly 2008.

John Daly 2008 will be equipped with the latest in video game technology, as new video game company BAL has developed a computerized breathalyzer accessory that hooks straight into your game console and let's your PS3 or X-Box know when your blood alcohol level has reached a sufficient enough level to compete with an uber-lete like Mr. Daly . Better break out your beer helmets and saddle up to the bar before hitting the links with Johnny boy, because you're gonna need to blow a .12 to even get the game to turn on.

Gamers will have to purchase the breathalyzer pack separately for $69.99, but it's a necessity in order to get the true John Daly Golf experience. Fortunately, the breathalyzer pack comes with two beer "holsters" for players to keep their cold ones close by while in the heat of competition. It also includes a "Camel Caddy" for the golfer too focused (or unfocused) to stumble 20 ft back to the cart for his smokes. A med-alert bracelet, which players are supposed to write their blood type on. And finally, defibrillators, which players will probably get good use out of as they advance further and further in the game.*

If you start to feel the any of the following :

- light headedness

- inability to operate heavy machinery

- insatiable hunger for wild turkey and Wild Turkey

- the need to take your shirt off

You are ready to start swinging the sticks with Big John!

While the game play is sort of wobbly/fuzzy and it can become increasingly hard to keep your balance as you shotgun beers before each hole, players will have all sorts of sordid obstacles to overcome in order to advance into the championship level. Some of the challenges throughout the game are:

Trying not to ogle the girl in the Hooters outfit that's looping for you while studying your putts

Passing up all the sponsor tents lining the fairways with signs that say "Open Bar"

Have to smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds by the turn or you receive a two stroke penalty

Game is obviously made to give players with the physique of a pregnant walrus a distinct advantage

It turns out that all your rowdy friends have not actually settled down and they're in the gallery with air horns

Daly crushes a 300 yard drive = you crushing a tequila shooter

Trashy women in Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirts will flash you and try to throw off your concentration

Hired that guy that played Tony D'Annunzio in Caddyshack to follow you around and yell "Noonan…MISS IT!"

No shirt, no shoes, no problem. No beer--immediate disqualification

And if you are lucky enough to get to the final match without succumbing to alcohol poisoning or passing out, you'll be able to go toe to toe in match play with JD himself. Players barley able to stand need not worry, as the final 18 is all carts, all the time. When your at the zenith of athletic condition…there's no reason to walk!

And you better beat him in the 18 allotted, otherwise things get ugly as the play-off system is just a shot drinking contest -- whoever finished a bottle of Old Crow first is declared the champion and is presented a trophy by the president of Schlitz Brewing, a 20% off coupon for Hooters and a free stomach pump at the hospital of your choice.

John Daly 2008 is fun for all shapes, sizes and alcohol preferences. So, lock you car keys in a safe place and send the kids to bed early, it's time to play a round with the only golfer you know who's name isn't Tiger Woods.
* Players will also be able to use the accessory for the upcoming release: Drum Hero starring Keith Moon. Cases of whiskey and Heminevrin will be sold separately. Consult your doctor if you show symptoms of trying to drive your Corolla into a pool.

MLB Mid-Season Movie Awards

2009-06-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

The Pedro Cerrano Award for "Straight Ball I Hit It Very Much. Curveball, Bats Are Afraid" Award
Seattle Mariners - Richie Sexson - .210 - 9 HR 23 RBI
Sexson, who claimed that injuries led to last years struggles at the plate is once again off to a power surge start belting 9 hr in his first 60 games while batting a not-so astonishing .210. If Sexson is somehow able to keep his job and keep hitting about one out of every four fastballs he sees, they are going to have to rename the Mendoza line the Sexson line. Of course coining that phrase will cost Seattle about $12.5 million a year.
*If you play fantasy baseball, you should only draft this guy if your league has a category for distance.

The Crash Davis Award for Season Going Under The MLB Radar
Texas Rangers - Ian Kinsler - .312 - 13 HR - 50 RBI - 20 SB
As was in Bull Durham, so is the Texas Rangers season. The Rangers acquired the enigmatic Josh Hamilton this past off-season and when he got to Arlington (the most hitter friendly park in the MLB) he got down to the business of hitting. And so far, he's hitting damn near everything and getting the press that goes along with it. However, the Ranger's second baseman has been equally involved in keeping the Rangers afloat a tight AL West race. In his sophomore season, Kinsler has been the prototypical lead- off man by setting the table for the powerhouse behind him and is the leading reason that Hamilton and RF Milton Bradley are having career years in runs batted in. Yet, you probably won't see any cover stories about this guy, but so far, he's been one of the most productive players of the 2008 season.

The Rookie of the Year Rookie Of The Year Award
AL - Tampa Bay Rays - Evan Longoria - .267 - 15 HR - 47 HR- 4 SB
Longoria has been all that he was advertised as. After sitting out the first few weeks of this season because of contract issues, Evan Longoria has become to baseball fans what Eva Longoria is to housewives. The 22 year old is putting up some solid numbers on a team that has been lacking their premiere power hitters all season long. It's safe to say he's part of the reason the Rays are playing well and it's safe to say if he keeps hitting the way he is now, he'll be a fixture in Tampa for years to come.

NL -Cincinnatti Reds - Edinson Volquez - 2.08 ERA - 10 W - 110 K's
He has been lights out for Cincy this season. The 24 year old currently ranks 2nd in the NL in wins and K's, while leading the NL in ERA. An unreal start for any pitcher, let alone a rookie who during spring training some though might even take a back seat to fellow rookie teammate Jonhhy Cuento for 2008's ROY Award. As it stands, Volquez has a very real chance of being this first rookie in a long time to complete the triple crown for pitchers, which is somewhat astounding when you realize that he plays for a Reds team that has loads of young talent. With Voquez, Cuento and CF phenom Jay Bruce being the cornerstones of the future in Cincy, the Cubs better batten down the hatches and find a way to win a World Series before it's too late.

The Roger Dorn "This isn't my bat" Award for The Player Who Has Been 0 For The Season and has to take one for the team
Arizona Diamondbacks - Eric Byrnes - .209 - 6 HR - 23 RBI - 4 SB
The word "fluke" comes to mind when looking back on Byrnes 07' campaign, where he batted close to .290, drove in over 80 runs and stole a career-high 50 bases. The guy is a career .260 hitter, had never stolen more than 25 bags in a season and oh yeah, he was almost 32 by the end of last season. Luckily for Byrnes, the entire Diamondbacks outfield is suffering the same anemic disorder this season, as the Arizona outfield is hitting a combined .225 average on the year, leaving many to wonder if maybe there's something in the grass that is sucking the life out of the bats of the players who roam the outfield. I can understand that most of the outfield is young and inexpirienced, but this is not so for the 32 year old Byrnes. He has no excuse for hitting .200 this far in the season. So Eric, if you are reading this, and you are in the hole 0-2 and a fastball gets away from the pitcher high and inside, it's time to do like Roger Dorn in Major League and take one for the team. And try and steal second while your at it...

The Sandlot Scotty "You're Killing Me Smalls" Award for Underachievement
Philadelphia Phillies - Ryan Howard - .215 - 20 HR - 61 RBI
He may have 68 RBI and he may have 20 HR, but Howard is currently hitting a paltry .215 for the year and is on pace to K a MLB record 230 times. That ladeis and gentleman is about 30 more times than the record of 199 set last year…by Ryan Howard. Most of his RBI are merely due to the fact that Chase Utley got off to an insanely hot start and Howard was fortunate enough to hit right behind him in the order. For any other team in the majors, Howard would be currently sitting at about 30 something RBI and a vote for him would be a wasted ballot for this years All-Star Game. The interesting thing about his situation is that the Phillies have been hesitant to give the power hitting 1st baseman any type of big money deal, even after he won the 2006 NL MVP. My money says that they were pretty certain that Howard was capable of such a monumental collapse in batting average, so they had a wait and see attitude when it came to signing Howard to a long term deal. All that Phillie fans and fantasy owners that root for Ryan Howard can currently say is "Aww, you're killing me Smalls..."

The Bad News Bear Tanner Boyle Award for Best Temper Tantrum Of The Year
Houston Astros - Shawn Chacon - For going Latrell Sprewell on his coach
If you're a baseball fan, you by now know the story of pitcher Shawn Chacon grabbing his manger by the neck and throwing him to the ground earlier this week, that coincidentally lead to the Astros decision to release the pitcher yesterday. And by the looks of his 5.04 ERA and 1.51 WHIP, it's safe to say it's probably the best release that Chacon has seen all season long. Of course the players' association has decided to file a grievance over the release because let's face it people, these days, when a player commits assault and battery on one of his coaches in a room full of teammates and other coaches, it's best to hold a formal investigation into the matter. I mean, it's only a misdemeanor people. Somebody has to look out for the immature millionaires in these situations. At least he didn't throw his glove at the guy rounding second after a home run.

Roy Hobbs "The Natural" Award
Texas Rangers - Josh Hamilton - .312 - 19 - 80 RBI
Unless you don't follow baseball or have been living under a rock this year, you should know the saga of former drug addict Josh Hamilton. He was the first pick of the 99' draft, got a $4 million dollar signing bonus and then proceeded to spend most of his money on drugs and was suspended from baseball after repeatedly violating the league's subatance abuse policy. From 02' to 06' Hamilton was out of baseball all together and spent a god portion of that time in and out of rehab facilities. Three teams and almost 8 years later, Hamilton is looking like the MVP calibur player that the Devil Rays (they were called that at that time) had drafted with the 1st pick of the draft. An amazing story, that while doesn't exactly share the same exact story that the movie did, it does in fact have some of the same story archs and both stories do parrallel the same come back from tragic, almost near death circumstances to play the game they were destined to excell at. Let's at least hope that both stories share the same happy ending.
*However, Josh Hamilton's story was one that he brought on himself and therefore I see it a less of a man befallen by tragic circumstances and more of a lesson of what not to do with a shit ton of money.

The Willie Mays Hayes "You May Run Like Hayes, But You Hit Like Shit" Award
Houston Astros - Michael Bourn - .230 - 4HR - 31 SB
Michael Bourn started the season by stealing 13 bases in his first 86 at bats. At that point in the season he was on pace to hit .200 and still steal 90 bases or so. Now the Astro lead-off man is hitting .230 through the first half and has only 31 SB on the year. If he bought a pair of batting gloves for every base he steals, I figure he'll get to use them about once every four games. He'll get to admire them nailed to his apartment wall right before he grabs his gear and heads out to his next game in the minors. Dude, you're a lead-off man, get the OBP above .300 or start stealing them two at a time.

If You Build It...Moonlight Graham Back From The Dead Award
Tampa Bay Rays - Edwin Jackson - 4.33 ERA - 4 W - 60K
I know this seems like a stretch, but one has to remember that Jackson came in with the Los Angeles Dodgers back in 2003 and put up a 2.45 ERA in 4 games. Thia may not sound that great, but at the time he was a mere 19 years old and was regarded by many to be one of the league's premiere pitching prospects. He had jetted through the minors with ease, but it seemed that in the 2004 season, it may have been too much too quick for the once heralded hurler. He posted an ERA of over 7, 6, then 5 and 5 over the next four seasons. It seemed like he might not get it together, but this year Jackson has once again flashed some signs of brilliance on one of the youngest and brightest pitching staffs in the MLB. He currently is the 4th pitcher for the best team in baseball (really?) Tampa Bay Rays. He's showed signs of his old self in arguably the best hitting division in baseball. Pretty good considering he's still just 24 years old. But, only time will tell if he can once again flourish in the spotlight or possibly flounder back into pitching obscurity.

The Engelburg Award for Player "Most Likely To Be Eating During A Game" Award
Cleveland Indians - C.C. Sabathia - 3.78 ERA - 118 K's - 290 lbs (according to his Yahoo! profile)
Look, I know it's hard to argue about a guy with an ERA under 4 and is currently on pace to strike out 250 guys this year, but early on in the season, C.C.'s ERA and waste line ballooned up to Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade proportions. I'm not claiming that his weight was having a direct correlation to his performance, but honestly the guy looked like he weighed at least 320. Even David Wells would have called him up and told him to hit the gym. I understand that some pitchers don't like to run or work out, but this is getting ridiculous. This guy is paid HUGE money to pitch and stay fit and he looks like the only grand slam that he's worried about is on the menu at Denny's. You don't have to be an "athlete" per say, with fleet feet and the swiftest of reflexes, but for God's sake, could you at least get your weight down to under 300 lbs in time for Spring Training. You aren't a linebacker sir, the only hit's you will be taking part in will start during inter-league play, OK?

Mr. Baseball Award for the MLB Player Most Likely To End His Career In Japan
Frank Thomas .258 7 HR 27 RBI
This could be the ultimate coincidence after the main character in this 92' movie (Tom Selleck) was replaced by a hot hitting rookie who was played by none other than Frank Thomas himself. I'm guessing "The Big Hurt," who's skills have been rapidly deteriorating the past few seasons, will end up finishing out his career somewhere in Japan. This would be a case of absolute sheer sports/film irony. That's what he gets for messing with the most magnificent mustache in cinema history.

The Eight Men Out Award for Most Prominent Player Looking For A New Job
FA - Barry Bonds - All-time HR leader and man only 65 hits away from 3,000
You thought Barry wanted to come back to help win a championship didn't you? I think it's because he is only a half season of hits away from the illustrious 3,000 hit club, in which he would become the 28th member if he should be able to come back and churn out another 65 hits. That of course would be big baseball news. Not the 3,000 hits, the news would be the public relations nightmare that would come along with a team signing Bonds at this point in the season when they know that (A) His records are probably tainted (B) His reputation is definitely tainted (C) He's facing perjury charges for lying to a grand-jury and obstructing the federal government's investigation into BALCO (D) He's never been a company man and that's not going to change any time soon. Bond's is known as a distraction in the clubhouse, but at this point he's turned into a clubhouse circus. Any team that has interest in the services of Barry at this point need to really look hard at what their options are before signing this once hallowed slugger. Shoeless Joe will have plenty of company when the Steroid Era finally comes to an end.

Next Great Sport: Baby Racing

2009-06-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

Some sports writers have rendered professional sports dead in the water, and I'm not talking about that time you played water polo with all those horses. I'm talking about real sports.

Professional sports have been in a tailspin in recent years. They've been sullied by exorbitant contracts, performance enhancing drugs, rising ticket prices and gold toothed prima donna wide receivers that play for your favorite professional sports franchise and refuse to shut their mouth and do the job they are paid handsomely to do. You know who you are!

But I'm here to tell you Joe sports fan, that some lesser known sports are alive and well, actually flourishing outside the mainstream spotlight. You won't see it on ESPN and the highlights certainly won't be broadcast on your local sports report. No, I'm not talking about cock fighting, Pedro. I'm talking about something a little less PETA and a little more Social Services. I'm talking about the untainted, unequivocal beauty of sport. I'm of course talking about World League Baby Racing.

Oh yeah, I'm talking about "The Beautiful Race." In some circles they are calling it the next Jai Lai. I think it's going to be even bigger. Not just because it's fun to watch (it is), but because in America, the merit a sport is given is directly correlated to it's gambleability That statement alone should explain exactly why soccer isn't popular on this side of the pond. We don't know enough about the teams to make a sound financial decision on it. I blame it on the fact that there are like 50 players named some variation Ronoldo and I can never seem to pick the right one.

From now on, my financial decisions are going to be put into two categories. Alcohol and betting on borderline child abuse. They both tell the story of my childhood, so why should I stop living the dream now. It's like having an inside information on a thoroughbred, except you don't have to worry about a horseshoe bending and affecting your pick, cause if you can't trust a nine month old toddler to keep focused and see something through to the end, then really who in this world can you trust? I don't want to live in a world where we deny our children the right to compete on such a grand and noble stage.

Now I'm not talking about recreational baby racing here; I'm talking about down and dirty, no holds bar, gritty no-nonsense baby racing. It's uber-competitive. It's intense. It's indubatable. It's truly the zeitgeist of the baby sports community.

World League Baby Racing shouldn't be confused with the American Baby Racing Association, which has gone underground after one of the competitors tested positive for steroids. It took 3 judges and a trank gun to bring that baby down. Spectators present during that race agreed that if she hadn't been subdued, she would have crawled right through the wall and probably beat up on a some drifter in the parking lot. After that ugly scene, baby racers had to lay low and wait for international competitions to compete in.

Mexican baby racing has seen it's share of difficulties as well, which is apparently held on the U.S.-Mexico border. Winner gets a green card and a life of opportunity, while losers get a free lunch and a bus ride back home. Some claim the only real losers are the hardworking American tax-payers.

The World League has strict regulations and promises a system to keep it's competitors clean. This is THE sport of the future dear sports fan. Unfazed gladiators, proudly mounted upon their strollers, riding into packed warehouses full of roaring revelers like they were chariots bursting through the doors of the Roman Colloseum. If horse racing is the sport of kings, baby racing is the sport of sovereign nations willing to turn a blind eye on infant exploitation. The pure, unsullied sport of tiny, tiny champions. It's all the rage with babies and toddlers in the 6 to 15 month crowd. For them it falls directly into the spectrum of awesomeness somewhere between SpongeBob and shiny things.

How do you train these miniature athletes? Most parents of competitors agree that babies need the proper motivation. To excel at such a competitive sport. Some parents have strict training regiments that their babe atarts the first day he or she hit's the delivery room floor. Other simply bring noise makers or objects to shake in front of their child in order to draw attention to the finish line. Things like car keys, spoons, empty whiskey bottles, air horns and in some cases just idle threats about going home a winner or going home to a local orphanage.

This years favorite was Irish born Sheamus McShay aka "The Red Lightning." Stories of his amazing feats of strength varied. Some said he was a merely wives tale, a baby fraud, an old wives tale that parents told their children to hype them up before an important race. Others say he is such an angry and determined competitor, while in the birthing room of a Dublin hospital, he was so tenacious that his mother didn't need a C-section, he simply punched his way out of the womb.

Odds makers were paying 3:1 on baby Sheamus, but McShay's father wasn't so sure his son was the clear favorite. "I dunno if meh bahby's got the mooooves," said the concerned father. "I'm fahley blitzed reaght new. I'm not evehn sssshure if that's the reaght beby."

But, McShay had an ace in up sleeve. McShay had brought a secret weapon to waive at his baby to coax him to the finish line.

"Adoptian pehpehrs. If he doon't cohm home a wihnner, he doon't cuhm home t'all."

Serious words from a very serious man. Neglecting to win is one thing, but neglecting to leave it all out on the track is simply unacceptable. And neglecting you children…well that for the courts to decide.

McShay may have had reason to be worried. This video shows why.

YO ADRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at that face people. That is the future of sports staring you right in the face with it's chubby cheeks and limited motor skills. Million Dollar Baby isn't just a movie about women's boxing anymore! Baby racing is what this world is all about. These tiny athletes will not lay queitly about in their caged cribs and be denied the chance to compete any longer! They will cry and scream and throw tantrums like you have never witnessed to compete in the sport that they so dearly love.

The children.

The children are our future. And what type of people would we be if we chose not to bet on our future?

I won't deny the future leaders of the world the chance to shine early and often. I'm not ashamed to say that I not only advocate World Baby Racing, but that I also degenerately gamble on it's outcome. I've got 7 G's riding on baby Sheamus to place. I haven't had this much fun betting on the outcome of a race since thy stopped letting the monkeys ride the "little ponies." Sport of the FUTURE people and that future is now.

And for all you children reading this article, who live in impoverished third world countries and spend your whole lives toiling away in some factory, dreaming of one day coming to America and striking it rich...

Get back to work! Baby Sheamus' Nikes aren't going to sew themselves! I've got a lot of money

Isiah Thomas, Jim Dolan and Larry Bird all walk into a bar....

2009-06-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

Isiah Thomas, Jim Dolan and Larry Bird all walk into a bar. If you think it sounds like a joke, you'd be right, I mean just look at their respective track records. After we heard about the Knick's owner Dolan having a preference to keep Isaiah intact as coach, we envisioned how Jim would break the news to Isiah without committing hara-kiri. Of course as Knicks fans know, no one in New York can bear to stand talking about the oft faltering team unless they're at a bar...

Dolan: Bartender, a glass of Merlot please.

Isiah: You buying Jim?

Dolan: No sir, I only take care of salaries and sexual harassment lawsuits. Ha ha, but seriously, no.

Isiah: I'm glad you still have confidence in me, I was getting worried I was gonna have to start looking for a new job.

Dolan: Hey your still in the play-off run, which is mind boggling figuring we're on a blistering pace to win no more than 23 games. (sigh) 23 games.

Isiah: Gotta love the Eastern conference.

Dolan: We've only won 20 games -- Barkeep, screw the glass just bring me the bottle!

Isiah: I got two words for how we're gonna turn this team around Jim.

Isiah: Tyler Hansbrough. The College Basketball Player of the Year. He's a sure thing Jim. Carolina is know for their spectacular white centers! Remember Eric Montros? Mitch Kupchak? Cherokee Parks!

Dolan: Kupchak, now there's another management genius. Wonder if we'll be able to bring him in if Bynum doesn't pan out? Wait, I think that last one is from Duke.

Isiah: They're all the same mold. Awesomely un-athletic Caucasian basketball royalty. It's like every team that ever played the Globetrotters--WE COULD BE THE TEAM THAT PLAYS THE GLOBETROTTERS JIM!

Jim: That would help attendance…and we might win more games… I dunno Isaiah, I think we'd be better off with someone like Beasly or Rose.

Isiah: OR, or--what about a tree. Like not a little one, like a big one, like an oak tree or a redwood. We'll plant it in the lane.

Dolan: That's what you said about Eddy Curry and that didn't seem to work out too well. However, I will say a tree may have a better vertical.

Isiah: The place is called "The Garden" Jim, people will eat it up. Hey there's Larry! Larry over here!

Dolan: (mumbling) Doesn't mean we should turn it into an arboretum…although that would help attendance. Jeez, who am I kidding the New York media would just end up hanging me from it.

Larry: Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Indiana Pacers, who sport the third best record of the Central Conference. That's right, winners of just a shade better than 40% of our games…

Dolan: Barkeep, I'm gonna need a shot of Belvedere…

Isiah: I was just telling Jim about my idea to play a tree at center.

Larry: Like Eddy Curry?

Isiah: No, like a big ass oak tree or even maybe one of those tall pine trees, like the one they have in the Times Square at Christmas. We need a big mother to stop Dwight Howard.

Larry: French Lick had great trees…I'll give you a second round pick and Jermaine O'Neal for this tree you speak of.

Dolan: Really, a pine tree? I'm gonna spend 30 mil for a pine tree? Like the one at Stanford?

Isiah: I hadn't even thought of that! Jim you're a genius. With the third pick of the 2008 NBA draft, the New York Knicks select, the Stanford mascot!

Jim: …And then they carpet bomb my house. Barkeep, you know what, no more wine, just mix up anything clear behind the bar in a bucket and throw a straw in it.

Larry: Heck, we got a guy named Travis Diener, ever heard of him?

Isiah: No

Larry: Either have I, but he runs the point in Indiana now. Drafted him at some point, I don't remember when. That's been our draft strategy of late, draft players no ones heard of and then nobody can be disappointed.

Dolan: Wait, we worked hard for our pick this year! I mean, uh, well, we tried to wor--well it just seems like an important pick. Too important to draft a tree.

Larry: I personally think that's a phenomenal decision. I would try and follow your footsteps, but the Pacers are moving in a new direction. We don't seem to be good at playing basketball anymore, so, well, we're turning the Pacers into a Fight Club.

Isiah: Now see that's a good idea. That's great, I mean I can't remember the Pacers being relevant since that night Artest punched the guy in the second row. See that's a GM for you. You're thinking outside the box Legend.

Larry: Yeah, we've got some real strict rules though, so don't tell anyone I told you. Gonna try and get Artest back and bring Bill Laimbeer out of retirement. Like our new slogan says "If you can't beat'em on the basketball court, beat'em in the parking lot on the way out." Or even in the stands cause we've really been struggling with a way to get the fans back involved.

Isiah: Nothing like a fist fight to get the people to start caring again. That's always been New York fan's motto.

Dolan: Bartender get me a bottle of Chivas and a funnel!

Isiah: You know I called Michael Jordan the other day to see who the Bobcats were gonna draft and he said something interesting. They don't even have a draft strategy, they just take the whoever is on the cover of Sports Illustrated at the beginning of college basketball season or the best available UNC undergrad.

Larry: So that's why they took Adam Morrison 3rd overall last year.

Isiah: They said he was the next you Larry.

Larry: Yeah, he's the white version of Larry Bird.

Isiah: You're white Larry.

Larry: But I didn't play like it. Plus I could rebound, run the floor, create space, pass, shoot the ball at better than 38%…

Dolan: And your mustache only made you look vaguely like a sexual predator.

Larry: Yessir.

Isiah: I think we picked Renaldo Balkman by pulling his name out of a hat.

Larry: We drafted Shawne Williams that draft.

Isiah: Who?

Larry: Exactly!

Dolan: Bartender bring me a gas can and a plastic bag to put over my head.

Isiah: I dunno Larry, maybe we're doing something wrong here. Maybe, we'd be better off just fishing or playing golf somewhere.

Larry: And just walk away from being a part of professional basketball?

Dolan: Impossible, you aren't a part of professional basketball because you don't play in the Western Conference.

Larry: Maybe it's just best if former NBA players just stay off the benches and out of the front office.

Isiah: I'll call Jordan and tell him if you call McHale.

Larry: Maybe we should all get a show on the NBA network?

Isiah: What about that high school girls team that's lost like all it's games the past few years. I mean that has to be the perfect situation for someone like me cause they're used to losing.

Dolan: Barkeep, as much crack as you can fit into a highball glass and a pack of matches.

Isaiah: Ahh, who am I kidding. I've got a great job! The owner still wants me around, right Jim?

Dolan: Yeah, but Donnie Walsh might not.

Isiah: Should I be worried? Maybe saving my money?

Dolan: I wouldn't buy any shoes that were more than the new Starbury's.

Isiah: Ha! I hate that guy. Spending $15 bucks on an over the hill shoes is still too much for me. That'd be a horrible financial mistake.

Dolan: You should be used to that by now…Check Please!

Dusty Baker's dog dies of exhaustion after Dusty forgets to put him on a fetch count

2009-06-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

Blue Monkey Disco Party has an exclusive story breaking out of Cincinnati today. It seems that the big news for the Big Red Machine this spring training doesn't pertain to phenom Jay Bruce manning center field or Joey Votto's defense at first base, but lies in the untimely passing of Dusty Bakers beloved dog Cubbie, a golden retriever who was a mere 3 years old when he succumbed to heart failure.

It seems that the Red's new manager had been training his pup for next year'S Purina Dog Challenge, but accidentally left a tennis ball machine on in his backyard over the weekend and the poor Golden retriever fetched and fetched until his little heart exploded after chasing what animal rescue workers believe to be well over 15,000 tennis balls.

When interviewed Baker spoke incredulously about the situation.

"I don't understand it. He should have been able to fetch that many tennis balls. I don't care what the so called 'experts' say about how much strain a golden retriever can handle. I've always thrown him 5000 balls a day and even knowing what I do now, would continue to throw him at least 5000 balls a day because that's what he liked and that's what it took for him to win. After games I used to make Kerry Wood come over and throw about 300 tennis balls as far as he could to help train the dog for the physical demands of a competition as excruciating as the PDC."

Apparently, Cubbie was gonna be a winner come hell or a Chicago championship, even if they came at the same time and were accompanied by the soundtrack of dislocating shoulders.

When asked if he thought that 5000 balls was maybe too much strain on such a young dog, Dusty simply replied "No, there is no evidence to suggest that. Show me the evidence. I don't believe in fetch counts. Never have, never will. Like I always told Cubbie, leave the fetch counts for the bitches in the poodle division. "

When a reporter remarked that the evidence lay in the fact that the dog basically excercised itself to death, Dusty became visibly upset and was remarkably angry with his reply.

"What do you know, you're not a veterinarian! Are you some sort of dog expert? No, you're a sports reporter. What would you know about dogs then? That's like a doctor telling me that pitchers arm is being over-used. I mean he's a doctor, where the hell does he get off telling me to do my job. He doesn't know baseball, he knows doctoring! I don't tell him how to perform Tommy John Surgery and he shouldn't decide when I should take my pitchers out of the game. It's that simple. He sticks with the scalpel and I'll stick to the bats!"

PETA is openly fuming after hearing of Cubbie's demise. They feel that this whole ordeal could have been bypassed if Dusty would have just listened to the dog's veterinarian and shown the common sense to put his dog on a fetch count like any rational pet owner would.

A rep for PETA exclaimed, "This is totally uncalled for. This could have been avoided if the man would have just listened to the people around him and showed a little caution. But no, he had to leave the machine on and just let it ride. And all for what? A years supply of Kibble and Bits? A spot in the prestigious Circle of Champions? Puppies need to be free to roam the green pastures of far off farms, to feel the wind on their paws and only fetch a Frisbee when they truly want to! BORN FREE, AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS…"

No word if the training was actually because the pup was in the mix for the center field job in Cincinnati, but word is that he was already hitting better than Norris Hopper, which was impressive given he had no arms and a slight astigmatism in his dominant eye.

A small memorial service will be held this Saturday in The Baker's backyard where the dog will be laid to rest in a small plot next to Mark Prior's labrum and Nefi Perez's career batting average. A Chicago fan who was close to the dog agreed that he was in now in a much better place and so too was Baker. When asked to elaborate he said of the former Cubs manager, "Better there, than here."

Touché my friend, touché indeed, for all Cubbies go to heaven, even though their former managers could certainly do the opposite.

Air Bud busted for steroid use

2009-06-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

Beverly Hills, CA - I.M.D.B.'s plot analysis for the Disney Film Air Bud: Golden Receiver is as simple as the "Story of a golden retriever who can play football," however today's allegations could change that plot line forever.

A new athlete was indicted today for the alleged use of Human Growth Hormone, as former Maine Senator and Disney Chairman George Mitchell added professional athlete and former employee Buddy the Dog AKA "Air Bud" to the growing list of athletes under investigation for using performance enhancing drugs to meet the ever evolving demand for bigger faster and stronger athletes in today's world of professional sports.

When tried to reach for comment yesterday, Bud could not be reached. Some say it's because he wants to put his sordid past behind him while others say it's because he has no opposable thumb and that makes it difficult for him to answer a touch tone telephone. In any case, when Bud or Buddy (to those close to him) was first questioned on a walk in Beverly Hills this morning, he seemingly ignored the barrage of reporters questions and treated the walk as if it were any normal day. When asked by a reporter from Fox News if he felt he had tainted the sports of basketball, baseball, volleyball football and soccer, Bud stared down the reporter barked loudly and then promptly defecated on his shoes.

Many remember Bud as Barbara Walters 2nd most fascinating animal of 2000 after his athletically dazzling performance in his second film endeavor Air Bud Golden Receiver. He was honored along with animal stars Beethoven, Dr. Zeus and Sigfried and Roy's white Bengal tiger (it's not the one your thinking of).

A source close to Bud who wanted to remain anonymous was reported to have helped Bud gain access to performance enhancing drugs by introducing his client to BALCO President Victor Conte, but confesses that he never thought things would escalate to the level that they did.

"Come on, they wanted bud to do all his own stunts. We had an agreement that it wouldn't get out of hand, but when the money started rolling in and the pressure really started to build…well, let's just say that shaking paws just doesn't mean what is used to in Hollywood."

As a father of an entire puppy soccer team (footy for all who aren't yanks) the question begs if Bud could have possibly tainted the entire canine professional soccer community? however, when questioned by reporters about his feelings on the alleged scandal Barry Bonds said he was disgusted and when told about the possibility the canine clear being administered to a group of young pups he reportedly had this to say:

"As far as I'm concerned giving children Human Growth Hormone to children or dogs is bad. I am against that. I know from personal experience that sort of high is bad on the body and can really wear on a person's nerves, so I can't imagine the havoc it would wreak on a 30 lbs golden retriever! And what the hell is a soccer? Is that some kind of made up sport? I'm not too familiar, so it must be one of those European sports like that croquet or that pansy ass baseball they play in England…hold on, did I just admit to using steroids…"

Some say that the death of dear friend and esteemed animal actor Benji is what sent bud over the edge. Others claim that the strain of always being in the public eye, trying to raise 10 puppies and all the while trying to stay in peak athletic condition was just to much for one dog to handle.

Bud's former manager was angry when questioned on the scandal and chastised the media for being overbearing. "Oh sure blame my client for being an animal that wants to perform at his highest level for his millions of adoring fans. Go ahead and blame him for wanting to give an audience their money's worth! But don't sit here and judge Buddy because my client had to be at peak athletic condition. He had to jump over an entire f@#%ing football team in ONE TAKE! Can you imagine the strain that puts on a dog's body!?! No, you can't, so why doesn't every body just back off and go interview those dogs from Mike Vicks house, huh? People paid 8.50 to see Rob Schneider pretend to be an animal for an hour and a half. My client is a better athlete and a better actor than Rob Schneider. So I ask you, who's the real criminal here?"

When reporters questioned Atlanta Falcon's quarterback Mike Vick if he had ever administered performance enhancing drugs to his dogs at Bad Newz Kennels, Vick said "I don't know, I never been dog fighting in my life. You gonna have to ask Ron Mexico about that sh**."

While it is unclear whether these allegations will hold up under baseball's new collective bargaining agreement, a statement released by Bud's attorney S.L. Goldman implied his client didn't do so much as pee on a carpet during the filming of the 5 picture franchise. Goldman claimed that the situation was a large misunderstanding and his client was innocent of all charges.

However, this afternoon the case turned ugly when Bud was being questioned by investigators at his plush three story dog house in Beverly Hills when suddenly things turned violent as Bud lunged at an officer, growled viciously at a reporter from Cat Fancy Magazine and quickly escaped the scene when he lept over a 9 foot electrical fence in just one bound, a sad ending to a tragic turn of events. After a two hour search Animal Rescuers were finally able to apprehend the suspect by "trank gunning the hell" out of the former actor while he was urinating on a fire hydrant just a few blocks from his current residence which was ironically the same way Robert Downey Jr. was arrested on drug charges back in 1999.

For a dog who lept into our hearts as quickly as he lept over a 9 foot retaining fence, we all wish Bud a speedy and full recovery. However, it looks to be another sad end to a once pristine Hollywood career.

WIll Ferrell signs with the New York Knicks

2009-06-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

In the wake of a crazy NBA trade deadline some teams have been pushed to drastic measures. The Lakers, Suns and Mavs all made huge changes to their lineups to try and make a push for an ring. Even though they aren't in the Western Conference and have virtually no shot at making a play-off push, Isiah Thomas and the Knicks were not to be outdone. In constant struggle with their angry fan base and the brutal New York media, the Knicks, who are never ones to shy away from making bad personnel and financial decisions made a huge acquisition today when they signed film star Will Ferrell to a $20 million dollar a game contract.

We at the Blue Monkey Disco Party got the tape of the phone conversation that led to the signing. Here is how it all went down.
Isiah Thomas: (ringing ringing) Hello…

Will: "Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?

Isiah: Nope not Wilt Chamberlain, you're close though, it's Isiah Thomas. You know, former Pistons great and current coach of the New York Knicks.

Will: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

Isiah: Actually, we've kinda been in last place for, well for as long as I've been apart of the team.

Will: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?

Isiah: Well, it's not like I'm doing it on purpose Will, I mean, I brought in a lot of players, it just seems like none of them play team basketball or are motivated. I mean they were all All-Star caliber players, albeit in 1999. Jesus, Will I'm doing the best I can over here.

Will: You sit on a throne of lies.

Isiah: No! I'm trying to get these guys in line. We are struggling Will, we need you're help. I need to make a big move so that I can regain some credibility as an NBA coach.

Will: You're a fake.

Isiah: Now you're sounding like the New York media. Look Will, I saw your movie Semi Pro--OK I saw the trailer for your movie Semi-Pro and I think you've got some talent, I think that you would make a solid Knick shooting guard and trust me I should know, I brought in Steve Francis…

Will: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?

Isiah: I know, it's gotten to the point where I don't even know what' going on anymore. Stephon won't play in his $10 shoes, Zach Randolph wants to play point guard and I don't even know where Renaldo Balkman came from. I think he just got on our bus one day and we gave him a uniform I CAN'T CONTROL THIS TEAM!

Will: What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league.

Isiah: I hear that a lot these days. Look, we need to salvage this season, we started out a putrid 15-37.

Will: That's not a good start, but keep going...

Isiah: We play like we don't care and nobody on the team works hard anymore. We roll over and die anytime we're down more than 8 and we basically play basketball like the French Army fights.

Will: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet

Isiah: I know, I'm just remarking we play like a bunch of pansy assed babies. Just hold on for one second, let me get some guys on the phone to try ad convince you (puts Will on hold)

5 minutes go by…

Will: Where are you, Pepe Le Bitch?

2 more minutes go by

Isiah: Hey Will, I'm back. Sorry about the wait, I had to track someone down. Check it out, I got Eddy Curry on the line. He was down at IHOP destroying the all you can eat crepes special.

Will: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?

Isiah: I'm sorry just hear me out, we really want you to be a Knick Will. Talk to Eddy, maybe he'll help you make your decision.

Will: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.

Eddy: Yo, Will what's up man, sorry it took so long, but nothing is more important to me than eating. Nothing! When I go to IHOP for the all you can eat crepes, I mean, it's on for real!

Will: Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?

Eddy: You know it. You won't believe this, but I just at Nate Robinson's weight in crepes.

Will: Oh, my god, I love those.

Eddy: Marbury left, he said I was an embarassment to the Knicks and an atrocity to professional sports players everywhere. EVEN soccer players.

Will: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.

Eddy: I should probably be exercising instead of annihilating every restaurant in a five borough area or I'm gonna end up as bloated as my contract. But what else could I be doing?

Will: Trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time.

Eddy: Shit man, I could eat pancakes till I exploded. I could die eating pancakes and be the happiest man in the world.

Will: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?

Eddy: Me! Here' talk to Zach Randolph for a second while I order my 5th Ruti-Tuti-Fresh and Fruity

Zach: Hello, is this Will Ferrell? Funniest guy on the planet?

Will: If you ain't first, you're last!

Zach: Damn man, I love your movies. You gotta lace up and play with us Will, we need you man. You gotta do it man. Don't be the Mayor of Pussytown.

Will: I don't want to be the Mayor of Pussytown!

Zach: Good man. Look what are you doing tomorrow?

Will: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

Zach: Look, I'm throwing a little party tomorrow night at my place. If you get the time you should drop by. It's gonna be off the hook.

Will: From dusk 'til dawn. You, sir, are a party animal!

Zach: Bring your throw down clothes ha ha, last time things got a little heated. I had to straighten some shit out with a guest of mine.

Will: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.

Zach: Yeah, well that's personal business so I'll take care of that. Yo man sign the contract and come play with us dawg. We're gonna win a championship here…
(laughing in the background)

Zach: Uh oh, Curry is going into diabetic shock. Gotta run. Later Will.
(hangs up)

Isiah: We need you Will. Come back to New York, come back to the Garden and we'll make you an even bigger star. Think about it, pro basketball player, actor, comedian. We have big parades, Times Square, Broadway…

Will: Broadway! I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland!

Isiah: ...Fashion week…

Will: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.

Isiah: That's the spirit. We want to bring home a championship to the Big Apple and we think with you as our shooting guard, we can do just that.

Will: You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy.

Isiah: I'm not crazy. Winning a championship is in the cards here, but we need your skills to do it.

Will: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary.

Isiah: We just need to go on a huge win streak and jump up a few spots in the playoff race. The East is wide open this year. We need some wins and quick! We need a winning streak!

Will: We're going streaking!

Isiah: I'm tired of always reeking of failure and defeat.

Will: It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils.

Isiah: Are you READY! You ready for this you curly froed bastard!

Will: I'm a big hairy American winning machine!

Isiah: YOU ARE!

Will: My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?

Isiah: Are you kidding? I played for Bobby Knight! But don't worry, I'm not half as good a coach or half as crazy.I'm not like that either. Everything is gonna be great. Promise.

Will: We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...

Isiah: Join the Knicks and help us return to excellence Will.

Will: Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Isiah: That's right buddy. Now I got a contract in my hand Will Ferrell. Are you gonna sign this baby!?!?

Will: I'd be happy to sign your baby.

Isiah: YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I'm so glad I was able to sign you, you're really saving my ass man. Back to winning!

Will: You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!

Isiah: Yeah you can coach man fine. I don't care, I saw the preview for your movie and it said you were a coach, so yeah I mean, you can't be worse than me.

Will: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore.

Isiah: I know "winning" isn't even in the Knicks vocabulary anymore. It's so bad Will (sniff) I can't go anywhere anymore without people laughing at me or cursing at me and sometimes they even throw garbage at me

Will: They're just showing their appreciation.

Isiah: I just can't seem to win, maybe I just suck as a coach. I don't know what to do (breaks down crying)

Will: Don't get emotional...

Isiah: It's so hard, I didn't know it would be this hard

Will: When it's over...

Isiah: Champions?

Will: Champions!

Isiah: Sniff... I gotta say I love the enthusiasm .Will, we are now part a team that will bring a franchise back to prominence. We gotta hit the town and celebrate!

Will: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable.

Isiah: Excellent idea. Where at?

Will: How 'bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee's?

Isiah: Will have you been drinking today?

Will: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

Isiah: I can't say that I blame you man, I mean, you just signed with the worst run team in professional sports. I'd be drinking too.

Will: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.

Isiah: Now you play for Isiah and the New York Knicks. Get used to it…

Ten other things on the infamous 'Spygate' tapes...

2009-06-07T22:43:00.001-07:00

It is reported that Matt Walsh a former Patriots employee could be in possession of vital video evidence against the New England Patriots pertaining to the Spygate controversy that may include a video tape of the St. Louis Ram's final walk through from right before the 2002 Super Bowl. Sen. Arlen Specter is intrigued to know what information Walsh may have on the many swirling rumors of Patriot signal stealing or if he has any physical evidence that may help break open an ongoing investigation by himself and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

However, Goodell has acted very odd in the proceedings and faced harsh criticism for allegedly destroying much of the evidence in the controversy that included up to six video tapes and some of Bill Belichick's notes related to whatever was on the videos. Now everyone involved from Senators to fans want to know what the former Pats employee knows, but Walsh isn't doing much talking. Luckily, Blue Monkey Disco Party has an inside source in New England and he has told us what was really on the tapes the NFL destroyed.

Junior Seau's audition tape for Dancing With the Stars

What better way for a superstar NFLer to fill his time in retirement with a chance to make a complete ass of himself on national television by practicing ballroom dancing with some 90 lb Tisch School of the Arts graduate that he could probably bench press 50 times or kill with just his index and pinky fingers? I mean it's not often that a pro athlete gets to go head to head in an ultra-competitive completion with the likes of entertainment juggernauts Drew Lachey and Joey Lawrence. Marie Osmond, you haven't felt the real pain of dance until you've been hit by Junior Seau's impersonation of the "Lights Out Sack Dance."

The tape shows Seau practicing his salsa moves with one of the Patriots tackling dummies and also preparing for the final round by secretly trying to perfect "The Icky Shuffle." But, nobody could do the shuffle like Icky could, so Seau is said to be brushing up on "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and may even go so far as to breakout a classic with "The Dirty Bird." Look out Emmitt Smith cause Seau is coming up from behind to rumba you right out of the building...

Mercury Morris' Housewarming video

There he was on his porch with his tuxedo and his bride with a bottle of bubbly and a crazy ass smile on his face. He even took time of from his illustrious weekly golf regiment to help set up a victory parade that only undefeated professional athletes would be invited to that including Karrem Abdul-Jabbar, Tommy Frazier, The Dream Team, John Wooden, Tom Osborne, Bill Walton, Bobby Knight, Don Shula, Deep Blue, Floyd Mayweather Jr and Burt Reynolds for his work in The Longest Yard.

When the Pats failed to defeat the Giants in the Super Bowl apparently Morris put his 5 iron to good use by using it to tear down all the "Welcome to The Club. Welcome to History" banners that were lining HIS neighborhood. Even though he was upset he did all that work for diddly squat, he was said to be happy to have new golfing companions in the now archaic New England linebacker corp. After almost becoming a "Perfectionist" himself this season, next years first tee-time won't be the first time that Mike Vrabel has heard "Noonan…MISS IT!!!!" from a member of the 72' Dolphins.

At least 5 Cincinnati Bengals being led away in handcuffs during games

Apparently charges ranged from A.J. Nicholson trying to steal one of CBS's sideline cameras and a par of Chad Johnson's gold teeth, to Chris Henry being found on the field high as a kite, hitting on some females from a local high school band who were there to perform at halftime and found by a referee to be in possession of an unregistered firearm after catching an 8 yard slant. .Apparently there was also a roulette wheel behind the Gatorade and rumors of an offshore gambling account that could end up being proof to why Cinci had such a horrendous 2007 campaign.

The Bengals have taken steps to nip their legal problems in the bud by encasing their stadium in metal bars while beefing up security and making it mandatory for players to stay there during the regular season and God willing the 2008 play-offs. It'll be just like prison except with less weight lifting and only a limited fear of dropping the soap.

Elijah Spielmann's Bahmitvah

We don't know why this was on there. Is this kids some sort of player prospect that Bellicheck is watching? Is he some sort of athletic numbers wizard? Will he some day become some sort of coaching threat to the Patriot Reign? Or is this just someone forgetting to change the tape in the team's video camera. We may never know, but Mazeltov little buddy.

Christopher Llyod' s audition tape to play Eli Manning in a made for TV movie

Everyone of course knows that Peyton Manning has that sad Peyton face that he delivers right after delivering a game losing INT to the other team. But Eli has a very distinct look when he plays badly. Hands on his hips while his mouth gapes open like he's just had something heavy dropped on his head. A look eerily simila to a kid in Little League who gives up a gopher ball in the 9th inning of the championship game when everyone in a ten mile radius knew the fastball was coming and yet he went fastball anyway, yet still looks dumbfounded that things have once again transpired against him. It's sort of a cross between Corky from Life Goes On and Reverend Jim Ignatowski from Taxi. That's why Christopher Llyod will be hitting the gym and suiting up for "I'll still never be as good as Peyton: The Eli Manning Story."

A Pats assistant stealing Adam Vinatieri's shoes before the 2007 AFC Championship game

The former New England kicker with ice water in his veins led the anything to win Patriots into the Colts locker room before the game to try and stop the NFL's most clutch kicker the only way they knew how...by stealing his Nikes. The assistant was wired, but stole the wrong shoes because he could not hear the instructions properly over a deafeningly odd sound coming out of nearby speakers.

Tiki Barber's sincerest apology to the New York Football Giants

Tiki Tiki Tiki…Feeling like he was forced out of his pads and into an Armani suit and onto every conceivable media outlet made Tiki drop the ball once again in terms of going out on top. Tiki was criticized after retiring last season in what many believed to be the prime of his career. The once understated and classy Barber proceeded to take the few months after retirement to blitzkrieg the media circuit in order to completely berate and embarrass his ex-teammate Eli Manning while also taking every opportunity to undermine and whine about his former coach Tom Coughlin.

Well, after the Giants victory Tiki would like to go on record as saying he may have been wrong. He is very sorry. He said he suffers from a medical condition known as "Strahan's Gap" which is a serious medical condition that causes football players in the twilight of their careers to incessantly ramble on about how important they are to a team while seemingly lying through their teeth. In a heartfelt confession of guilt Tiki knows he was wrong to question the Giants organization and Manning's leadership abilities . Barber would like to leave the "Barber Shop" to make amends and heal his "Strahan's Gap" with the only known cure…a new contract for next year. The terms of which will be determined after sitting out of training camp of course. So New Jersey get out your torches and flock to the streets because Tiki is sorry and he wants to suit up for the G-Men again next year.

Video of Bill Romonowski doing steroids on the sideline during a Pats- Broncos game

Yep, there he is the on the sidelines tying off with the chinstrap of Drew Bledsoe, syringe in hand and an insane menacing gaze on his face. Then coincidentally there is the video of him in the parking lot after the game suffering from a severe case of roid rage after misplacing his car keys. In the later video he si shown to spit on a parking attendant then throw a child through the windshield of his Mercedes.

In Romo's defense, it was his own little girl that he threw and she seemed to be OK after the incident. Romo then told the dazed girl as lovingly and softly as he possibly could "I'LL TAKE YOU OUT FOR ICE CREAM! DON'T TELL YOUR MOM!" No word on whether the little girl suffered any long term repercussions from the incident, but word is that they now refer to the child as "Big Ben."

A five minute montage of the various injuries Drew Bledsoe sustained during his time in the NFL. Most notably with the Patriots

Apparently it's a 5 minute amazing tribute to the man that ran in cement shoes set to ELO's "Don't Bring Me Down" in the background. Just five minutes of bone crushing hits by linebackers and defensive ends on the agility impaired QB. We've heard it plays out like a Discovery Channel show where the lion goes after the wounded gazelle and everyone can see what's coming, yet we are all somehow inclined to watch anyway. Whether it be the broken finger on his throwing hand, no doubt multiple concussions and the only person to ever be listed on an injury reports as suffering from "internal bleeding," Bledsoe managed to make being painfully slow a slowly painful art. We here at The Party only wish we were privy to the video as we are doing a study on NFL quarterback injuries and messing around with math theories about the speed of LB's as they correlate to a QB's speed which we refer to as The Bledsoe Theorem and the other being related directly to injury reports called The McNair Quandary.

Peyton Manning's SNL episode

We think it's because Tom Brady is secretly jealous at what "a big ham," Peyton is and probably watched the show like he would game film to try and best him after the writers come back. Will we see a Tom Brady line of walking boots sketch in the future? Only time will tell.

Explanation for Tom Brady's cast and flowers...

2009-06-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

Everyone seems to be freaking out at Tom Brady's new fashion statement of carrying flowers and wearing a walking cast on his foot today, but we at The Party have found that Brady a perfectly good explanation for this week's behavior. It seems the boot is from kicking almost every team in the NFL's ass this year and the flowers are just one bouquet of many that are going to various NFL front offices and certain players that have met their demise at the hands of Brady and the New England Patriots this season. It seems that all the kicking ass has taken it's toll on Brady's foot and the taking names, well that is what the flowers are for. Every bouquet comes with a card and this is what a few of them say…

The Packers got a heartfelt card addressed to Brett Favre that read:

Brett, it must have felt like old times on all those pain killers while you were playing in negative temperatures and not being able to feel your hands last weekend. I mean it Eli Manning winning a play-off game and advancing to the Super Bowl basically meant that you were lucky to be one of two quarterbacks who got to play in hell while it froze over. Even Tom Coughlin looked incredulous, as his face was frozen in amazement the entire game and well into Monday evening. It's not often you get to play in front of the Winter Warlock. Interception or not, I still think you are the toughest and most gutsy S.O.B. that ever picked up a football.

Come back next year,
Tom Brady

The Jets are merely got a videotape of flowers with a card that read:

Sorry we cheated, feel free to use this tape to record our victory in the Super Bowl.

Tom Brady

To Tony Romo:

Dude, you gotta start dating super models instead of singers. They're cheaper cause they eat next to nothing and you don't have to pretend to like their singing.

Bros before hos,
Tom

The Ravens got a sincere apology from Brady for the refs in their meeting in December. Mostly because Ray Lewis has been lurking around Brady's house the past month:

Ravens…sorry we paid off all those refs to win that game in early December. We had a perfect season going, I mean honestly, do you really think the NFL is going to let millions of dollars in future ad revenue go down the drain for a feel good Kyle Boller story? And could you please tell Ray Lewis to stop hanging around my neighborhood and leaving me cryptic messages on my answer machine saying "I'ma kill you dawg!" It's the refs in the NFL that fix the games not the players! I've enclosed Phil McKinnley's address, just don't tell him you got it from me.

Tom Brady

Peyton Manning got flowers with a card that read:

Sorry for breaking you TD record, I imagine you're making the sad Peyton face right now, so here's the number of a mechanic who will take a look at your laser, rocket arm. Don't worry about the cost, this one's on me buddy. On the bright side, you'll get a head start on those 600 commercials you'll film in the off season.

A Priceless Pep Talk from the NFL's Best QB,
Tom Brady

The Dolphins felt lucky just to be included in anything related to the NFL because most college teams could have beaten them this season. They received a card that read:

Miami, hey at least you guys have the weather and South Beach, right? Good luck with Parcells this year, I've always heard about "Dolphin safe tuna," so it will be interesting to see "Tuna save Dolphins." In the off-season maybe you and Ricky can go shopping for a new bong…and I heard you might play half of your games against college teams next year, hey maybe you'll be ranked in the top 25 of something football related again next year!

Tom Brady

The Raiders got kind of a confusing card:

I'm sorry for your loss, Al Davis was…very old…what? Wait, Al Davis is still alive? Then I guess these flowers are more a sorry that Al Davis is still around to destroy your franchise and run your team into the ground. Randy says hi from the end zone. Remember what an end Zone is? La zona del final.

Sinceramente,
Tom Brady

The Bills were embarrassed by the Pats this year leading to this card:

Bills, what can I say? In two games we outscored you 94 -17. Wow. Steven Wright called, he wants his blood pressure reading back . I threw more touchdowns in those two games than Trent Edwards threw all year. I'm not saying you guys need help, but bringing Jim Kelly out of retirement may not be a bad idea. Doug Flutie? Drew Bledsoe? Dude, somebody in Buffalo has got to step up before they move the team somewhere better. So basically anywhere.

Tom Brady

To the Steelers:
Heard from my buddy at the NFL Network that Big Ben Roethlisberger is hanging up the cleats and become a "rappa." Here is to hoping that the new album "All Up in Yo' Grill" is a bigger smash than the imprint you left on that old lady's Chrysler New Yorker!

Mac Dizzy Tom Briz-ady

The Giants got more of an omniscient card today that read:

Dear Giants, you guys gave us a bit of a scare there at the end that almost disrupted our perfect season. Good job guys…this will NOT happen AGAIN. For Eli, I've enclosed a tape of the Seinfeld episode they took off the air in Green Bay, as we Patriots think you should get something enjoyable to watch before you watch us systematically and painfully dismantle you in the Super Bowl.

P.S. Eli,more flowers will be sent to you after the game as I have given Richard Seymour permission to dance on your sternum.

"No Supe-rbowl for you!" LOL,

Tom Brady

What else can you say about Tom Brady? The man is a good sport and class act. He even pays his child support on time! Take a hint Shawn Kemp…

Tom Brady also dislikes...

2009-06-07T22:37:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, Patriot Quarterback and NFL poster child Tom Brady made some disparaging remarks about sports uber-channel ESPN and their handling of the Matt Walsh/Spygate controversy. Brady was on WEEI's Big show on Tuesday, and callously remarked that ESPN had become "Like MTV, except without the highlights."

Many reporters hit the ceiling upon hearing this news. One of the NFL's, "Do No Wrong Gang" had openly criticized not only the "World Wide Leader in Sports," but also the media outlet that broadcasts the NFL's premiere cash cow: Monday Night Football. Writers scurried to their laptops to blog the story from tiny ember into a four-alarm fire. Except for the Blue Monkey Disco Party, who decided to dig deeper into the Brady psyche. It was obvious Brady had been holding back some strong feeling about ESPN, so was their anything else the NFL's reigning MVP was angry with?

So we called and asked,"What else do you hate, Tom?"

Bill Belichick's video collection, that includes video of the St. Louis Ram's Super Bowl walk through - Just because I'm the last person the NFL would ever accuse of cheating, why do I still have to keep these tapes? I have a big house and all, but these tapes Bill gave me to hide are taking up the entire garage. Where the Hell am I supposed to keep all my ESPY Awards?

Lost - Are they on that island or not? Are they all dead? Is this flashback taking place in the past or in the future. Jesus, pick a storyline and stick with it! Stop purposely being so damn confusing. And bring back Mr. Eko while you're at it.

Miniature Ponies - If you're not gonna ride them and you're not gonna race them, what's the point?

Gas Prices - They are getting ridiculous, even for someone like me. It cost me $1200 to gas up my helicopter to fly to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show. I know you didn't't think I could get any cooler, but it is true, I date a supermodel and I can fly a helicopter and people may have said that I fly better than Magnum PI.

Honestly, gas prices are too high.

Cornerbacks - They're always hanging out next to my receivers and getting in the way of my passes. Hey ass clown, I'm not throwing to you, so get the hell out of the way. Except for the ones that cover Randy Moss. Those guys are doing a good job in my book.

Gisele not wearing the Wonder Woman costume - Come on!!! You already dated Leo DiCaprio, it's not getting any better than me baby. Now why don't we join the "Mile High Club" in that invisible jet of yours? Oh, did I mention my supermodel girlfriend owns an invisible jet? I can fly that too...

Rocky V - Seriously, does anybody really like this movie?

The Jets - I mean, come on, they're the Jets! You play in New Jersey, you'we sucked for as long as I can remember, and I once saw an 11 year old girl out throw Chad Pennington at the Punt, Pass and Kick Competition. It's really gotten ridiculous. Now is the time to hang up the cleats and get real jobs, guys. You could all go to work for the government, you f@*#ing NARCs.

Telemundo - Every time I turn this channel on, I have no idea what they are saying. It's like playing a game in Oakland, except the costumes and camera zooms don't make me seizure like the game shows on Telemundo do.

Peyton Manning Commercials - Hey, I got a Priceless Pep Talk for you Peyton- Get the hell off my TV. MasterCard, Reebok, Oreos, Sprint and DirectTV. It never ends! You just sold me on diabetes, bad credit and a terrible wireless plan. You brother was the screw up and now he's won as many Super Bowls as you. That said, maybe you should really start to think where your priorities are at.

Ohio State - WOLVERINESSSS!!!!

Canada - Mark my words…With all that unprotected border, you just know that they are gonna come down out of the hills and steal one of these NFL franchises. And I'm talking about professional football team -- not the Bills.

Jet packs - Got one last year. Couldn't get the damn thing to work. Stupid Soviets and their Cold War propaganda.

The lack of adequate Brett Favre retirement coverage - The man is a legend, and that's all the coverage I get? What? It was like 10, maybe 15 hours a day for a few weeks. You mean you couldn't find enough coverage to squeeze in another 3 hours a day? There wasn't a fews hours of those "NFL Yearbook:Green Bay Packers" footage of Favre to piece together a 3 or 4 hour tribute to the great #4? You are slacking ESPN! Truly shameful.

Cheaters - All of them…except for my genius coach, Bill Belichick.

Upper Deck Announces 'Not So Great Moments In Sports History' Limited Edition Insert Cards

2009-06-07T22:36:00.002-07:00

Collecting baseball cards used to be a simple hobby for children who loved the sport of baseball. As a kid, you used to buy a pack of cards and hope that somewhere in side that 15 card pack was the rookie card of your favorite player, such as Jose Canseco or Bo Jackson. You'd jump for joy when you got that Ken Griffey Jr. insert card or that Ken Camanitti card that completed your set.

Well, those cards are worthless now, at least in a monetary sense. But alas, the baseball card companies have not given up hope on this generation's young card collector. In a fierce battle to gain the advantage in an ever expanding marketplace, companies such a Topps and Upper Deck have gone to great lengths to lure in potential customers with a strange and eclectic new breed of "memorabilia" cards that can have anything from pieces of your favorite players game worn jersey on them, to specialty autographed cards and now they've taken the premise even farther by offering collectors a chance to find limited edition cards that contain an autograph and strand of hair of some of the most influential individuals in America's history. This historic "Hair Cuts" set made by the Upper Deck Corporation includes cards from George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and famous Apache Indian leader Geronimo.

http://www.upperdeck.com/marketing/news_article.aspx?aid=4268

Now these cards may be pretty cool, but BMDP got the low down on what's sure to be the next great memorabilia card craze. We are proud to introduce Upper Deck's new set "No So Great Moments in Sports History: Sports Scandals Edition." And here are a few of the cards the new set includes.

Marv Albert 1997 Sex scandal card - This card contains a locket from Marv's famous toupee that he was wearing the night he was allegedly involved in sexual misconduct with a 42 year old woman whom he had had a "relationship" with for 10 years. The details of the night are hazy, but it does have some of that fateful nights dialogue.

The piece of the toupee is above a picture of Marv with the play-by-play of the nights activities on the back that read:

"He's able to hustle it down. He's putting the moves on her. She's apparently not liking what she's seeing. Oh! A spec-TAC-ular move! He throws up a circus shot. From way downtown, BANG! YES! And Marv is now hearing it from the crowd…"
*Watch your fingers with this one, he's apparently a biter.

The Kelvin Sampson Cell Phone Scandal Card

The person who receives this card will be able to send it to the Upper Deck offices and redeem it for a special one of a kind Kelvin Samson inspired cell phone. Kelvin will also put you in his Fave Five* and you'll receive free texting for the year on the cell phone carrier of your choice.

* Blue chip recruits ineligible. Some NCAA restrictions may apply.

Marion Jones Steroid Scandal Card

Another send in card, this card can be in to redeem your very own license plate made by Jones herself for any state in the continental US. The plate can say whatever you want (possibly OLYMCHEATR or NOTFSTENGH or ROIDRAGE) and will be gold plated using the melted down remains of all the gold medals she won while illegally using steroids.

* Watch out, this one is going fast…a little too fast if you ask the IOC.

Tim Donaghy NBA Handicapping Card

Send this card in to Upper Deck and they'll send you one of the Tim Donaghy whistles that he used to fix games during the 2006-2007 NBA season. Feel free to use it to help keep your son or daughters YMCA game close. Blow it at a casino. Blow it while your talking on the phone with your bookie. Blow it on other crooked referees who where once in business with you, or simply use it to warn others when an FBI agent is on the premises questioning you about the numerous illegal activities you're involved in.

Do not however blow it at Rasheed Wallace cause he'll be waiting for you outside the arena and he will NOT be happy. And if you were thinking of getting away with it, don't bet on it cause we all know how Sheed rolls.

* Upper Deck is not responsible for medical bills to dislodge the whistle from you trachea. Use with caution and at your own risk.

Wilt Chamberlain "Not-So-Little Black Book" Card

Send this card to UD and they will send you Wilt the Stilt's infamous little black book. It contains over 20,000 phone numbers of ladies from all over the globe. Of course those ladies are probably well into their 60's and some are possibly even deceased, but hey, with this book you too could become a sexual "Globetrotter" and feel like you in fact are the "Chairman of the Broads…I mean Boards, Chairman of the Boards…"

OJ Simspon Scandal of the Decade Card

This card entitles the redeemer to a special edition "The Juice is Loose on the 405" card and the front left headlight of the white Ford Bronco used in the infamous low speed chase through the streets of Los Angeles in 1994. On the back of the headlight is an inscription by Al Cowlings that reads :

"This is A.C.! You got a genuine piece of my car. This is A.C. you know who this is, --damnit!"

* Don't let Juice catch you with this memorabilia at a card show or he might claim it as his property and try and steal it from you. Just be sure to watch your back when entering your hotel room, OK?

Bill Bellamy Rock and Jock B-Ball Jam 4 Scandal

We aren't sure what scandal took place at Rock and Jock 4. Possibly a point shaving scandal involving the incorrect height of the 20 point basket that favored Bellamy's team The Violators, maybe Bellamy purposely lied about Marky Mark's height being 5-8 when everyone knows he's can't be an inch over 5-4 or possibly it has something to do with Bill spitefully muddling up Dan Cortese's perfectly coifed hair right before half-time.

Either way, we know for sure that this card contains a picture of Bill and a piece of the shorts he wore in the game. And Upper Deck officials describe the smell of the card to be a mixture of sweat and sitcom failure.

Roger Clemens Steroid Scandal Card

This is another of the redemption cards that entitles the owner to all of the "used and left over evidence" of steroid use that Brian McNamee turned over to the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, including left over needles, vials of HGH and even crushed beer cans.

Are you a Red Sox fan who still holds a grudge against The Rocketman and enjoy basking in the pitcher's personal failures? Are you a sporting enthusiast looking for something to help gain a little extra "edge" on your rec league softball tam? Are you a medical scientist with cloning capabilities looking to create an army of Roger Clemens' to crush your competitors and do your evil bidding?

Well with this card and the "weight training supplies" it comes with, you could do all three! Imagine the softball team that the California Biological Research Center could put together if they got a hold of this card! Look out Team Del Taco! There are 9 Clemens on the field and they are all looking to "brush you back!"

* Upper Deck is not responsible for any health problems associated with using dirty needles. They are also not responsible for cloning accidents, lopsided softball victories or the mutant Clemens monsters that are currently destroying your city.

Ron Artest Pistons/Pacers Brawl Card

This card has a picture of Ron Artest punching Detroit fan A.J. Shackleford on it and also has a small portion the infamous cup of beer that started the "Brawl at Auburn Hills," It's meant to honor the fans that stuck with pro basketball through the worst P.R. nightmare that the NBA has ever been apart of (outside of fixing games, gambling, rampant drug use, lopsided trades, etc) and it even has a personal message from Ron Artest himself on the back:

"EBay this bitch! Gotta get that paper son! It's not about winning, it's about getting paid! Use the cash you get from this card to start a rap label and then make enough money to fight whoever you want, whenever you want. The get a job down at Circuit City so you can get that employee discount on the album. Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money!"

The lavish gifts of professional athletes

2009-06-07T22:36:00.001-07:00

Douche LaRue 28.MAY.08

Earlier this week, it was reported that Miami Heat guard, Dwyane Wade, gave his mother a quite unusual gift. The NBA star gave his mother her very own church (apparently not in time to pray for the Heat to snag the #1 overall draft pick.) We've heard of pro athletes showering their family with expensive jewelry and fancy foreign cars, but this is the first story that we have heard, where an NBA star has given his mother her very own house of worship.

Due to our inquisitive nature and our love affair with shady accounting, we made some calls and found the bank receipts of other sports stars and found out the gifts that they have given to family and friends during the past few years.

A few surprises (some, not so much):

Last Mother's Day, Shawn Kemp had to buy 27 dozen roses.

Ricky Williams got his coach Bill Parcells a new device to help in relaxing, by introducing him to the new Dolphins promotional giveaway in a "Rickey Williams Bongel Head." Parcells is said to have traded the gift for a late round draft pick and "good deal" on a Colonial Penn insurance.

David Beckham once bought his cat a Bentley just because he could.

Last year for Mother's Day, Marty McSorley gave his mother a bloody nose.

Barry Bonds once bought Barry Bonds some HGH for Barry Bond's birthday.

For Mother's Day, Manny Ramirez, gave his mother a $100 gift certificate for the Pottery Barn, but unfortunately it was for the store on Planet Manny.

Evel Knievel once bought his son Robbie a motorcycle for his 3rd birthday. But no helmet, because helmets are for pussies.

For his birthday in 2006, Phil Michelson gave Tiger Woods an anchor for his new yacht. Unfortunately that anchor was made from C-4.

Don Cherry's suit once gave his children a gift at a Christmas Eve church service. The gift was epilepsy.

Jason Giambi buys just one thing. Panties. Every year, every occasion, it's a panty bonanza from Oakland to New York.

This year the Memphis Grizzlies gave the Los Angeles Lakers Pau Gasol, for what now seems to be no rational reason.

Peyton Manning gave receiver Marvin Harrison a silencer for the opening of this year's training camp.

Billy Beane once gave the San Francisco Giants a $120 million dollar pitching machine. They call it…Barry Zito.

Kansas City was once given a baseball team and they have so far, done nothing with it.

The Cincinnati Bengal's gave the city of Cincinnati a slew of RoboCops to patrol the streets in the off-season. So far crime is still up 55% among Bengal players.

Apparently, before the 2007 NFL draft, AL Davis gave Jamarcus Russell a signed football and Russell promptly threw it into the sun. The rest is Raider history.

George Steinbrenner once bought Derek Jeter a unicorn.

Isiah Thomas once got flowers for Anucha Browne Sanders. Unfortunately the card said, "I want to be on you."

The NBA once gave the WNBA flowers and some free publicity way back in the day, but no one reported it. Witnesses claim the flowers to have been "very fundamentally sound."

Dale Earnhardt Jr. once gave his fans books, which they used to burn for warmth and sell for more beer.

OJ Mayo already bought his mom a house…sometime last year.

In 2003, the MLB got a gift of a patsy from BALCO and his name was Barry Bonds.

Kimbo Slice once gave someone a Country Music Award…wait no, that can be right? Really? WTF!?!?

Spend the afterlife with your favorite MLB team...

2009-06-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

If your loved one has gone on to pitch in greener pastures or has a date to throw out the first pitch in heaven, you'll be able to guarantee your family's #1 fan will rest peacefully and comfortably in these state of the art hand crafted urns.* Make sure Uncle Billy can enjoy the afterlife as much as he loved his time on earth with his beloved Tampa Bay Rays by keeping his ashes in the new classy die-cast aluminum, that's right I said ALLIMINUM (yes, that aluminum!) urn for all of your rival team's fans to see. Take him out to all the ball games he would have missed. Keep him on the television to enjoy ballgames with the family for the rest of eternity. Maybe even strap a glove on him and take the kids out for a game of catch! Let your deceased family member's remains, remain on earth with the people and the team he loved in one of Eternal Image's Major League Baseball urns.
*guarantee excludes Yankee and Cubs fans

Turns out every MLB got a complementary urn and we found out what a few teams did with them:

Florida Marlins - Who knows what's in it, but you can probably get it for five cents on the dollar and a mid-level prospect.

San Francisco Giants - The ashes of everything Bonds related at AT&T Park. The urn is the size of a Volkswagen, yet still fits in Barry's batting helmet.

Cleveland Indians - C.C. Sabathia's off-season workout regiment.

Chicago Cubs - No one knows where Steve Bartman disappeared to …until now.

New York Yankees - Brian Cashman's ego, pride and soul…even though Red Sox Nation will adamantly deny that any Yankee has ever been born with a soul.

Kansas City Royals - Absolutely nothing, but nobody can get it open after George Brett held it one day.

Milwaukee Brewers - This is where owner Bud Selig keeps the charred remains of MLB's steroids policy and his near pristine copy of the Mitchell Report. Plus 10 emergengy double cheeseburgers for when Prince Fielder decides to drop the whole vegetarian routine.

Toronto Blue Jays - No one deceased, they just use it to transport David Eckstein.

San Diego Padres - Offense.

Boston Red Sox - The ashes of the Alex Rodriguez contract they drew up in 2003 mixed with some ashes of Bill Buckner's house that mysteriously burned down circa 1986.

Los Angels Angels - Even though Walt would give the cryogenic cold shoulder to burials, Disney incorporated their burial piece into a major attraction at Disney World "Urns over Anaheim," where dreams and Disney characters never die, but Rally Monkeys inexplicably disappear.

Pittsburgh Pirates- I'm guessing their season and their fan appreciation, but one cares enough to check.

Baltimore Orioles - All of Brady Anderson's drug tests for 1996.

Seattle Mariners - All documents that they in fact at one point had Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez in their prime and somehow let them all get away.

Atlanta Braves - The ashes of all the Atlanta Braves World Champions memorabilia that they couldn't sell after the inevitable collapse of the Braves in almost every important play-off series in the 1990's.

Cincinnati Reds - Odds in Vegas are 2:1 it's all 4256 Pete Rose's hits and most of his managerial wins.

Washington Nationals - Apparently this season they keep the ashes of their unused (all) bats and more importantly the smoldering remains of millions of dollars in taxpayers money that was wasted on a new stadium built on the most expensive real-estate in the country for a team destined to finish last in their division for the next 5 years.

Tampa Bay Rays - This is where they keep Rocco Baldelli's hamstrings.

Minnesota Twins - The dream of the having the best pitching tandem in Santana-Liriano for the next 5 years--along with dreams of ever winning a World Series without Frank Viola and Kirby Puckett's good eye.

Los Angeles Dodgers - Reserved for Tommy Lasorda and all the people who die when a drunken Raider Nation decides to "welcome" the visiting team's fans.

Oakland Athletics - All the programs for a proposed "Bash Brothers" night which was to honor two embarassme--hero's from the Oakland A's, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. Owners tried to retrieve the programs, but kept getting stuck by stray needles…

Colorado Rockies - Two words: New humidor.

Detroit Tigers - They'll all be hiding there if they don't win the pennant this year.

Texas Rangers - Rafael Palmeiro's old stash of steroids and Viagra.

UNC's Hansbrough Vows to Dunk Over Bigger and Better Things

2008-10-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

Jan 9, 2008

On January 9th in a Game versus UNC-Asheville, UNC's own Tyler Hansbrough laid down a thunderous dunk over the NCAA's tallest player 7 foot 7, Kenny George. "Psycho T" as Hansbrough is known in Tarheel country was quoted as saying"Everybody on the team is like,"Who's going to try to dunk (on George)? It definitely in the back of my mind."

After the game Blue Monkey Disco Party interviewed "Psycho T" to see who he was going to dunk on next. Hansbrough is figuring there isn't anyone taller, so he brought up a few more of the even bigger things around the United States he wanted to conquer with some monster throw-downs.

Washington Monument Let's be honest, the Washington Monument has been asking for this for quite some time. It's just standing there all alone in the middle of D.C. just waiting for a hurtin'. It'S the tallest, whitest structure in Washington since Gheorghe Muresan played for the Bullets and by the looks of it, it probably has better lateral movement. After a slam by Hansbrough, the Monument will be glad it has that pond next to it because it will have a lot to reflect about. Like how embarrassed it is to be the nation's capital of getting thrown down on...

Mike Krzyzewski's house - Psycho is gonna make it rain leather all over Coach K's neighborhood. He'll probably just start by ripping down the rim on the goal in the driveway, then get a bigger, more Carolina Blue goal to put on the roof and just go friggin' insane. "Is Santa on the roof ?" "No, that's just Hansbrough brining the noise again honey..." And of course if he has time, he'll probably stop over and dunk on the Michael W. Krzyzewski Center for Athletic Excellence and possibly slam on K-Ville (at Duke, not the Fox television show starring Anthony Anderson). Even Cameron Indoor Stadium may not be safe...

Statue of Liberty - What's 151 feet tall and just got posterized? Lady Liberty, that's what!"Give me your tired, your poor,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" so I can jam on their heads. "Wham-bam-thankyou-mam" is what they will all be chanting as Psycho is coming to NYC and he is going to bring the pain. Take it to the house T and remind us once and for all why we will never watch a WNBA game. Eddy Curry was too easy of a choice in this spot, as anyone with a pulse can dunk on a fat-ass who couldn't find as treadmill if they built his favorite McDonalds out of them.. Hell they may even ask Hansbrough to coach the Knicks because by our calculations somebody has to...

Space Needle in Seattle - Nobody has even attempted to do this since The Reign Man Shawn Kemp tried it back when he was with the Sonics in 94'. Of course at the time he weighed 80 lbs less and was being held down by only 3 illegitimate children, as opposed to the 8 or 9 that would hold him down if he tried it today. Tyler wants to take his white chocolate thunder into space and dunk on the 25 lighting rods on top of the structure, while also becoming the first human being that we are aware of to slam-dunk on a fully functioning monorail. Extra points for the monorail because The Party is not a huge fan of space, needles, Kevin Durant or rainy ass Seattle now that we think about it.

Truckasaurs - SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! This is going to be a tough one, I don't think anyone has ever played Truckasarus one-on-one before. We are a bit miffed as Truckasarus is our Greatest American Hero #9, so we here at The Party have mixed feelings about Hansbrough taking it to the hole on our fire breathing friend. Although this would be the first facialization of a Truckasaur in recorded history and we are all about making dinosaurs ashamed for going extinct before we could have Tijuana Raptor Races. It would be quite a spectacle for all involved and then afterward there would be MOTOCROSS!!!

Mount Rushmore - It's not often that you get to lay the funk down on some of the country's most endeared figures, let alone throwing down on 4 former presidents at the same time. I'm not sure how tall these men were individually, but together one can only assume that standing on each others shoulders they would figure to be somewhere over 20 feet tall while spouting out trash talk like "We The People are going to imprint Spaulding on your forehead T" and "We are gonna rough ride you right back to Chapel Hill T." We are psyched to hear this, as we think Lincoln has needed a good dunking on for quite some time.

The Alamo - San Antonio will be the last stop for the "Hansbrough Dunks America Tour," as it will more than likely be the last stop for he and his Tarheels on their way to a NCAA Title. The landmark hasn't seen this sort of offensive force since General Santa Anna attacked the place back in the 1830's. However, after the dunk there will be no question to whom the building then belongs, because once you have been Hansborughized, you stay that way forever. People will no longer remember Davey Crocket and John Wayne, they will simple say "Remember the Alamo getting slammed on by that Psycho white center? That shit was awesome!"

No word yet on a European Tour...

Bob Knight's Grandson calls Press Conference to discuss previous Press Conference

2008-10-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Jan 7, 2008

Bobby Knight had choice words for the media after Texas Tech’s victory that pulled him to just one win shy of 900 career wins. People criticized Bobby for bringing his 18 month old grandson to the post-game press conference and then swearing in front of him on national television. Today Bob’s grandson Braden “The Littlest General” called his own press conference at his preschool to answer questions about the incident.

CNN: You were unusually quiet during the post game press conference. Was there a reason for this?

Braden: Well for one grandpa kept throwing me up in the air and he knows I have air sickness. I didn’t have my juice for the conference, I usually have to have one or two drinks to help me loosen up and deal with the media. I tense up every time I see a press pass. I guess it just runs in the family. Plus they woke me up from my nap, I get cranky at press conferences and just about everything else.

USA Today: Why do you think your grandfather took you to the post-game interview?

Braden: Grand pappy Sociopath, I mean Grandpa Knight is just trying to raise me to be a good coach and to not respect the media. You heard the man, he’s won close to 900 games, but nobody is counting except for you morons. The media cares about statistics, me and grandpa only care about winning and nap time, which we coincidentally we have at the same time. We can never get enough of both!

Lubbock Journal: What characteristics do you and your Grandpa have in common?

Braden: Well we both cry a lot and we both like to throw things, scream and break down in tantrums. I once threw a basketball into my fisher price basketball hoop. A little later grandpa Knight threw that same basketball hoop through a plate glass window out the second story of our house and out into the driveway, just like he did with daddy’s tv. Now I can’t play basketball OR watch Dora the Explorer. But, grandpa says I don’t need a hoop or a monkey with passport to be a good basketball coach. He says if you are good, the European players will come to you.

Dallas Morning News: What types of activities do you and your grandfather do together?

Braden: Obviously as you saw from the press conference, we like to exercise together. We all know granddad likes to throw things. Sometimes we practice evading questions that criticize us, but we still like to judge people harshly. We sometimes read the fairytales in Sports Illustrated or watch that traitor Larry Bird on ESPN Classic. Sometimes we just sit and read the blue chip guides, but mostly we go hunting. Next question, you in the red.

ESPNNEWS: What types of things do you hunt?

People mostly. Grandpa calls them those obnoxious bleeping bleep holes that live next door. Sometimes we go down to the news stations and just sit outside and shoot b.b. guns at anyone who comes out with a microphone. Grandpa says that it’s ok to shoot people who are sports reporters because they are wretched human beings and are only one or two steps above prostitutes, but I don’t even know what that means. We had to stop when grandpa thought he shot a sports reporter, but it just ended up being a guy with a tracheotomy.

ESPN: Has your grandpa ever yelled at you for anything?

Braden: Well one time he did, when I asked him if he was going to win his game that night. He got all red and wrinkly in the face, then freaked out and starting screaming “NOT YOU TOO, WHY DON’T YOU PEOPLE EVER GET OFF MY BACK!!!” The he threw a chair through my Curious George poster, but I guess it’s good cause now I don’t have to try and unlock the door to my room at night to go to the bathroom, I can just crawl through the hole. He’s kinda high strung. At least he didn’t choke me.

ESPN: Speaking of which have you ever seen him choke anyone?

Braden: Yeah, a few times. One time he choked a guy in a chicken suit outside of a KFC for not showing proper respect for “The Colonel” or “The General,” then there was a guy in traffic that cut him off in front of Golden Corral, there was the clown at my birthday party who “was a dumb SOB that wasn’t making him laugh enough.” It made me cry, but after the ambulance left we all played hit the piñata, which was shaped like Myles Brand’s head. Oh and one time he took me golfing and he hit a caddy with a nine iron for being insubordinate. As soon as I find out what that means, I will not ever be doing that. New question.

New York Times: We know he really enjoys whips, any idea why?

Braden: Yeah, I think he likes that Indiana Jones guy from the movies because he coached Indiana for so long. That and he’s really passionate about archeology. He says he carries it in case his players don’t listen or the Nazi’s suddenly come back while he’s playing Purdue. According to him, there are Nazis everywhere in the United States, the media is just too busy peeing on his parade to realize who the real criminals are. Granddaddy only really uses it when we go on trips to searching for recruits.

Braden: I only have time for one more question. Spongebob comes on soon. You in the back.

Fox Sports: After all this hype about your grandfather using the term, do you even know what “bull$***” means?

Braden: No but I've already heard it so much that it’s lost all meaning.

Sporting News: One more question, Braden!

Braden: This interview is over!